Williams funeral home opelousas la obituaries

[OC] Which teams have the best legacy at Defensive Line since the merger?

2023.06.10 14:21 JPAnalyst [OC] Which teams have the best legacy at Defensive Line since the merger?

For this analysis, I combed through the data from 1970 to present and calculated the average annual number of Pro Bowlers, first-team AP All-Pros, and Hall of Famers by franchise and by positional group to help determine which teams were the best at each position. The data was used to help guide some of my choices here (chart at the end).
This is a piece of a much longer post I made for a site I wrote for in 2022, but I'm breaking it up by positional group to make it more consumable and focus on one position at a time.
Notes:

Vikings

A defensive unit doesn’t earn the moniker The Purple People Eaters unless they are one of the most commanding and fearsome fronts in the NFL. The Vikings dominant legacy on the defensive line stems from the 1970s but it didn’t end there. From 1970-1976 the Vikings had a top five defense in points allowed six times as they went 75-22-1 and made three Super Bowl appearances. The line was anchored by two Hall of Famers in Carl Eller and future Minnesota Supreme Court Justice, Alan Page. In the late ‘80s and ‘90s two more HOFers Chris Doleman and John Randle would continue the tradition that the Purple People Eaters began in the late ‘60s. Doleman would end his career with 150.5 sacks, the 7th most in NFL history. The four Hall of Famers, Doleman, Randle, Eller, and Page plus 4-time AP All-Pro Jared Allen combined for a total of 706 sacks and make up 25% of the top-20 list for career sacks. Kevin Williams a 300+ pound run stuffer who could also get after the quarterback (career best 11.5 sacks in 2004) was the linchpin of the defensive line in the early to late 2000s. He would go on to make six Pro Bowls and earn five AP All-Pros. All-in-all the Vikings had a HOF defensive lineman on their roster 44% of the time since the merger, and in thirteen of the 52 years they had two HOFers on the D-line, while averaging nearly a Pro Bowler every season.

Rams

Deacon Jones was arguably one of the most feared players in NFL history, and although most of his dominance was in the 1960s when he had three seasons with 20+ sacks, he kicked off the post-merger Rams era with a Pro Bowl season at the age of 32. He wouldn’t do much for the Rams after his 1970 season, but he set the stage for the rest of the decade in which the Rams would have a top-5 defense for points allowed in seven of the 10 years. The Rams never won a Super Bowl in the ‘70s, but they would make the Conference Championship half of the time. The Rams had a HOFer on the defensive line every single season during the 1970s, often more than one. In 1971 their defensive line had THREE HOFers in Deacon Jones, Jack Youngblood, and Merlin Olsen. 1971 would be Jones’ last season with the Rams, but Olsen and Youngblood would go on to terrorize opponents throughout the decade and rack up 13 Pro Bowls and six AP All-Pros between them. Book-ending this reign of terror is certain future Hall of Famer Aaron Donald who came up big in the final moments of Super Bowl LVI by stopping the Bengals on their final drive for no gain on 3rd and one and then pressuring QB Joe Burrow into an errant throw on 4th and one before and finally jumping to his feet and pointing to his ring finger as the Rams won the Super Bowl. Donald has known nothing but accolades and awards since he entered the league, winning Defensive Rookie of the Year, a Pro Bowl in each of his eight seasons, seven AP All-Pros and three AP Defensive Player of the Year awards. Jones (173.5 sacks) and Youngblood (151.5 sacks) are ranked 3rd and 6th all time, while Donald leads all players in sacks with 98 since he has entered the league.

Cowboys

Offense wins games, defense wins championships. Although this phrase doesn’t apply in the modern NFL, there is always a thread of truth to a common adage and the Cowboys exemplify this saying. From 1970 to 1995 the Cowboys have been to eight Super Bowls, winning five, and their defense was never outside of the top ten during those Super Bowl years. Their success was, in part, due to having an overabundance of great defensive lineman. The Cowboys never went to a Super Bowl without a Hall of Fame defensive Lineman. HOFer Bob Lilly (Dallas from 1961-1974) went to two Super Bowls, HOFer Randy White (Dallas from 1975-1988) went to three Super Bowls, and in a short 5-year stint with the Cowboys, HOFer Charles Haley won three Super Bowls while anchoring a defense that averaged the third fewest points per season. Since their last Super Bowl in 1996, the Cowboys have had their share of Pro Bowlers, with players like La'Roi Glover, Jay Ratliff, and DeMarcus Lawrence, but it is the ‘70s, ‘80s and ‘90s that really carry their legacy at the defensive line position.
A case can be made for…
Bills
Key Players: Bruce Smith (HOF, career sacks leader), Kyle Williams, Fred Smerlas, Marcell Dareus
Eagles
Key Players: Reggie White (HOF, 2nd all-time in career sacks) Fletcher Cox, Charlie Johnson, Hugh Douglas
​
https://preview.redd.it/u2gofbeym65b1.png?width=780&format=png&auto=webp&s=05057761f61f51fed42bd46e270b6503fe651e94
I hope to be working on some new analyses and OC in the off-season, but things at home have been super busy and I haven't had the time. So although this is recycled content for me, you all have not seen it yet (the charts were probably pasted here, but the not words). If you like this, I'll make this into a series rolling it out position by position over the off-season. (I think I did QB about 6 months ago on here).
submitted by JPAnalyst to nfl [link] [comments]

2023.06.10 06:34 flippenphil (OFFER) Trauma Center, the little mermaid, super troopers 2, yesterday, marauders, mr. holmes, scary stories, a thousand words, the dark tower, big hero 6, jungle cruise, strange world (REQUEST) Ambulance, the Menu, ISO on bottom / offers

MA = Movies Anywhere
GP = Googleplay
[?] = unknown definition
title = pending trade
If a title is no longer listed = It has been traded
COMBO Films
MOVIES
TV Series Marked
Vudu Only
ITUNES Only
ITUNES Only MOVIES - No Port - Marked
CANADIAN CODES: GOOGLE PLAY / ITUNES MARKED I do not know any of these port
WANT LIST
Titles I am looking for
submitted by flippenphil to uvtrade [link] [comments]

2023.06.10 04:39 chisoxbot POST GAME THREAD: Marlins 1 @ White Sox 2 - Fri Jun 9 @ 7:10 PM

Line Score - Game Over

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E LOB
MIA 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 1 4 2 4
CWS 0 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 2 11 0 12

Box Score

CWS AB R H RBI BB SO BA
SS Anderson, Ti 5 0 2 0 0 2 .269
LF Benintendi 3 0 1 0 2 0 .267
CF Robert Jr. 4 0 1 1 0 2 .265
1B Vaughn 4 0 0 0 0 1 .242
3B Moncada 4 0 1 0 0 1 .238
DH Burger 4 0 0 0 0 3 .257
C Grandal 4 1 3 1 0 1 .263
RF Sheets 2 0 0 0 0 1 .233
RF Frazier 2 0 1 0 0 1 .233
2B Andrus 3 1 2 0 1 0 .200
CWS IP H R ER BB SO P-S ERA
Cease 6.0 4 1 1 2 7 95-61 4.38
Middleton 1.0 0 0 0 0 0 14-10 1.27
Graveman 1.0 0 0 0 0 0 14-9 2.28
Hendriks 1.0 0 0 0 0 0 14-7 5.40
MIA AB R H RBI BB SO BA
2B Arraez 4 0 1 0 0 0 .400
DH Soler 3 0 0 0 1 2 .239
LF De La Cruz 4 0 1 0 0 1 .298
RF Sánchez, J 4 0 0 0 0 0 .294
1B Cooper 2 0 0 0 0 2 .227
1B Gurriel 2 0 0 0 0 0 .272
SS Wendle 3 1 1 1 0 0 .253
3B Segura 2 0 0 0 1 1 .188
C Fortes 3 0 0 0 0 0 .236
CF Davis, Jo 3 0 1 0 0 1 .279
MIA IP H R ER BB SO P-S ERA
Pérez, Eu 5.0 5 1 1 2 6 82-51 2.17
Scott, Tan 1.0 2 0 0 0 2 18-14 2.90
Chargois 1.0 1 0 0 0 1 16-11 2.77
Nardi 1.0 1 0 0 0 2 15-10 2.48
Floro 0.1 2 1 1 1 1 9-6 4.50

Scoring Plays

Inning Event Score
B2 Yasmani Grandal homers (5) on a fly ball to right field. 1-0
T5 Joey Wendle homers (1) on a fly ball to right field. 1-1
B9 Luis Robert Jr. singles on a ground ball to left fielder Bryan De La Cruz. Elvis Andrus scores. Andrew Benintendi to 2nd. 2-1

Highlights

Description Length Video
Bullpen availability for Miami, June 9 vs White Sox 0:07 Video
Bullpen availability for Chicago, June 9 vs Marlins 0:07 Video
Fielding alignment for Chicago, June 9 vs Marlins 0:11 Video
The distance behind Yasmani Grandal's home run 0:16 Video
Joey Wendle: Home Run Statcast Analysis 0:14 Video
Eury Pérez's outing against the White Sox 0:23 Video
Breaking down Eury Pérez's pitches 0:08 Video
Breaking down Dylan Cease's pitches 0:08 Video
Dylan Cease's outing against the Marlins 0:22 Video
Yasmani Grandal crushes a homer to right field 0:29 Video
Joey Wendle hits a solo home run to right field 0:28 Video
Cooper suffers apparent elbow injury in the 3rd 0:28 Video
Cameron Williams joins the White Sox broadcast 4:01 Video
Eury Pérez escapes a bases-loaded jam in the 3rd 0:15 Video

Decisions

Winning Pitcher Losing Pitcher Save
Hendriks (2-0, 5.40 ERA) Floro (3-4, 4.50 ERA)
Game ended at 9:38 PM.
submitted by chisoxbot to whitesox [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 23:10 chisoxbot GAME THREAD: Marlins (35-28) @ White Sox (28-36) - Fri Jun 9 @ 7:10 PM

Marlins (35-28) @ White Sox (28-36)

First Pitch: 7:10 PM at Guaranteed Rate Field
Team Starter TV Radio
Marlins Eury Perez (3-1, 2.25 ERA) BSFL FOX940AM, WAQI (ES)
White Sox Dylan Cease (3-3, 4.63 ERA) NBCSCH WMVP, TUDN WRTO (ES)
MLB Fangraphs Reddit Stream Discord
Gameday Game Graph Live Comments /baseball Discord

Line Score - Game Over

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E LOB
MIA 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 1 4 2 4
CWS 0 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 2 11 0 12

Box Score

CWS AB R H RBI BB SO BA
SS Anderson, Ti 5 0 2 0 0 2 .269
LF Benintendi 3 0 1 0 2 0 .267
CF Robert Jr. 4 0 1 1 0 2 .265
1B Vaughn 4 0 0 0 0 1 .242
3B Moncada 4 0 1 0 0 1 .238
DH Burger 4 0 0 0 0 3 .257
C Grandal 4 1 3 1 0 1 .263
RF Sheets 2 0 0 0 0 1 .233
RF Frazier 2 0 1 0 0 1 .233
2B Andrus 3 1 2 0 1 0 .200
CWS IP H R ER BB SO P-S ERA
Cease 6.0 4 1 1 2 7 95-61 4.38
Middleton 1.0 0 0 0 0 0 14-10 1.27
Graveman 1.0 0 0 0 0 0 14-9 2.28
Hendriks 1.0 0 0 0 0 0 14-7 5.40
MIA AB R H RBI BB SO BA
2B Arraez 4 0 1 0 0 0 .400
DH Soler 3 0 0 0 1 2 .239
LF De La Cruz 4 0 1 0 0 1 .298
RF Sánchez, J 4 0 0 0 0 0 .294
1B Cooper 2 0 0 0 0 2 .227
1B Gurriel 2 0 0 0 0 0 .272
SS Wendle 3 1 1 1 0 0 .253
3B Segura 2 0 0 0 1 1 .188
C Fortes 3 0 0 0 0 0 .236
CF Davis, Jo 3 0 1 0 0 1 .279
MIA IP H R ER BB SO P-S ERA
Pérez, Eu 5.0 5 1 1 2 6 82-51 2.17
Scott, Tan 1.0 2 0 0 0 2 18-14 2.90
Chargois 1.0 1 0 0 0 1 16-11 2.77
Nardi 1.0 1 0 0 0 2 15-10 2.48
Floro 0.1 2 1 1 1 1 9-6 4.50

Scoring Plays

Inning Event Score
B2 Yasmani Grandal homers (5) on a fly ball to right field. 1-0
T5 Joey Wendle homers (1) on a fly ball to right field. 1-1
B9 Luis Robert Jr. singles on a ground ball to left fielder Bryan De La Cruz. Elvis Andrus scores. Andrew Benintendi to 2nd. 2-1

Highlights

Description Length Video
Bullpen availability for Miami, June 9 vs White Sox 0:07 Video
Bullpen availability for Chicago, June 9 vs Marlins 0:07 Video
Fielding alignment for Chicago, June 9 vs Marlins 0:11 Video
The distance behind Yasmani Grandal's home run 0:16 Video
Joey Wendle: Home Run Statcast Analysis 0:14 Video
Eury Pérez's outing against the White Sox 0:23 Video
Breaking down Eury Pérez's pitches 0:08 Video
Breaking down Dylan Cease's pitches 0:08 Video
Dylan Cease's outing against the Marlins 0:22 Video
Yasmani Grandal crushes a homer to right field 0:29 Video
Joey Wendle hits a solo home run to right field 0:28 Video
Cooper suffers apparent elbow injury in the 3rd 0:28 Video
Cameron Williams joins the White Sox broadcast 4:01 Video
Eury Pérez escapes a bases-loaded jam in the 3rd 0:15 Video

Decisions

Winning Pitcher Losing Pitcher Save
Hendriks (2-0, 5.40 ERA) Floro (3-4, 4.50 ERA)
Attendance Weather Wind
71°F, Clear 8 mph, In From CF
HP 1B 2B 3B
David Rackley Chris Guccione Nate Tomlinson Chris Segal
Game ended at 9:38 PM.
Remember to sort by new to keep up!
submitted by chisoxbot to whitesox [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 23:10 MarlinsBot Game Thread: 6/9 Marlins (35-28) @ White Sox (28-36) 8:10 PM

Marlins (35-28) @ White Sox (28-36)

First Pitch: 8:10 PM at Guaranteed Rate Field
Team Starter TV Radio
Marlins Eury Perez (3-1, 2.25 ERA) BSFL FOX940AM, WAQI (ES)
White Sox Dylan Cease (3-3, 4.63 ERA) NBCSCH WMVP, TUDN WRTO (ES)
MLB Fangraphs Reddit Stream IRC Chat
Gameday Game Graph Live Comments Libera: ##baseball

Line Score - Game Over

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E LOB
MIA 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 1 4 2 4
CWS 0 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 2 11 0 12

Box Score

CWS AB R H RBI BB SO BA
SS Anderson, Ti 5 0 2 0 0 2 .269
LF Benintendi 3 0 1 0 2 0 .267
CF Robert Jr. 4 0 1 1 0 2 .265
1B Vaughn 4 0 0 0 0 1 .242
3B Moncada 4 0 1 0 0 1 .238
DH Burger 4 0 0 0 0 3 .257
C Grandal 4 1 3 1 0 1 .263
RF Sheets 2 0 0 0 0 1 .233
RF Frazier 2 0 1 0 0 1 .233
2B Andrus 3 1 2 0 1 0 .200
CWS IP H R ER BB SO P-S ERA
Cease 6.0 4 1 1 2 7 95-61 4.38
Middleton 1.0 0 0 0 0 0 14-10 1.27
Graveman 1.0 0 0 0 0 0 14-9 2.28
Hendriks 1.0 0 0 0 0 0 14-7 5.40
MIA AB R H RBI BB SO BA
2B Arraez 4 0 1 0 0 0 .400
DH Soler 3 0 0 0 1 2 .239
LF De La Cruz 4 0 1 0 0 1 .298
RF Sánchez, J 4 0 0 0 0 0 .294
1B Cooper 2 0 0 0 0 2 .227
1B Gurriel 2 0 0 0 0 0 .272
SS Wendle 3 1 1 1 0 0 .253
3B Segura 2 0 0 0 1 1 .188
C Fortes 3 0 0 0 0 0 .236
CF Davis, Jo 3 0 1 0 0 1 .279
MIA IP H R ER BB SO P-S ERA
Pérez, Eu 5.0 5 1 1 2 6 82-51 2.17
Scott, Tan 1.0 2 0 0 0 2 18-14 2.90
Chargois 1.0 1 0 0 0 1 16-11 2.77
Nardi 1.0 1 0 0 0 2 15-10 2.48
Floro 0.1 2 1 1 1 1 9-6 4.50

Scoring Plays

Inning Event Score
B2 Yasmani Grandal homers (5) on a fly ball to right field. 1-0
T5 Joey Wendle homers (1) on a fly ball to right field. 1-1
B9 Luis Robert Jr. singles on a ground ball to left fielder Bryan De La Cruz. Elvis Andrus scores. Andrew Benintendi to 2nd. 2-1

Highlights

Description Length Video
Bullpen availability for Miami, June 9 vs White Sox 0:07 Video
Bullpen availability for Chicago, June 9 vs Marlins 0:07 Video
Fielding alignment for Chicago, June 9 vs Marlins 0:11 Video
The distance behind Yasmani Grandal's home run 0:16 Video
Joey Wendle: Home Run Statcast Analysis 0:14 Video
Eury Pérez's outing against the White Sox 0:23 Video
Breaking down Eury Pérez's pitches 0:08 Video
Breaking down Dylan Cease's pitches 0:08 Video
Dylan Cease's outing against the Marlins 0:22 Video
Yasmani Grandal crushes a homer to right field 0:29 Video
Joey Wendle hits a solo home run to right field 0:28 Video
Cooper suffers apparent elbow injury in the 3rd 0:28 Video
Cameron Williams joins the White Sox broadcast 4:01 Video
Eury Pérez escapes a bases-loaded jam in the 3rd 0:15 Video

Decisions

Winning Pitcher Losing Pitcher Save
Hendriks (2-0, 5.40 ERA) Floro (3-4, 4.50 ERA)
Game ended at 10:38 PM.
Remember to sort by new to keep up!
submitted by MarlinsBot to MiamiMarlins [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 19:02 endersgame69 Adopted By Humans VII C22

Lisa hummed quietly while she worked in her kitchen, maybe it was William’s influence, or maybe Rebecca’s, but she still liked making coffee the old fashioned way. Not that any of them minded using preground beans, but no technology has replaced the power of freshness.
So while I sat waiting for her to return, I simply watched what was already on her screen. It was an animated drama of some sort, maybe horror, there was a demon weeping over a grave at least, could have been anything, really.
And I just listened while she hummed along with the coffee grinder, those things have changed a lot over the years, now they were near totally silent, I saw one in an Earth museum once that made a tremendous racket, but these had only the faintest hum as the beans were reduced to powder.
I didn’t know the tune Lisa was humming, but it felt strange to hear her let out a little tune after I told her I was leaving, and of course I couldn’t know if I’d be coming back.
She and I [Redacted], and we really did like each other, a lot, actually. Of course we both knew it couldn’t last forever, we were quite literally from different worlds, and we wanted different things out of our lives.
But that didn’t mean we couldn’t have something good for a time. I had to wonder if she was thinking about this as the time to let go? Humans have a habit of putting a brave face on things, they have a whole philosophy called ‘stoicism’ which is basically just putting a show of strength on while enduring a lot of unpleasant shit.
I can’t say I liked that philosophy very much, it reminded me too much of my homeworld’s view of things. I suppose it had a valid point when it came to hard times, but it seemed too much to like hard times. At least as I understood it, perhaps I was wrong in that regard. I’m sure the subject will be hotly debated over for years.
Regardless, at that moment I was just enjoying the noise of her preparations, watching out of the corner of my eye while she brewed coffee the old fashioned way. I pause for a moment here to tell you, in addition to the supply of alcohol that went to Dlamias, at my suggestion, Bonny Red also dropped a large supply of coffee off at the neutral trading station where she had to deliver her goods. Along with directions for how to prepare it.
Now, in the capital of Dlamias, I knew for a fact that a small number of ‘coffee bars’ were starting to open up. The stay awake juice was used by a number of government employees to help keep them focused, and… well, in the Earth middle ages coffee was banned in an empire because people stayed up late talking politics while drinking the stuff. Coffee shops became hotbeds of political dissent.
It was one more little monkey wrench I’d thrown into the gears of Dlamisan society. Awake for longer and with time to talk, I had absolutely no doubt that the buried frustrations of my people would start to bubble up as surely as the water was boiling in Lisa’s pot right now.
I know my government, they’ll use the stuff to extend labor hours and keep people working harder, and they’ll put it together with food for convenience…
And my infection will spread. Longer hours, but also time to complain, and with the first humans settling in too…
The dam would burst and change would be forced. I did wonder if they would try to use military force to quell dissent. But I doubted it, especially now. In a way, this danger with the return of the Rogue World and the disappearances and the threats from the Praeda, couldn’t have come at a better time.
Concessions would be the government’s only option, and once that began, there would be no stopping it.
‘Even if I die out there, my will, will be done no matter what.’ I thought, and made the evil finger pyramid of doom with my hands.
Lisa returned a moment later with coffee in hand and a smile on her face. She sat beside me on the couch and asked, “Did you enjoy the show?”
I hadn’t really paid much attention to it, but it seemed alright. “I haven’t seen that much, but… it looks alright.”
“It’s based on an old novel, that demon,” she pointed to the ashen figure, “lost his wife to human invaders, his village, everything but his daughter. This season is based on one of the sequels in that series, he’s finally reclaimed the land where there village was, and he found her body still buried in the rubble of their home. So he had her buried there and all the grief hit him at once, everything he kept buried while he worked to raise their daughter.”
“Oh… so humans are the villains in this one?” I asked.
“Sort of.” She said as she leaned back and slipped her arm over my shoulder from behind while she drank from her glass cup. “Like, the humans started it, they built the first cities and needed labor so they started conquering nomads and villages to work their farms and whatnot. So that’s bad, but not all humans are the bad guys. Some demons are shown as bad, same for some of the elves and dwarves… I guess you could say that their ‘governments’ do bad things to each other.”
“Oh, so everybody is kind of bad sometimes?” I asked.
“Yeah, kinda.” She sipped, “A lot of gray there, most of what happens that’s bad after a certain point, happens because everybody is too afraid to stop. They don’t want to keep fighting, but they’re afraid of what happens if they pull back.”
“That’s interesting.” I said as I brought the cup to my mouth. It was hot, rich, fragrant, the rich steam rose from within and I inhaled it with the vigor of somebody bursting from beneath the water after nearly drowning and finding air again.
I made a mental note to bring some of this with me when it was time to leave, Lisa was quiet, seemingly waiting for me to explain. A lot would be necessarily classified and, reckless as I may be, I knew better than to let things like this slip.
“I’m going on a peace mission, actually, not just me. The whole family is. It’s… complicated, but Bonny Red is taking us to a neutral zone where we can talk to the Praeda, all of them, or most, at least.” I shifted a little in my seat, I didn’t want to tell her how dangerous it might be for us, but I hated keeping secrets.
“Do you know when you’ll be back?” She asked, her wide eyes fluttered a little, “Is this one of those ‘gone for decades and I’ll be an old lady by the time you get back’ talks?”
I snorted my coffee just a little and smacked my chest a few times. “No… I mean I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, but it will take months just to get there, it’s over thirty-thousand lightyears away, so even at the fastest possible speed through thick space, we’re looking at nine months travel without doing any jumps.”
She whistled long and low, “So… what you’re saying is, I’ll need to pack my toothbrush, and a pair of replacement heads for it?” She asked.
“Say what now?” I asked and my ears twitched.
She turned to the side and propped her head up in her hand, then gave me a quirky smile and said, “You’ve got all those ears and still didn’t listen to me? Alien or not, you’re definitely male.” She laughed at her own joke while I could only cock my head in confusion.
“Say what now?” I asked again.
“I want to go too.” She clarified, “Listen, Bonny Red and I have had a nice arrangement going for a while now, but alien or not, I know that woman and she’s definitely planning on spending a lot of time on Earth after all this, she’s been in the void for a few years now and I know how sailors, pirates or not, get when they finally hit a safe port. The easiest thing for all of us is if I just go along. Besides,” she held up her arm and waved one hand around her room, “I don’t really have anything holding me back. I have my degree, my job won’t go anywhere, I can sublet my apartment. And how many people get a chance to go out that far?” She asked.
“Wait, you’re serious?” I asked. I definitely wanted to know what she was talking about when it came to Bonny Red, but the more pressing matter was her thought of coming with us.
“I don’t have to be part of your envoy, I’ll just join her crew for a year or so. I’m no stranger to hard work or military stuff, you know that.” She said.
“Well, I mean, that’s up to Bonny Red, not me… but… why would you…” She stopped me by putting a hand on my chest.
“Because you and I both know this can’t last. You’ll live for hundreds of years, your stages of life are in line with mine right now, but that’s going to change. I’ll grow older, faster, maybe I’ll want to start a family of my own, something we can’t do, but even if I don’t do that, time changes all humans, faster than you know. You saw how Fauve has grown up, right?” She asked.
I could only nod. She was in her twenties now and while there were echoes of the child I knew, she was like a tree that I’d watched grow from a sapling. I could still recognize her for what she’d been, but she was not the same.
“That’s how it will be for me from my twenties to my thirties, and thirties to forties. I’m going to change, I won’t be the twenty-something who gets hammered with her friends on weekends anymore, but you’ll still be the you that you are right now, when I’m old, gray, and thinking ahead for my funeral.” She chuckled, “From my perspective, you’re kind of like if Peter Pan was a college student and not a young boy.”
I only vaguely knew the story, but I got the gist of what she meant, I just didn’t know what to say to it.
“To you, nine months, two years, three years, those may not sound like a lot. To me, they’re big bites out of my life, and when we’re done, those days won’t come back. So, if you don’t object…” For a moment she looked quite vulnerable, like she thought I very well might refuse her, inching herself away a little but leaving her hand where it was over where my hearts were beating faster by the moment.
“I’d want to go with you. If I can. If I can’t… then I have to be honest, that’s too much of my life to slip by to wait on something that can’t really last anyway.”
She wasn’t wrong. I did my very best to never think about the differences in our lifespans, but clearly that wasn’t something too far from her mind. “It’s not really up to me, but… if she refuses to let you sign on…” I didn’t want to finish that sentence.
“Right. I think she will. She understands a lot about things not lasting.” Lisa smirked a little, “I will have to figure out what to do with my hair on this trip though, there aren’t exactly seasons in space.” She ran her free hand through the long strands, and I suggested… “You could have it done like stars, put the night sky design on there instead of the season?” I suggested, and realized that in saying that, I more or less acknowledged that I wanted her to go along. I knew she was right, this might very well be the last of our times together, she was in her mid to late twenties now, I think. Twenty-five or twenty-six, even if we got out there and stayed for one day and came back, eighteen Earth months would have come and gone, and that’s if we stopped for nothing. In reality we could be gone for a full two years with ease.
“You’re a genius, Bailey.” She said and set her cup down with a smirk, “I’ll make sure to pick up enough dye for the trip, and I’ll send an ‘application’ to Bonny Red before she gets here.”
Humans do not move slowly, that much is for sure. As far as she was concerned, the matter was settled.
I wasn’t sure if Bonny Red would be alright with this, but she was frankly as strange as Lisa. For some reason, unbeknownst and inexplicable to me, I always end up surrounded by oddballs and outliers.
And you know what?
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
submitted by endersgame69 to TheWorldMaker [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 13:30 readingrachelx Housewife highlights/Daily shit talk - June 9th, 2023

ORANGE COUNTY
ATLANTA
BEVERLY HILLS
BRAVO
Links to this week's episode discussion posts:
submitted by readingrachelx to RHDiscussion [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 04:40 clingklop A mega-list of the episodes Shaffir recommended to listen to in the last episode

So this is a list of the podcast episodes Shaffir listened as ones he particularly liked as he is now ending the show.
There's also direct links to 0-200 as a comment below Enjoi.
First 100:

37: The Nuthouse (Brody Stevens):

"Steven Brody Stevens stopped by Skeptic Tank Studios (my apartment) to share the details of his 17 day stay in the psyche ward at UCLA. It took us, like, 30 minutes to get into the topic, but eventually we did. We diverged a lot into a really cool discussion about perspective on life and how you can fall into a negative and self sabotaging way of thinking about things."

40: Prostitutti Frutti (Miss X):

An upscale prostitute came to the Skeptic Tank to share with us about her job. It was one of the most interesting conversations I've had in a very long time. She was open and honest and very friendly. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did.

50: Buddhism (Duncan Trussell):

Duncan Trussell and I shared a ride out to Brea, CA to do shows at the Brea Improv. Duncan has always been into Buddhism and I figured what better time to talk about modern Buddhism than on a ride to the Inland Empire. It was a really interesting talk and it completely enlightened me to the humongous differences between that and the Judeo-Christian religions in regards to daily life. Enjoy.

73: Love Scam (Sarah Tiana):

Sarah Tiana met me at the Comedy Store to talk about her crazy experience with love in the Middle East. It's sort of a sad story. We're comics, so it was still funny, but it was still really sad at the same time. So it averages out to sort of sad.

80: Chester the Molester (Dale Dudley):

"Dale Dudley came over to my hotel room in Austin, TX to shoot the shit and talk about his childhood molestation. It's way more fun than the subject matter. This is a really good, honest, and funny podcast. It's exactly what I envisioned when I started the Skeptic Tank."

79a: We Are Anonymous (Luke Harder, Star_Fawkes):

Luke Harder and Star_Fawkes met me at the Comedy Store to talk about Anonymous. It was a really enlightening conversation. I think we all got the wrong idea about these guys. This is one to spread around.

79b: We Are Anonymous:

@Anonyphant and @Star_Fawkes came back to the Comedy Store to finish off our conversation about Anonymous. It was a really interesting and enlightening conversations and one of my favorite podcasts I've done. They're not out to get us, you guys. They're here to help us. They are us. We are Anonymous.

92: Caddyshack (Greg Fitzsimmons, Steve Simeone, Greg's hyper dog):

Greg Fitzsimmons had me over to his garage to tell me about his days as a caddy. I had no idea any other comedian had ever worked on a golf course. It's a strange community and it was an enexpected treat to be able to talk about it.

99: Scrappy Doo w Greg Fitzsimmons:

Greg Fitzsimmons had me over to his garage to tell me how much he loves to fight. Not organized fights. Just fights. Just regular, two dudes don't know each other and then one is punching the other, fights. It's a pretty fun podcast. What he does in the car is hard for me to wrap my head around.

95: Childless (Dom Irrera):

Dom Irrera met me at the Laugh Factory to talk about not having children. Dom is one of the only guys I know who has gone through most of his life while avoiding parenthood and we talked all about what that's like. It was a great podcast with an amazing comedian. Twitter him at @DomIrrera.

100: Deliverance (Ryan O'Neill, Jeff Danis, George Saint Pierre, Nate Diaz, Ari Shaffir):

Jeff Danis and Ryan O'Neill came by my apartment to talk about their jobs as grocery delivery drivers. Oh my god, there were so many hilarious stories. They're both comedians from the Comedy Store and their job is so ridiculous. For delivery drivers, there's a shocking amount of talk about nipples and Down syndrome.

104: The Art of War with Greg Jackson and Kevin Christy:

Greg Jackson of Greg Jackson's MMA met me in a hotel room in Vegas a few hours before UFC 156. Greg has always asked me about standup comedy and how comics will handle different situations. After some time he told me why he was so interested. He sees similarities between all art forms. He tries to find universal truths that apply to many art forms so he can apply that knowledge to MMA fight theory. It's really fascinating stuff. We've been talking about this stuff for years now and it's so interesting to me. If, like me, you thought everyone associated with cage fighting were meatheads, you're about to get a beautiful reminder of how people from all walks of life can offer you growth and knowlege.

105: Going Blind (Tom Segura):

Tom Segura invited me to go to his new Barbie Malibu Beach House so we could talk about masturbating. Just two best bro dudes intimately talking about making their penises shoot out loads of semen. And then somewhere at the end we talked about drunk driving. I don't think we ever talked about masturbating while drunk driving but we should have at least brought it up, huh?

115: Heroin - Down In A Hole (Donovan Pee):

Donovan Pee met me in my hotel room in Vancouver to talk about Heroin. Donovan was a heavy heroin user and lived on the streets of one of the most drug addicted blocks in North America. He was involved with the drug for decades and has only recently gotten away from it. It's a fascinating look at the life and exactly the kind of thing I like for this podcast.

113: Lefty Liberty (Jimmy Dore):

Jimmy Dore came by my slop haven of an apartment to tell me the truth about politics. I've never been very political, but lately I've started to become increasingly angrier about how little representation the average citizen has. Jimmy was always into the leftist side of things and he did a great job of explaining the problems with how things are run. And Mat Edgar joins me for the intro and outro to talk about Shroomfest and to share a few extra stealing stories that he forgot to mention on "Klepto."

120: Shroomfest 2013 w Tony Hinchcliffe, Mat Edgar, Pete Cornacchione:

Tony Hinchcliffe, Mat Edgar, Pete Cornacchione, and I spent Shroomfest together this year. We drove out to Joshua Tree, ate some shrooms, and wandered out into the wilderness. And then we had, what I believe, is probably the first podcast recorded at Joshua Tree National Park.

122: Exspecially Cutting:@JustyDodge

Justy Dodge came over to my New York apartment on the hottest day of the summer. We talked about her various mental disorders but centered on cutting. Justy is a New York based standup who spent her teens in and out of rehab for self mutilation. It was a great conversation despite a couple of her white trash words slipping out.

123: You Know What Dad (Robert Kelly):

Robert Kelly invited me over to his beautiful Manhattan apartment so we could talk about becoming a father. He had his first son 45 days ago and we had a nice discussion about what it was like. It was nice for me to hear how a former degenerate like Robert could transform himself into the type of dad that won't get child services called on him.

124: Rape & Eggs (Kathleen McGee):

Kathleen McGee invited me over to the apartment she was staying in while we were in Winnipeg together and we talked about her rape. It's about as lighthearted a conversation as possible considering the subject matter. This is kind of what this podcast is all about. Stark, realistic views of the world told in funny ways. Enjoy.

133: Fuck the Government (Dave Smith):

Dave Smith came over to my apartment so we could talk about this growing disillusionment I'm experiencing with our federal government. Dave is a devout libertarian and he knows a lot more of the facts than I do, so we discussed a lot of where we've gone wrong and where our politicians and generals have betrayed the will of its people. Listen to it now, because when the revolution comes, downloading podcasts won't be easy.

134: Maniac (John F. O'Donnell):

John F O'Donnell met me in Bushwick to talk about his manic depressive disorder. He's gone off the deep end a few times in his life and we got into it all. How it started, what happens, how it's affected him. It was a fun podcast that only got interrupted a couple times by a gang of 8 year old handball punks.

141: Happiness (@SteveSimeone) by AriShaffir:

Steve Simeone invited me over to his place while I was in LA and we talked about happiness. It started off being a conversation about being broke, but it quickly shifted as it became evident that Steve's poverty level was no longer the main influence on his mood. We talked about girls, and about family, and about giganitic boobs. But at its base, it's just a couple of buddies hanging out.

142: Gender Bender (Lauren Hennessy):

Lauren Hennessy came over to my NY apartment to tell me about what it's like to be a he/she. Lauren is a boy trapped in a girl's body. He's been that way since he was born. And you think you had it tough. Don't worry, this didn't get too serious or sad. Just two dudes talking about one of the dude's vaginas.

151: Ass Burger (@AutisticThunder):

Josh Meyrowitz came over to my LA apartment to talk to Mat Edgar and me about asperger's syndrome. I've been hearing about it ever since I was little but I've never met anyone with it until Josh. He's a little different than they way it's usually portrayed on TV. Maybe that's the comic side of him. Anyway, fun conversations on an interesting condition.

152: The Streetz, USA (Doc Willis):

Doc Willis met me at the Comedy Store to talk about his days slinging rock on the streets of Detroit. That's right, when Doc was 14 (What? 14? Yes, 14) he was in a gang and sold drugs to make a living. We go into who his customers were, all the violence, what makes someone hard, and much, much more. It's a really good episode. Enjoy.

157: Divorce, of Course:

"Jacob Sirof and Sherry Sirof (nee East) each had me over to their places of residence to talk about the divorce that they're going through right now. First I went to Moshe Kasher's old place where Jacob is staying. Then a week later I went to their old apartment to talk to Sherry about the same topic. It's an interesting view into two sides of a disolution of the bond of marriage."

159: Thrilled (@TomSegura):

"Tom Segura had me over to his palatial beach house to do an in depth analysis of his first album, Thrilled. It was a hilarious album and I'm glad he was able to give an inside look at how the bits came to be, his delivery style, and the problems he has looking back at the album. We treat it kind of academically. It's something I'd like to see a lot more comics do in the future and I'm so happy Tom was willing to do it here. The standup will be hilarious and the analysis will be instructive."

169: Blacklanta with Big Jay Oakerson and Ms. Pat:

Ms. Pat joined me in a park in Brooklyn (maybe Park Slope? No, that seems wrong) to tell me about what it was like growing up in the hood in Atlanta. Spoiler alert: It was way different than how I grew up in the suburbs of Maryland. It's a story of teen pregnancies, gunshot wounds, and Jimmy Carter..

170: HIV for Victory w Jeff Scott:

"Jeff Scott had me over to his West Hollywood apartment to tell me the story of his HIV. How he got it, how he's managed to live with it for 30 years, how it's affected his life, how he's been treated by others, and about the friends he's lost. It's one of the most interesting podcasts I've done. You should share it with everybody."

173: Beijingaling (@DesBishop, @ComicDaveSmith):

Des Bishop met me in a park in Beijing to tell me all about China. Des is a comic from Ireland by way of New York and he moved to Beijing a couple of years ago to learn Mandarin to try to do standup for Chinese people. He came as an outsider and after almost 2 years there, he's made quite a few observations about the country and about Beijing in particular. What a cool thing about podcasts that I can record these with minimal effort on the other side of the planet. Dave Smith joins me for the intro and outro.

183: Popo (@MarkDemayo):

Mark Demayo came over to my apartment this week. We drank some beers and talked about his 20 years as a policeman in New York. It was a fun, open conversation. I asked him a ton of questions about what being a cop is like and Mark answered everything. Fun podcast.

197: Injection Protection (Morgan Black):

Morgan Black met me in my hotel room in Vancouver to talk about his job at Insite. Insite is the safe injection place on Hastings Street in Vancouver. It's a place in heroin alley where junkies can go to get clean needles and they can use those needls to shoot up in a place that's supervised by people like Morgan. He watches over them to make sure they don't overdose. If they begin to, it's up to him to try and save them. He's seen a lot since he's been there and he shares it here.

203: Prison Rules (Ali Siddiq)

Ali Siddiq met me at the Comedy Store to talk about prison. I always knew prison life was hard, but damn. I didn't know about all of this. Ali spent 6 years locked away with some of the most violent criminals in Texas. This is a great episode and really fun and interesting.

216: Tenement (Nick Mullen):

"Nick Mullen met me at my in New York to talk about his illegal living situation. Nick is a funny young comic who literally lives in tenement housing. We talked all about it and got into some existential stuff about comedy. And we took a fun walk around the Bowery to see his garbage neighborhood full of chuds."

219: Khob Khun Krap with Pete C:

"Pete Cornacchione and I sat down outside the airport in Chiang Mai, Thailand to talk about all the things we saw out there. We did so much that we couldn't even fit it into one episode. So we just talked about mainland Thailand. Phuket, Bangkok, and Chiang Mai. Man, did we do a crapload of stuff. Join us on our podcast..."

223: Palsy with Davey Wester:

Davey Wester trekked his way across Manhattan to my apartment to talk to me about his cerebral palsy. Davey is a Comedy Store comic from way back. We've had a couple CP comics there over the years and this is actually the first time I really talked to any of them about the condition. Surprisingly fun discussion based on the topic. And some good Gallagher stuff. Ian Edwards and Zara Mizrahi join me from Bonnaroo for the introduction.

224: Take Me Out To The Ball Game (@PaulMorrissey):

Paul Morrissey and I went to a Yankee game to talk about baseball. We got seats right behind the visitor's bullpen and we did a podcast from right there. We started on the walk to the subway, continued on the train a little, got lost some, got inside, met some Jews, had a dog, met some more people, and watched some more baseball. It was a great day.

227: The Herp (@JoeListComedy):

"Joe List met me in Central Park on a beautiful summer day to have a wonderful talk about herpes. Joe's got it. He's open about it. And he answered everything you wanted to know abou tit. If you already have it, you'll relate. If you are going to get it soon, this will help you when you get unlucky. If you never get it. Congrats. Let's bone."

235: First Responder; A 9/11 Story (Cris Italia):

9/11 was a terrible day in American history. This is one story of the many stories of that day. Cris Italia was a volunteer EMT and was around the corner when the first plane hit. By the time the second plane hit, he was already at ground zero, helping. It's a heartbreaking story of what happened to one man the day America stopped being invincible.

256: Take a Hike (@TheoVon):

Theo Von met me at a secret hike in LA to do a walking podcast about hiking. Theo's a hilarious comic but he's also hiked Mount Kilimanjaro. I climb hills, bro. Hills. He climbed a giant mountain. It was a fun talk and it really puts you in the place where we were. I love these "on-location" podcasts.

257: Money For Nothing (2 anonymous defense contractors):

"Two US Army defense contractors met me in a secret location in America to discuss what it's like to go work for the government on foreign soils. They both work as contractors in stations all over the world and they gave a first hand account of how much waste goes into our imperialism. It was an interesting look into the life of a hired grunt in the middle of a war zone."

262 Cleavage Day @Gary Vider:

"Gary Vider met me in Central Park to walk around and gawk at women for Cleavage Day. Cleavage Day is the first weekend day over 70 degrees in New York. It takes place in every city that has a real winter. It's that magical day when all the skin comes out of hiding. Women are showing cleavage and legs and stomach left and right. It's just a magical time to be a heterosexual man or a homosexual woman. So come join us on our bosomy adventure in New York."

265: Knife Hits in Alaska (@DanSoder):

"Dan Soder came over to my place to tell me all about the summer he spent working in a cannery in Alaska. The people he worked with were straight deigns without even realizing it. This might be the best summer job of all time."

270: NY Pizza Party (@NotAlexis):

Alexis Guerreros took me on a pizza tour of New York. He's a standup comic but he runs these tours for extra cash and he took me on one, showing me his favorite of 3 different styles of pizza. Pizza and New York have a storied connection and Alexis explained how that all came up, the deal with 1 dollar slices, and even where pizza originated. It's an on location style podcast through the streets of Manhattan and Brooklyn. Join us for a delicious slice. "

276: "Running" Of The Bulls (@KaiHumphries, @MiloComedy, @Daniel_Sloss):

Kai Humphries, Milo McCabe, and Daniel Sloss met me at the Abattoir comedian's bar in Edinburgh, Scotland to tell me their harrowing tale of cheating death at the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. This was a super fun story! You gotta go to arithegreat.com for this one to look at the pictures. They're CRAZY. Guest appearances by random comedy people trying to distract us with booze."

277: Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost (@HenryRollins):

Henry Rollins met me in a hotel cafe in Edinburgh, Scotland to talk about travel. Henry goes all over the globe. He really likes to get off the beaten path and explore new places. I thought I liked seeing things, but Rollins takes it to a whole new level. He goes places I've never even heard of, met people I didn't know existed, done things I'd be too scared to do. It was such a fun conversation and it filled me with wanderlust.

281: The Reyk (@AriEldjarn):

Ari Eldjarn and I drove around in Iceland and did a podcast about that beautiful country while we did. Ari is a comedian in Reykjavik. One of the first comedians, to be more precise. He and I hung out for 3 days while I was there and so we got on the mics in his car and I just asked him questions about his country for a while. It's one of those road trip episodes I do sometimes. So, come sit in the back, don't interrupt us, and eavesdrop on our conversation.

282: Aunt Flo (@Aiapalucci, @Stollemcache, @AmberSmelson):

Amber Nelson, Sarah Tollemache, and Adrian Iapalucci came to my apartment to tell me about periods. And I mean all about it. About the blood flow, about PMS, about cramps, about period diarrhea, all of it. It's for sure gonna make some dudes feel uncomfortable, but it was really interesting to me. But I eat my own boogers, so maybe I'm not the best judge of what's too much. Either way, it was a really funny conversation with three comics on the subject of menses.

284: #BertIsFat (@BertKreischer):

Bert Kreischer came to my apartment while he was in New York and we talked about who was fatter; him or Tom Segura. Bert made some solid cases for his side of things but most of those cases were made with a full chicken wing in between his two front teeth, so grain of salt I guess.

288: Death of a Salesman (@TimJDillon):

Tim Dillon came to my apartment to tell me about his former life in sales. He's sold everything. From mortgages to office equipment to a history of New York. Tim has hilarious stories about all of it. Fun, fun, fun podcast.

289 Tales of a Teenage Bedwetter w Mark Normand:

Mark Normand invited me to his brand new apartment to do a podcast about bedwetting. Mark and I were both very late bedwetters. So we got together and talked about what it's like to be 14 and still pissing on yourself every night. All the plastic sheets, the fear of sleepovers, what our moms had to go through. God, it was embarrassing.

290 Cave Man with John Spies:

John Spies sat down with me on the deck of the Cave Lodge in Soppong to tell me all about cave exploration and the unique life that he's built in northern Thailand. The man has lived an amazing life. And this pit stop on his way from Australia to Europe has now lasted over a quarter century.

292: Cleavage Day 2017 with Legion of Skanks:

The entire Legion of Skanks came with me on an ogling walk around Manhattan during my 2nd favorite* holiday of the year, Cleavange Day. Dave Smith, Luis J Gomez, Big Jay Oakerson and I walked as a group around the city, enjoying the rewards of the first warm day of the year. It was such a fun day! So join us on a wonderful adventure.

294 Je Zu Tin Ba De w Ryan Nanni and William Childress:

"William Childress (skip to 53:30) had me over to his homestay in Siem Reap, Cambodia to talk about Myanmar. He lived there for years. And it was the first place I went on my travels this year. So I finished seeing a temple near Angkor Wat and went to visit him so we could talk about one of my favorite countries in the world. Myanmar is amazing. See it before it gets ruined by globalism. Also, I went kind of nuts on the intro and outro. And then stay tuned after the outro because I also included a conversation I had with a 17 year old Burmese girl I met out there at a restaurant outside Inle Lake. This might be my fullest podcast ever."

298 Vagabonder w Rolf Potts:

Rolf Potts met me in Tompkins Square Park to talk to me about travel. Rolf wrote one of my favorite books of all time called Vagabonding. It's all about long term travel. It influenced the hell out of me. And I was so stoked to be able to talk about getting out there in the world with such a well worn traveler like him.

320: Take My Wife Please - Aubrey Marcus:

"Aubrey Marcus came over to my apartment and we had a really in depth discussion about open relationships. Aubrey is the most honest person I've ever met on the subject. He has truly looked inwards and examined all the angles. It's a really great discussion on the topic."

321: Let My People Go:

"Ari Shaffir comes to my apartment to tell you about Passover. All of it. Not just what you're supposed to do, but also where the holiday comes from, all the laws, the seder, what matzah tastes like. Everything. It's probably the best I've ever been in terms of not interrupting the guest. I still managed to do it a few times, but way less than normal."

323: Mitzi:

Mitzi Shore came into my life in my first 3 months of standup. I spent the next 10 years getting close with the owner of the Comedy Store. She passed away earlier this month. And I took the opportunity to share, but really to relive all the things I learned from her and all the times we had, good and terrible. She was a massive part of my development as a comedian. The most important part, really. So it's really unsettling having her gone for good. Join me as I come to terms with what Mitzi meant to me.

347: Hot tub time machine (@BertKreischer, @SteveRannazzisi, @DanishAndOneill, @MarkNorm):

Bert Kreischer, Steve Rannazzisi, Ryan O'Neill and I sat in a hot tub in Park City and talked about the past. It was the first night of a week of skiing and storytelling shows and oh what fun it was. Mark Normand joined us a couple days later and after we all got home, he and I did the intro from the Comedy Cellar in NY. It was a fun podcast and probably the least clothed 4 way podcast I've ever done. Just sitting in a jacuzzi in Utah, talking shit.

353: Modern Hippie (@Tim Ferriss):

"Tim Ferriss met me in Austin to talk about travel and art and nature and love. He's a hippie. He's what the new version of a hippie is."

361: Spange (Tall Boy):

A homeless non-binary person let me sit with her and talk about what it's like to live on the street and beg for change. Spange is a homeless term that means spare change. I think it's a verb. Anyway, that's what Tall Boy does. Spange for food money. It was interesting to hear some actual humanity from people we often see as invisible.

365: The Revolution w Adbuster Editor in Chief Kalle Lasn:

"Adbusters Editor in Chief, Kalle Lasn met me in his office at the magazine to talk to me about the revolution. I see it going down only with violence but he is far more hopeful about the ways in which we're going to change the systems in place. He's a brilliant man and it was such a treat to get to sit down with him and hear him say out loud some of the ideas he's been putting forth in Adbusters."

369: The Podfather - Brian Redban:

Brian Redban took me into his new podcast studio to talk about the early days of the podcast scene in Los Angeles. When everything was guerrilla. When it was fresh and new and nobody knew what it was gonna turn into. It was such a crazy time and Redban was right there helping form the scene. From the Joe Rogan podcast, to mine, to Segura's, and lots more, he helped build the scene from the ground up. We talked about what it was like, what podcasts have turned into, and where it's going now...

370: Troll (Milo Yiannopoulos):

Milo Yiannopoulos came over to my apartment to have one of my favorite talks ever on this podcast. It's a talk about trolling. Milo is one of the best in the world at it. This is gonna take you a week to listen to. The intro goes for 57 minutes alone. You can skip it if you want, but it's 53 minutes of content that you'll be missing about my own start in trolling. Trolls are the most maligned and misunderstood of all the world's artist. And I don't use the term "artist" lightly. Trolling is an art form. I've been looking forward to this episode for months now. And you're going to love it or ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. I hope you're the former. But if you're the latter, then we got you. You've been trolled. pWn3d.

372: ‘Roid Range (Mike Cannon):

Mike Cannon met me at Gas Digital to tell me about his old days as a total meathead who legit took steroids. I'm not even kidding. You can't believe how much of an idiot this guy was. He's normal now, but he was a juice head moron back in the day. We also talked a lot about our mutual love for underground back room poker games

405: War Stories (Jake Hanrahan):

Jake Hanrahan talked to me about conflict reporting. He goes to war zones and tries to bring back word of what's actually going on in these areas. It's crazy. He brings back tons of footage. Look at PopularFront.co and you'll see what I'm talking about. He's not even welcome in a lot of these places. Once they put him in a Turkish prison! Really interesting stuff in this one. You gotta excuse the sound a little...

407: Obsessive compulsive with Eli Sears:

Eli Sairs came over to talk to me about his OCD. He's got it bad. And it's all wrapped up with Jesus, too, which makes it even harder to deal with. The levels this guy has to go through just to make through basic life stuff is astounding. I bet he eats box really thoroughly, though. Didn't ask him about that. I wish I had.

408: The Lady With A Giant Hog (Margo Reiss @Margo_A_GoGo):

Margo Reiss came over and let me ask her all about transsexuality. I mean, super cool about it. Let me just ask anything I didn't understand and she explained what it was like to me. We got into why to chop it off or not, the bar scene, Katelyn Jenner, how hard we like to fuck, some history, and a bunch more. God, I wish you could talk to people in real life this way. We'd be so much better off as a society.

415: Baby Skeletons w/ Adrienne Iapalucci:

"We’re trying something different this week. I, Ari Shaffir, am bringing you an entire album of one of my favorite comedians in the world. For free."

438: Six Months Of Hating Men with Annie Lederman:

Annie Lederman tells me about her time as a man-hater. Annie has come out of it since then but she recounts the way she got caught up in a world of despising an entire gender and how she was able to extricate herself from that way of thinking.
and he includes the final episode

519: Talk Talk with Ron Bennington

"Ron Bennington joins me on today's episode to talk about interview style and his series Unmasked. Ron is someone whose style of interviewing I've always admired, it seemed fitting to have him on this episode."
submitted by clingklop to AriShaffir [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 00:51 sandwich_with_a_hat i am sorry

NARRATOR: (Black screen with text; The sound of buzzing bees can be heard) According to all known laws of aviation, : there is no way a bee should be able to fly. : Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. : The bee, of course, flies anyway : because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. BARRY BENSON: (Barry is picking out a shirt) Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. : Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. JANET BENSON: Barry! Breakfast is ready! BARRY: Coming! : Hang on a second. (Barry uses his antenna like a phone) : Hello? ADAM FLAYMAN:
(Through phone) - Barry? BARRY: - Adam? ADAM: - Can you believe this is happening? BARRY: - I can't. I'll pick you up. (Barry flies down the stairs) : MARTIN BENSON: Looking sharp. JANET: Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. BARRY: Sorry. I'm excited. MARTIN: Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. : A perfect report card, all B's. JANET: Very proud. (Rubs Barry's hair) BARRY= Ma! I got a thing going here. JANET: - You got lint on your fuzz. BARRY: - Ow! That's me!
JANET: - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! (Barry flies out the door) JANET: Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! (Barry drives through the hive,and is waved at by Adam who is reading a newspaper) BARRY== - Hey, Adam. ADAM: - Hey, Barry. (Adam gets in Barry's car) : - Is that fuzz gel? BARRY: - A little. Special day, graduation. ADAM: Never thought I'd make it. (Barry pulls away from the house and continues driving) BARRY: Three days grade school, three days high school... ADAM: Those were awkward. BARRY: Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM== You did come back different. (Barry and Adam pass by Artie, who is jogging) ARTIE: - Hi, Barry!
BARRY: - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. ADAM: - Hear about Frankie? BARRY: - Yeah. ADAM== - You going to the funeral? BARRY: - No, I'm not going to his funeral. : Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. : Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. ADAM: I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. (The car does a barrel roll on the loop-shaped bridge and lands on the highway) : I love this incorporating an amusement park into our regular day. BARRY: I guess that's why they say we don't need vacations. (Barry parallel parks the car and together they fly over the graduating students) Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. (Barry and Adam sit down and put on their hats) : - Well, Adam, today we are men.
ADAM: - We are! BARRY= - Bee-men. =ADAM= - Amen! BARRY AND ADAM: Hallelujah! (Barry and Adam both have a happy spasm) ANNOUNCER: Students, faculty, distinguished bees, : please welcome Dean Buzzwell. DEAN BUZZWELL: Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... : ...9: : That concludes our ceremonies. : And begins your career at Honex Industries! ADAM: Will we pick our job today? (Adam and Barry get into a tour bus) BARRY= I heard it's just orientation. (Tour buses rise out of the ground and the students are automatically loaded into the buses) TOUR GUIDE: Heads up! Here we go.
ANNOUNCER: Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. BARRY: - Wonder what it'll be like? ADAM: - A little scary. TOUR GUIDE== Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco : and a part of the Hexagon Group. Barry: This is it! BARRY AND ADAM: Wow. BARRY: Wow. (The bus drives down a road an on either side are the Bee's massive complicated Honey-making machines) TOUR GUIDE: We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life : to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. : Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. : Our top-secret formula : is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured : into this soothing sweet syrup : with its distinctive golden glow you know as... EVERYONE ON BUS: Honey! (The guide has been collecting honey into a bottle and she throws it into the crowd on the bus and it is caught by a girl in the back) ADAM: - That girl was hot. BARRY: - She's my cousin! ADAM== - She is? BARRY: - Yes, we're all cousins. ADAM: - Right. You're right. TOUR GUIDE: - At Honex, we constantly strive : to improve every aspect of bee existence. : These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. (The bus passes by a Bee wearing a helmet who is being smashed into the ground with fly-swatters, newspapers and boots. He lifts a thumbs up but you can hear him groan) : ADAM==
What's the difference? TOUR GUIDE: You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off : in 27 million years. BARRY: (Upset) So you'll just work us to death? : We'll sure try. (Everyone on the bus laughs except Barry. Barry and Adam are walking back home together) ADAM: Wow! That blew my mind! BARRY: "What's the difference?" How can you say that? : One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. ADAM: I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY: But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM: Why would you question anything? We're bees. : We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.
BARRY: You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? ADAM: Like what? Give me one example. (Barry and Adam stop walking and it is revealed to the audience that hundreds of cars are speeding by and narrowly missing them in perfect unison) BARRY: I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. ANNOUNCER: Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY: Wait a second. Check it out. (The Pollen jocks fly in, circle around and landing in line) : - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! ADAM: - Wow. : I've never seen them this close. BARRY: They know what it's like outside the hive. ADAM: Yeah, but some don't come back. GIRL BEES: - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! (The Pollen Jocks hook up their backpacks to machines that pump the nectar to trucks, which drive away)
LOU LO DUVA: You guys did great! : You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! (Punching the Pollen Jocks in joy) I love it! ADAM: - I wonder where they were. BARRY: - I don't know. : Their day's not planned. : Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. : You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. ADAM== Right. (Barry and Adam are covered in some pollen that floated off of the Pollen Jocks) BARRY: Look at that. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. ADAM: It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. BARRY: Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. (Barry waves at 2 girls standing a little away from them)
ADAM== Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? BARRY: Distant. Distant. POLLEN JOCK #1: Look at these two. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Couple of Hive Harrys. POLLEN JOCK #1: - Let's have fun with them. GIRL BEE #1: It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. BARRY: Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! : He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! (Slaps Adam with his hand to represent his scenario) GIRL BEE #2: - Oh, my! BARRY: - I never thought I'd knock him out. GIRL BEE #1: (Looking at Adam) What were you doing during this? ADAM: Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. BARRY: I can autograph that.
(The pollen jocks walk up to Barry and Adam, they pretend that Barry and Adam really are pollen jocks.) POLLEN JOCK #1: A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? BARRY: Yeah. Gusty. POLLEN JOCK #1: We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY: - Six miles, huh? ADAM: - Barry! POLLEN JOCK #2: A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. BARRY: - Maybe I am. ADAM: - You are not! POLLEN JOCK #1: We're going 0900 at J-Gate. : What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY: I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. (The scene cuts to Barry looking out on the hive-city from his balcony at night) MARTIN:
Hey, Honex! BARRY: Dad, you surprised me. MARTIN: You decide what you're interested in? BARRY: - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. : Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN: Son, let me tell you about stirring. : You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. : You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. BARRY: You know, Dad, the more I think about it, : maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. MARTIN: You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? : That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. :
Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! JANET: - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY: - I'm not trying to be funny. MARTIN: You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! JANET: - You're gonna be a stirrer? BARRY: - No one's listening to me! MARTIN: Wait till you see the sticks I have. BARRY: I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! (Barry's parents don't listen to him and continue to ramble on) MARTIN: Let's open some honey and celebrate! BARRY: Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. : Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! JANET: I'm so proud. (The scene cuts to Barry and Adam waiting in line to get a job) ADAM: - We're starting work today!
BARRY: - Today's the day. ADAM: Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. BARRY: Yeah, right. JOB LISTER: Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Is it still available? JOB LISTER: - Hang on. Two left! : One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. ADAM: - What'd you get? BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Picking crud out. Stellar! (He walks away) ADAM: Wow! JOB LISTER: Couple of newbies? ADAM: Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! JOB LISTER: Make your choice. (Adam and Barry look up at the job board. There are hundreds of constantly changing panels that contain available or unavailable jobs. It looks very confusing)
ADAM: - You want to go first? BARRY: - No, you go. ADAM: Oh, my. What's available? JOB LISTER: Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. ADAM: - Any chance of getting the Krelman? JOB LISTER: - Sure, you're on. (Puts the Krelman finger-hat on Adam's head) (Suddenly the sign for Krelman closes out) : I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. (Takes Adam's hat off) Wax monkey's always open. ADAM: The Krelman opened up again. : What happened? JOB LISTER: A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. : Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. : Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!
ADAM: Oh, this is so hard! (Barry remembers what the Pollen Jock offered him and he flies off) Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, : humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, : mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? (Adam turns around and sees Barry flying away) : Barry! POLLEN JOCK: All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... ADAM: (Through phone) What happened to you? Where are you? BARRY: - I'm going out. ADAM: - Out? Out where? BARRY: - Out there. ADAM: - Oh, no! BARRY: I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. ADAM:
You're gonna die! You're crazy! (Barry hangs up) Hello? POLLEN JOCK #2: Another call coming in. : If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd : that gets their roses today. BARRY: Hey, guys. POLLEN JOCK #1 == - Look at that. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? LOU LO DUVA: Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. POLLEN JOCK #1: It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. (Puts hand on Barry's shoulder) LOU LO DUVA: (To Barry) Really? Feeling lucky, are you? BEE WITH CLIPBOARD: (To Barry) Sign here, here. Just initial that. : - Thank you. LOU LO DUVA: - OK. : You got a rain advisory today, :
and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. : So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, : hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. : Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. : Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! BARRY: - That's awful. LOU LO DUVA: (Still talking through megaphone) - And a reminder for you rookies, : bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! : All right, launch positions! POLLEN JOCKS: (The Pollen Jocks run into formation) : Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! LOU LU DUVA: Black and yellow! POLLEN JOCKS:
Hello! POLLEN JOCK #1: (To Barry)You ready for this, hot shot? BARRY: Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. POLLEN JOCK's: Wind, check. : - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. : - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. BARRY: Scared out of my shorts, check. LOU LO DUVA: OK, ladies, : let's move it out! : Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! : All of you, drain those flowers! (The pollen jocks fly out of the hive) BARRY: Wow! I'm out! : I can't believe I'm out! : So blue.
: I feel so fast and free! : Box kite! (Barry flies through the kite) : Wow! : Flowers! (A pollen jock puts on some high tech goggles that shows flowers similar to heat sink goggles.) POLLEN JOCK: This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. : Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. : Roses! POLLEN JOCK #1: 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. : Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. (The pollen jock fires a high-tech gun at the flower, shooting tubes that suck up the nectar from the flower and collects it into a pouch on the gun) BARRY: That is one nectar collector! POLLEN JOCK #1== - Ever see pollination up close? BARRY: - No, sir. POLLEN JOCK #1:
(Barry and the Pollen jock fly over the field, the pollen jock sprinkles pollen as he goes) : I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, : a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. BARRY: That's amazing. Why do we do that? POLLEN JOCK #1: That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. BARRY: Cool. POLLEN JOCK #1: I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. could be daisies. Don't we need those? POLLEN JOCK #2: Copy that visual. : Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. POLLEN JOCK #1: Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? POLLEN JOCK #2: Affirmative. (The Pollen jocks land near the "flowers" which, to the audience are obviously just tennis balls) KEN: (In the distance) That was on the line!
POLLEN JOCK #1: This is the coolest. What is it? POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't know, but I'm loving this color. : It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. POLLEN JOCK #1: Yeah, fuzzy. (Sticks his hand on the ball but it gets stuck) POLLEN JOCK #3== Chemical-y. (The pollen jock finally gets his hand free from the tennis ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. (The pollen jocks turn around and see Barry lying his entire body on top of one of the tennis balls) POLLEN JOCK #2: My sweet lord of bees! POLLEN JOCK #3: Candy-brain, get off there! POLLEN JOCK #1: (Pointing upwards) Problem! (A human hand reaches down and grabs the tennis ball that Barry is stuck to) BARRY: - Guys! POLLEN JOCK #2: - This could be bad. POLLEN JOCK #3: Affirmative. (Vanessa Bloome starts bouncing the tennis ball, not knowing Barry is stick to it)
BARRY== Very close. : Gonna hurt. : Mama's little boy. (Barry is being hit back and forth by two humans playing tennis. He is still stuck to the ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: You are way out of position, rookie! KEN: Coming in at you like a MISSILE! (Barry flies past the pollen jocks, still stuck to the ball) BARRY: (In slow motion) Help me! POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't think these are flowers. POLLEN JOCK #3: - Should we tell him? POLLEN JOCK #1: - I think he knows. BARRY: What is this?! KEN: Match point! : You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to EAT IT! (A pollen jock coughs which confused Ken and he hits the ball the wrong way with Barry stuck to it and it goes flying into the city) BARRY:
Yowser! (Barry bounces around town and gets stuck in the engine of a car. He flies into the air conditioner and sees a bug that was frozen in there) BARRY: Ew, gross. (The man driving the car turns on the air conditioner which blows Barry into the car) GIRL IN CAR: There's a bee in the car! : - Do something! DAD DRIVING CAR: - I'm driving! BABY GIRL: (Waving at Barry) - Hi, bee. (Barry smiles and waves at the baby girl) GUY IN BACK OF CAR: - He's back here! : He's going to sting me! GIRL IN CAR: Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! (Barry freezes as well, hovering in the middle of the car) : GRANDMA IN CAR== He blinked! (The grandma whips out some bee-spray and sprays everywhere in the car, climbing into the front seat, still trying to spray Barry) GIRL IN CAR: Spray him, Granny! DAD DRIVING THE CAR: What are you doing?! (Barry escapes the car through the air conditioner and is flying high above
the ground, safe.) BARRY: Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. (Barry sees that storm clouds are gathering and he can see rain clouds moving into this direction) : I gotta get home. : Can't fly in rain. : Can't fly in rain. (A rain drop hits Barry and one of his wings is damaged) : Can't fly in rain. (A second rain drop hits Barry again and he spirals downwards) Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! (WW2 plane sound effects are played as he plummets, and he crash-lands on a plant inside an apartment near the window) VANESSA BLOOME: Ken, could you close the window please? KEN== Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. : You see? (Folds brochure resume out) Folds out. (Ken closes the window, trapping Barry inside) BARRY: Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. (Barry tries to fly away but smashes into the window and falls again) : What was that?
(Barry keeps trying to fly out the window but he keeps being knocked back because the window is closed) Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... : Drapes! (Barry taps the glass. He doesn't understand what it is) That is diabolical. KEN: It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. ANDY: What's number one? Star Wars? KEN: Nah, I don't go for that... (Ken makes finger guns and makes "pew pew pew" sounds and then stops) : ...kind of stuff. BARRY: No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. KEN: When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. BARRY: (Looking at the light on the ceiling) There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. (Starts flying towards the lightbulb) : I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. (Barry hits the lightbulb and falls into the dip on the table that the humans are sitting at) KEN:
I predicted global warming. : I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. (Andy dips a chip into the bowl and scoops up some dip with Barry on it and is about to put it in his mouth) : Wait! Stop! Bee! (Andy drops the chip with Barry in fear and backs away. All the humans freak out) : Stand back. These are winter boots. (Ken has winter boots on his hands and he is about to smash the bee but Vanessa saves him last second) VANESSA: Wait! : Don't kill him! (Vanessa puts Barry in a glass to protect him) KEN: You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! VANESSA: Why does his life have less value than yours? KEN: Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? VANESSA: I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. (Vanessa picks up Ken's brochure and puts it under the glass so she can carry Barry back to the window. Barry looks at Vanessa in amazement) KEN:
My brochure! VANESSA: There you go, little guy. (Vanessa opens the window and lets Barry out but Barry stays back and is still shocked that a human saved his life) KEN: I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. VANESSA: Put that on your resume brochure. KEN: My whole face could puff up. ANDY: Make it one of your special skills. KEN: Knocking someone out is also a special skill. (Ken walks to the door) Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. : - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? VANESSA: - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. : (Vanessa tries to close door) KEN== - You could put carob chips on there. VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door but Ken opens it again) KEN: - Supposed to be less calories.
VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door) (Fast forward to the next day, Barry is still inside the house. He flies into the kitchen where Vanessa is doing dishes) BARRY== (Talking to himself) I gotta say something. : She saved my life. I gotta say something. : All right, here it goes. (Turns back) Nah. : What would I say? : I could really get in trouble. : It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. : I can't believe I'm doing this. : I've got to. (Barry disguises himself as a character on a food can as Vanessa walks by again) : Oh, I can't do it. Come on! : No. Yes. No. : Do it. I can't.
: How should I start it? (Barry strikes a pose and wiggles his eyebrows) "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. (Vanessa is about to walk past Barry) Here she comes! Speak, you fool! : ...Hi! (Vanessa gasps and drops the dishes in fright and notices Barry on the counter) : I'm sorry. VANESSA: - You're talking. BARRY: - Yes, I know. VANESSA: (Pointing at Barry) You're talking! BARRY: I'm so sorry. VANESSA: No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. : But I don't recall going to bed. BARRY: Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. VANESSA: This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!
BARRY: I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, (Pointing to the living room where Ken tried to kill him last night) but they were all trying to kill me. : And if it wasn't for you... : I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. (Vanessa stabs her hand with a fork to test whether she's dreaming or not) : That was a little weird. VANESSA: - I'm talking with a bee. BARRY: - Yeah. VANESSA: I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! BARRY: I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. (Barry turns to leave) VANESSA: - Wait! How did you learn to do that? BARRY: (Flying back) - What? VANESSA: The talking...thing. BARRY:
Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. VANESSA: - That's very funny. BARRY: - Yeah. : Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. : Anyway... VANESSA: Can I... : ...get you something? BARRY: - Like what? VANESSA: I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? BARRY: I don't want to put you out. VANESSA: It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. : - It's just coffee. BARRY: - I hate to impose. (Vanessa starts making coffee) VANESSA: - Don't be ridiculous!
BARRY: - Actually, I would love a cup. VANESSA: Hey, you want rum cake? BARRY: - I shouldn't. VANESSA: - Have some. BARRY: - No, I can't. VANESSA: - Come on! BARRY: I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. VANESSA: - Where? BARRY: - These stripes don't help. VANESSA: You look great! BARRY: I don't know if you know anything about fashion. : Are you all right? VANESSA: (Pouring coffee on the floor and missing the cup completely) No. (Flash forward in time. Barry and Vanessa are sitting together at a table on top of the apartment building drinking coffee)
: BARRY== He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. : He finally gets there. : He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. : And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. : Why would I marry a watermelon?" (Barry laughs but Vanessa looks confused) VANESSA: Is that a bee joke? BARRY: That's the kind of stuff we do. VANESSA: Yeah, different. : So, what are you gonna do, Barry? (Barry stands on top of a sugar cube floating in his coffee and paddles it around with a straw like it's a gondola) BARRY: About work? I don't know. : I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. VANESSA: I know how you feel.
BARRY: - You do? VANESSA: - Sure. : My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. BARRY: - Really? VANESSA: - My only interest is flowers. BARRY: Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. : Anyway, if you look... (Barry points to a tree in the middle of Central Park) : There's my hive right there. See it? VANESSA: You're in Sheep Meadow! BARRY: Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! VANESSA: No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. BARRY: - Why do girls put rings on their toes? VANESSA: - Why not? BARRY:
ADAM: Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! : Giant, scary humans! What were they like? BARRY: Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. : They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. ADAM: - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? BARRY: - Some of them. But some of them don't. ADAM: - How'd you get back? BARRY: - Poodle. ADAM: You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. : You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. BARRY: - Well... ADAM: - Well? BARRY: Well, I met someone.
ADAM: You did? Was she Bee-ish? : - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! BARRY: - No, no, no, not a wasp. ADAM: - Spider? BARRY: - I'm not attracted to spiders. : I know, for everyone else, it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. : I can't get by that face. ADAM: So who is she? BARRY: She's... human. ADAM: No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. BARRY: - Her name's Vanessa. (Adam puts his head in his hands) ADAM: - Oh, boy. BARRY== She's so nice. And she's a florist! ADAM: Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
BARRY: We're not dating. ADAM: You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes : with power washers and M-80s! That's one-eighth a stick of dynamite! BARRY: She saved my life! And she understands me. ADAM: This is over! BARRY: Eat this. (Barry gives Adam a piece of the crumb that he got from Vanessa. Adam eats it) ADAM: (Adam's tone changes) This is not over! What was that? BARRY: - They call it a crumb. ADAM: - It was so stingin' stripey! BARRY: And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! : - You know what a Cinnabon is? ADAM: - No. (Adam opens a door behind him and he pulls Barry in)
BARRY: It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. ADAM: Be quiet! BARRY: They heat it up... ADAM: Sit down! (Adam forces Barry to sit down) BARRY: (Still rambling about Cinnabons) ...really hot! (Adam grabs Barry by the shoulders) ADAM: - Listen to me! : We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! BARRY== Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? ADAM: There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! : You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! BARRY: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEE: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEES AND ADAM: Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee! (Flash forward in time; Barry is laying on a raft in a pool full of honey. He is wearing sunglasses) JANET: There he is. He's in the pool. MARTIN: You know what your problem is, Barry? (Barry pulls down his sunglasses and he looks annoyed) BARRY: (Sarcastic) I gotta start thinking bee? JANET: How much longer will this go on? MARTIN: It's been three days! Why aren't you working? (Puts sunglasses back on) BARRY: I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. MARTIN: What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! JANET: Would it kill you to make a little honey? (Barry rolls off the raft and sinks into the honey pool) : Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. : Martin, would you talk to him? MARTIN:
Barry, I'm talking to you! (Barry keeps sinking into the honey until he is suddenly in Central Park having a picnic with Vanessa) (Barry has a cup of honey and he clinks his glass with Vanessas. Suddenly a mosquito lands on Vanessa and she slaps it, killing it. They both gasp but then burst out laughing) VANESSA: You coming? (The camera pans over and Vanessa is climbing into a small yellow airplane) BARRY: Got everything? VANESSA: All set! BARRY: Go ahead. I'll catch up. (Vanessa lifts off and flies ahead) VANESSA: Don't be too long. (Barry catches up with Vanessa and he sticks out his arms like ana irplane. He rolls from side to side, and Vanessa copies him with the airplane) VANESSA: Watch this! (Barry stays back and watches as Vanessa draws a heart in the air using pink smoke from the plane, but on the last loop-the-loop she suddenly crashes into a mountain and the plane explodes. The destroyed plane falls into some rocks and explodes a second time) BARRY: Vanessa! (As Barry is yelling his mouth fills with honey and he wakes up, discovering that he was just day dreaming. He slowly sinks back into the honey pool) MARTIN: - We're still here.
JANET: - I told you not to yell at him. : He doesn't respond to yelling! MARTIN: - Then why yell at me? JANET: - Because you don't listen! MARTIN: I'm not listening to this. BARRY: Sorry, I've gotta go. MARTIN: - Where are you going? BARRY: - I'm meeting a friend. JANET: A girl? Is this why you can't decide? BARRY: Bye. (Barry flies out the door and Martin shakes his head) : JANET== I just hope she's Bee-ish. (Fast forward in time and Barry is sitting on Vanessa's shoulder and she is closing up her shop) BARRY: They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? VANESSA: To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!
: Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. BARRY: A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? VANESSA: No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? BARRY: It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. VANESSA: Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. BARRY: TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! VANESSA: You don't have that? BARRY: We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. VANESSA: Oh, my. (A human walks by and Barry narrowly avoids him) PASSERBY: Dumb bees! VANESSA: You must want to sting all those jerks. BARRY: We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us. VANESSA: So you have to watch your temper (They walk into a store) BARRY: Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, : write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: : Anger, jealousy, lust. (Suddenly an employee(Hector) hits Barry off of Vanessa's shoulder. Hector thinks he's saving Vanessa) VANESSA: (To Barry) Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? (Barry is getting up off the floor) BARRY: Yeah. VANESSA: (To Hector) - What is wrong with you?! HECTOR: (Confused) - It's a bug. VANESSA: He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! (Vanessa hits Hector across the face with the magazine he had and then hits him in the head. Hector backs away covering his head) Barry: What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? (Vanessa sets Barry back on her shoulder)
VANESSA: Yeah, it was. How did you know? BARRY: It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. VANESSA: You've really got that down to a science. BARRY: - Oh, we have to. I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. VANESSA: - I'll bet. (Barry looks to his right and notices there is honey for sale in the aisle) BARRY: What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? (Barry looks at all the brands of honey, shocked) How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, : Ray Liotta Private Select? (Barry puts his hands up and slowly turns around, a look of disgust on his face) VANESSA: - Is he that actor? BARRY: - I never heard of him. : - Why is this here? VANESSA: - For people. We eat it. BARRY:
You don't have enough food of your own?! (Hector looks back and notices that Vanessa is talking to Barry) VANESSA: - Well, yes. BARRY: - How do you get it? VANESSA: - Bees make it. BARRY: - I know who makes it! : And it's hard to make it! : There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! VANESSA: - It's organic. BARRY: - It's our-ganic! VANESSA: It's just honey, Barry. BARRY: Just what?! : Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! : You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! :
And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. : I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! (Flash forward in time; Barry paints his face with black strikes like a soldier and sneaks into the storage section of the store) (Two men, including Hector, are loading boxes into some trucks) : SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE== Hey, Hector. : - You almost done? HECTOR: - Almost. (Barry takes a step to peak around the corner) (Whispering) He is here. I sense it. : Well, I guess I'll go home now (Hector pretends to walk away by walking in place and speaking loudly) : and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. BARRY: You're busted, box boy! HECTOR: I knew I heard something! So you can talk! BARRY: I can talk. And now you'll start talking! : Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier? HECTOR: I don't understand. I thought we were friends. : The last thing we want to do is upset bees! (Hector takes a thumbtack out of the board behind him and sword-fights Barry. Barry is using his stinger like a sword) : You're too late! It's ours now! BARRY: You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! HECTOR: You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! (Barry hits the thumbtack out of Hectors hand and Hector surrenders) Barry: Where is the honey coming from? : Tell me where! HECTOR: (Pointing to leaving truck) Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! (Barry chases after the truck but it is getting away. He flies onto a bicyclists' backpack and he catches up to the truck) CAR DRIVER: (To bicyclist) Crazy person! (Barry flies off and lands on the windshield of the Honey farms truck. Barry looks around and sees dead bugs splattered everywhere) BARRY: What horrible thing has happened here?
: These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now : they're on the road to nowhere! (Barry hears a sudden whisper) (Barry looks up and sees Mooseblood, a mosquito playing dead) MOOSEBLOOD: Just keep still. BARRY: What? You're not dead? MOOSEBLOOD: Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? BARRY: To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. MOOSEBLOOD: I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! ANOTHER BUG PLAYING DEAD: I'm going to Tacoma. (Barry looks at another bug) BARRY: - And you? MOOSEBLOOD: - He really is dead. BARRY: All right. (Another bug hits the windshield and the drivers notice. They activate the windshield wipers) MOOSEBLOOD== Uh-oh! (The windshield wipers are slowly sliding over the dead bugs and wiping
them off) BARRY: - What is that?! MOOSEBLOOD: - Oh, no! : - A wiper! Triple blade! BARRY: - Triple blade? MOOSEBLOOD: Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! (Mooseblood and Barry grab onto the wiper and they hold on as it wipes the windshield) Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! : How much do you people need to see?! (Bangs on windshield) : Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! RADIO IN TRUCK: From NPR News in Washington, I'm Carl Kasell. MOOSEBLOOD: But don't kill no more bugs! (Mooseblood and Barry are washed off by the wipr fluid) MOOSEBLOOD: - Bee! BARRY: - Moose blood guy!! (Barry starts screaming as he hangs onto the antenna) (Suddenly it is revealed that a water bug is also hanging on the antenna.
There is a pause and then Barry and the water bug both start screaming) TRUCK DRIVER: - You hear something? GUY IN TRUCK: - Like what? TRUCK DRIVER: Like tiny screaming. GUY IN TRUCK: Turn off the radio. (The antenna starts to lower until it gets to low and sinks into the truck. The water bug flies off and Barry is forced to let go and he is blown away. He luckily lands inside a horn on top of the truck where he finds Mooseblood, who was blown into the same place) MOOSEBLOOD: Whassup, bee boy? BARRY: Hey, Blood. (Fast forward in time and we see that Barry is deep in conversation with Mooseblood. They have been sitting in this truck for a while) BARRY: ...Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. MOOSEBLOOD: Wow! BARRY: I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. : I mean, that honey's ours. MOOSEBLOOD: - Bees hang tight. BARRY:
MOOSEBLOOD: I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? (The truck goes out of view and Barry notices that the truck he's on is pulling into a camp of some sort) TRUCK DRIVER: We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. (Barry flies out) BARRY: What is this place? BEEKEEPER 1#: A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. BEEKEEPER #2: They are pinheads! : Pinhead. : - Check out the new smoker. BEEKEEPER #1: - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. : The Thomas 3000! BARRY: Smoker? BEEKEEPER #1: Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. : A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.
BEEKEEPER #2: They make the honey, and we make the money. BARRY: "They make the honey, and we make the money"? (The Beekeeper sprays hundreds of cheap miniature apartments with the smoker. The bees are fainting or passing out) Oh, my! : What's going on? Are you OK? (Barry flies into one of the apartment and helps a Bee couple get off the ground. They are coughing and its hard for them to stand) BEE IN APARTMENT: Yeah. It doesn't last too long. BARRY: Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? BEE IN APPARTMENT: Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. (The apartment room is completely empty except for a photo on the wall of the "queen" who is obviously a man in women's clothes) BARRY: This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! : That's a drag queen! : What is this? (Barry flies out and he discovers that there are hundreds of these structures, each housing thousands of Bees) Oh, no! : There's hundreds of them! (Barry takes out his camera and takes pictures of these Bee work camps. The beekeepers look very evil in these depictions)
Bee honey. : Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! : This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. (Flash forward in time and Barry is showing these pictures to his parents) JANET: Oh, Barry, stop. MARTIN: Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. BARRY: Do these look like rumors? (Holds up the pictures) UNCLE CARL: That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. JANET: How did you get mixed up in this? ADAM: He's been talking to humans. JANET: - What? MARTIN: - Talking to humans?! ADAM: He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! JANET: Make out? Barry!
BARRY: We do not. ADAM: - You wish you could. MARTIN: - Whose side are you on? BARRY: The bees! UNCLE CARL: (He has been sitting in the back of the room this entire time) I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. JANET: Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? BARRY: I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! : Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked : your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. JANET: I remember that. BARRY: What right do they have to our honey? : We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
ADAM: Even if it's true, what can one bee do? BARRY: Sting them where it really hurts. MARTIN: In the face! The eye! : - That would hurt. BARRY: - No. MARTIN: Up the nose? That's a killer. BARRY: There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. (Flash forward a bit in time and we are watching the Bee News) BEE NEWS NARRATOR: Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. BEE PROTESTOR: No more bee beards! BEE NEWS NARRATOR: With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. : Weather with Storm Stinger. : Sports with Buzz Larvi. : And Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. JEANETTE CHUNG:
KEN: In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! VANESSA: It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. KEN== Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? BARRY: (To Ken) Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. KEN: (Pointing at Barry) - Is that that same bee? VANESSA: - Yes, it is! : I'm helping him sue the human race. BARRY: - Hello. KEN: - Hello, bee. VANESSA: This is Ken. BARRY: (Recalling the "Winter Boots" incident earlier) Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. KEN: (To Vanessa) Why does he talk again? VANESSA:
Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. KEN: But it's our yogurt night! VANESSA: (Holding door open for Ken) Bye-bye. KEN: (Yelling) Why is yogurt night so difficult?! (Ken leaves and Vanessa walks over to Barry. His workplace is a mess) VANESSA: You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! BARRY: Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. ADAM: - Frosting... - How many sugars? ==BARRY== Just one. I try not to use the competition. : So why are you helping me? VANESSA: Bees have good qualities. : And it takes my mind off the shop. : Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. BARRY:
Those are great, if you're three. VANESSA: And artificial flowers. BARRY: - Oh, those just get me psychotic! VANESSA: - Yeah, me too. : BARRY: Bent stingers, pointless pollination. ADAM: Bees must hate those fake things! : Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. : Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. VANESSA: - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. BARRY: - I guess. ADAM: You sure you want to go through with it? BARRY: Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able : to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! (Flash forward in time and we are watching the human news. The camera shows
a crowd outside a courthouse) NEWS REPORTER: It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, : where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, : we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. (We are no longer watching through a news camera) ADAM: What have we gotten into here, Barry? BARRY: It's pretty big, isn't it? ADAM== (Looking at the hundreds of people around the courthouse) I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. BARRY: You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? SECURITY GUARD: Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. (A limousine drives up and a fat man,Layton Montgomery, a honey industry owner gets out and walks past Barry) ADAM: - What's the matter? BARRY: - I don't know, I just got a chill. (Fast forward in time and everyone is in the court) MONTGOMERY: Well, if it isn't the bee team.
(To Honey Industry lawyers) You boys work on this? MAN: All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. JUDGE BUMBLETON: All right. Case number 4475, : Superior Court of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry : is now in session. : Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? MONTGOMERY: A privilege. JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? (Everyone looks closely, they are waiting to see if a Bee can really talk) (Barry makes several buzzing sounds to sound like a Bee) BARRY: I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. JUDGE BUMBLBETON: Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. MONTGOMERY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, : my grandmother was a simple woman. :
Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right : to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. : If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, : just think of what would it mean. : I would have to negotiate with the silkworm : for the elastic in my britches! : Talking bee! (Montgomery walks over and looks closely at Barry) : How do we know this isn't some sort of : holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? : They could be using laser beams! : Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, : he could be on steroids! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson?
BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. : I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. : It's important to all bees. We invented it! : We make it. And we protect it with our lives. : Unfortunately, there are some people in this room : who think they can take it from us : 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, : you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have : but everything we are! JANET== (To Martin) I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Call your first witness. BARRY: So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have. KLAUSS VANDERHAYDEN: I suppose so. BARRY: I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! KLAUSS: Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. BARRY: Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. : I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? KLAUSS: (Quietly) - No. BARRY: - I couldn't hear you. KLAUSS: - No. BARRY: - No. : Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, : it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. KLAUSS: They're very lovable creatures.
: Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. BARRY: You mean like this? (The bear from Over The Hedge barges in through the back door and it is roaring and standing on its hind legs. It is thrashing its claws and people are screaming. It is being held back by a guard who has the bear on a chain) : (Pointing to the roaring bear) Bears kill bees! : How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! : Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! JUDGE BUMBLETON: OK, that's enough. Take him away. (The bear stops roaring and thrashing and walks out) BARRY: So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. : - Where have I heard it before? MR. STING: - I was with a band called The Police. BARRY: But you've never been a police officer, have you? STING: No, I haven't. BARRY:
No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example : of bee culture casually stolen by a human : for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. STING: Oh, please. BARRY: Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? : Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. : Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! MONTGOMERY: That's not his real name?! You idiots! BARRY: Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on : your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. RAY LIOTTA: Thank you. Thank you. BARRY: I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome : with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow. RAY LIOTTA: I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? BARRY: Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? : Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't : have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? RAY LIOTTA: Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! BARRY: This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! (Ray Liotta looses it and tries to grab Barry) RAY LIOTTA: Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! JUDGE BUMBLETON: - Order in this court! RAY LIOTTA: - You're all thinking it! (Judge Bumbleton starts banging her gavel) JUDGE BUMBLETON: Order! Order, I say! RAY LIOTTA: - Say it! MAN:
I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. KEN: Oh, that was lucky. (Ken sits down at the table across from Barry and Vanessa leaves the room) VANESSA: There's a little left. I could heat it up. KEN: (Not taking his eyes off Barry) Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. BARRY: So I hear you're quite a tennis player. : I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. KEN: That's where I usually sit. Right... (Points to where Barry is sitting) there. VANESSA: (Calling from other room) Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, : and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. KEN: (To Barry) You think I don't see what you're doing? BARRY: I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common.
KEN: Do we? BARRY: Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. KEN: (Menacingly) That's just what I was thinking about doing. (Ken reaches for a fork on the table but knocks if on the floor. He goes to pick it up) VANESSA: Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. (Ken quickly rises back up after hearing this but hits his head on the table and yells) BARRY: I'm going to drain the old stinger. KEN: Yeah, you do that. (Barry flies past Ken to get to the bathroom and Ken freaks out, splashing some of the wine he was using to cool his head in his eyes. He yells in anger) (Barry looks at the magazines featuring his victories in court) BARRY: Look at that. (Barry flies into the bathroom) (He puts his hand on his head but this makes hurts him and makes him even madder. He yells again) (Barry is washing his hands in the sink but then Ken walks in) KEN: You know, you know I've just about had it (Closes bathroom door behind him) with your little mind games. (Ken is menacingly rolling up a magazine) BARRY:
(Backing away) - What's that? KEN: - Italian Vogue. BARRY: Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. KEN: It's a lot of ads. BARRY: Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? KEN: That's funny, I just can't seem to recall that! (Ken smashes everything off the sink with the magazine and Barry narrowly escapes) (Ken follows Barry around and tries to hit him with the magazine but he keeps missing) (Ken gets a spray bottle) : I think something stinks in here! BARRY: (Enjoying the spray) I love the smell of flowers. (Ken holds a lighter in front of the spray bottle) KEN: How do you like the smell of flames?! BARRY: Not as much. (Ken fires his make-shift flamethrower but misses Barry, burning the bathroom. He torches the whole room but looses his footing and falls into the bathtub. After getting hit in the head by falling objects 3 times he picks up the shower head, revealing a Water bug hiding under it) WATER BUG: Water bug! Not taking sides!
(Barry gets up out of a pile of bathroom supplies and he is wearing a chapstick hat) BARRY: Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! (Ken switches the shower head to lethal) KEN: I've got issues! (Ken sprays Barry with the shower head and he crash lands into the toilet) (Ken menacingly looks down into the toilet at Barry) Well, well, well, a royal flush! BARRY: - You're bluffing. KEN: - Am I? (flushes toilet) (Barry grabs a chapstick from the toilet seat and uses it to surf in the flushing toilet) BARRY: Surf's up, dude! (Barry flies out of the toilet on the chapstick and sprays Ken's face with the toilet water) : EW,Poo water! BARRY: That bowl is gnarly. KEN: (Aiming a toilet cleaner at Barry) Except for those dirty yellow rings! (Barry cowers and covers his head and Vanessa runs in and takes the toilet cleaner from Ken just before he hits Barry) VANESSA: Kenneth! What are you doing?! KEN== (Leaning towards Barry)
You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! VANESSA: We need to talk! (Vanessa pulls Ken out of the bathroom) : He's just a little bee! : And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! KEN: Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? VANESSA: No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! KEN: Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... : My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! VANESSA: Goodbye, Ken. (Ken huffs and walks out and slams the door. But suddenly he walks back in and stares at Barry) : And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners MADE BY MAN! (Ken leaves again and Vanessa leans in towards Barry) VANESSA: I'm sorry about all that. (Ken walks back in again)
KEN: I know it's got an aftertaste! I LIKE IT! (Ken leaves for the last time) VANESSA: I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. : I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. : Are you OK for the trial? BARRY: I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. (Flash forward in time and Barry, Adam, and Vanessa are back in court) MONTGOMERY-- We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. ADAM: Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... (Barry stares at Adam) ...Yeah. LAWYER: Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. MONTGOMERY: Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around : is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. (To lawyer)
MONTGOMERY: Oh, I'm hit!! : Oh, lordy, I am hit! JUDGE BUMBLETON: (Banging gavel) Order! Order! MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting) The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! : I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! : You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! : Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! BARRY: - Adam, stay with me. ADAM: - I can't feel my legs. MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting and throwing his body around the room) What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison : from my heaving buttocks? JUDGE BUMLBETON: I will have order in this court. Order!
: Order, please! (Flash forward in time and we see a human news reporter) NEWS REPORTER: The case of the honeybees versus the human race : took a pointed turn against the bees : yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. (Adam is laying in a hospital bed and Barry flies in to see him) BARRY: - Hey, buddy. ADAM: - Hey. BARRY: - Is there much pain? ADAM: - Yeah. : I... : I blew the whole case, didn't I? BARRY: It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. ADAM: I'd be better off dead. Look at me. (A small plastic sword is replaced as Adam's stinger) They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
: Look, there's a little celery still on it. (Flicks off the celery and sighs) BARRY: What was it like to sting someone? ADAM: I can't explain it. It was all... : All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! BARRY: ...All right. ADAM: You think it was all a trap? BARRY: Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. : What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. ADAM: What will the humans do to us if they win? BARRY: I don't know. ADAM: I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. BARRY: Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!
ADAM: Oh, my. (Coughs) Could you get a nurse to close that window? BARRY: - Why? ADAM: - The smoke. (We can see that two humans are smoking cigarettes outside) : Bees don't smoke. BARRY: Right. Bees don't smoke. : Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. : That's it! That's our case! ADAM: It is? It's not over? BARRY: Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. : Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. (Flash forward in time and Adam is making a paper boat in the courtroom) ADAM: And assuming you've done step 29 correctly, you're ready for the tub! (We see that the jury have each made their own paper boats after being taught how by Adam. They all look confused) JUDGE BUMBLETON:
Mr. Flayman. ADAM: Yes? Yes, Your Honor! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Where is the rest of your team? ADAM: (Continues stalling) Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. : Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, : and as a result, we don't make very good time. : I actually heard a funny story about... MONTGOMERY: Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs : taken up enough of this court's valuable time? : How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? : They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges : against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. : I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going : to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. ADAM: But you can't! We have a terrific case. MONTGOMERY: Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? : Show me the smoking gun! BARRY: (Barry flies in through the door) Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? : Here is your smoking gun. (Vanessa walks in holding a bee smoker. She sets it down on the Judge's podium) JUDGE BUMBLETON: What is that? BARRY: It's a bee smoker! MONTGOMERY: (Picks up smoker) What, this? This harmless little contraption? : This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. (Montgomery accidentally fires it at the bees in the crowd and they faint
and cough) (Dozens of reporters start taking pictures of the suffering bees) BARRY: Look at what has happened : to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" : Is this what nature intended for us? : To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines : and man-made wooden slat work camps? : Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? (Barry points to the honey industry owners. One of them is an African American so he awkwardly separates himself from the others) LAWYER: - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! ADAM AND VANESSA: Free the bees! Free the bees! BEES IN CROWD: Free the bees! HUMAN JURY: Free the bees! Free the bees! JUDGE BUMBLETON: The court finds in favor of the bees!
BARRY: Vanessa, we won! VANESSA: I knew you could do it! High-five! (Vanessa hits Barry hard because her hand is too big) : Sorry. BARRY: (Overjoyed) I'm OK! You know what this means? : All the honey will finally belong to the bees. : Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. MONTGOMERY: This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. : You'll regret this. (Montgomery leaves and Barry goes outside the courtroom. Several reporters start asking Barry questions) REPORTER 1#: Barry, how much honey is out there? BARRY: All right. One at a time. REPORTER 2#: Barry, who are you wearing? BARRY: My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.
(Barry flies outside with the paparazzi and Adam and Vanessa stay back) ADAM: (To Vanessa) - What if Montgomery's right? Vanessa: - What do you mean? ADAM: We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to a man) BUSINESS MAN: Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? BARRY: First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. (As Barry is talking we see a montage of men putting "closed" tape over the work camps and freeing the bees in the crappy apartments) Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, : every last drop. (Men in suits are pushing all the honey of the aisle and into carts) We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more (We see a statue of a bear-shaped honey container being pulled down by bees) than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. : We're all aware of what they do in the woods. (We see Winnie the Pooh sharing his honey with Piglet in the cross-hairs of a high-tech sniper rifle) BARRY: (Looking through binoculars)
Wait for my signal. : Take him out. (Winnie gets hit by a tranquilizer dart and dramatically falls off the log he was standing on, his tongue hanging out. Piglet looks at Pooh in fear and the Sniper takes the honey.) SNIPER: He'll have nausea for a few hours, then he'll be fine. (Flash forward in time) BARRY: And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... (Mr. Sting is sitting at home until he is taken out of his house by the men in suits) STING: But it's just a prance-about stage name! BARRY: ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products : and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. (An old lady is mixing honey into her tea but suddenly men in suits smash her face down on the table and take the honey) OLD LADY: Can't breathe. (A honey truck pulls up to Barry's hive) WORKER: Bring it in, boys! : Hold it right there! Good. : Tap it.
(Tons of honey is being pumped into the hive's storage) BEE WORKER 1#: (Honey overflows from the cup) Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! : - I think we need to shut down! =BEE WORKER #2= - Shut down? We've never shut down. : Shut down honey production! DEAN BUZZWELL: Stop making honey! (The bees all leave their stations. Two bees run into a room and they put the keys into a machine) Turn your key, sir! (Two worker bees dramatically turn their keys, which opens the button which they press, shutting down the honey-making machines. This is the first time this has ever happened) BEE: ...What do we do now? (Flash forward in time and a Bee is about to jump into a pool full of honey) Cannonball! (The bee gets stuck in the honey and we get a short montage of Bees leaving work) (We see the Pollen Jocks flying but one of them gets a call on his antenna) LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") We're shutting honey production! : Mission abort. POLLEN JOCK #1: Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. (The Pollen Jocks fly back to the hive)
(We get a time lapse of Central Park slowly wilting away as the bees all relax) BARRY: Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. ADAM: Oh, yeah? BARRY: What's going on? Where is everybody? (The entire street is deserted) : - Are they out celebrating? ADAM: - They're home. : They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. : I heard your Uncle Carl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. BARRY: At least we got our honey back. ADAM: Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? : It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. : This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. :
And now... : Now I can't. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to Vanessa) BARRY: I don't understand why they're not happy. : I thought their lives would be better! : They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. VANESSA: You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? BARRY: - What did you want to show me? (Vanessa takes Barry to the rooftop where they first had coffee and points to her store) VANESSA: - This. (Points at her flowers. They are all grey and wilting) BARRY: What happened here? VANESSA: That is not the half of it. (Small flash forward in time and Vanessa and Barry are on the roof of her store and she points to Central Park) (We see that Central Park is no longer green and colorful, rather it is grey, brown, and dead-like. It is very depressing to look at) BARRY: Oh, no. Oh, my. :
They're all wilting. VANESSA: Doesn't look very good, does it? BARRY: No. VANESSA: And whose fault do you think that is? BARRY: You know, I'm gonna guess bees. VANESSA== (Staring at Barry) Bees? BARRY: Specifically, me. : I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. VANESSA: It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. BARRY: That's our whole SAT test right there. VANESSA: Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. : And then, of course... BARRY: The human species? : So if there's no more pollination,
: it could all just go south here, couldn't it? VANESSA: I know this is also partly my fault. BARRY: How about a suicide pact? VANESSA: How do we do it? BARRY: - I'll sting you, you step on me. VANESSA: - That just kills you twice. BARRY: Right, right. VANESSA: Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. (Vanessa leaves) BARRY: (To himself) I had to open my mouth and talk. : Vanessa? : Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? (Vanessa is getting into a taxi) VANESSA: To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. :
They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. : It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. BARRY: Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. VANESSA: I know. Me neither. (The taxi starts to drive away) BARRY: Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. : Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? : Roses! : Vanessa! (Barry flies after the Taxi) VANESSA: Roses?! : Barry? (Barry is flying outside the window of the taxi) BARRY: - Roses are flowers! VANESSA: - Yes, they are. BARRY: Flowers, bees, pollen!
VANESSA: I know. That's why this is the last parade. BARRY: Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? VANESSA: Could you slow down? (The taxi driver screeches to a stop and Barry keeps flying forward) : Barry! (Barry flies back to the window) BARRY: OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. VANESSA: Yes, it kind of is. BARRY: I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you : with the flower shop. I've made it worse. VANESSA: Actually, it's completely closed down. BARRY: I thought maybe you were remodeling. : But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. VANESSA: I don't want to hear it!
BARRY: All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. : I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. : All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. : - Bees. VANESSA: - Park. BARRY: - Pollen! VANESSA: - Flowers. BARRY: - Re-pollination! VANESSA: - Across the nation! : Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. : They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. : Security will be tight. BARRY: I have an idea.
(Flash forward in time. Vanessa is about to board a plane which has all the Roses on board. VANESSA: Vanessa Bloome, FTD. (Holds out badge) : Official floral business. It's real. SECURITY GUARD: Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. =VANESSA== Thank you. It was a gift. (Barry is revealed to be hiding inside the brooch) (Flash back in time and Barry and Vanessa are discussing their plan) BARRY: Once inside, we just pick the right float. VANESSA: How about The Princess and the Pea? : I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! BARRY: Yes, I got it. : - Where should I sit? GUARD: - What are you? BARRY: - I believe I'm the pea. GUARD: - The pea? VANESSA:
It goes under the mattresses. GUARD: - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. VANESSA: You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! : Let's see what this baby'll do. (Vanessa drives the float through traffic) GUARD: Hey, what are you doing?! BARRY== Then all we do is blend in with traffic... : ...without arousing suspicion. : Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are about to get on a plane) SECURITY GUARD: Stop! Security. : - You and your insect pack your float? VANESSA: - Yes. SECURITY GUARD: Has it been in your possession the entire time? VANESSA: - Yes.
SECURITY GUARD: Would you remove your shoes? (To Barry) - Remove your stinger. BARRY: - It's part of me. SECURITY GUARD: I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. (Barry plotting with Vanessa) BARRY: Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are flying on the plane) Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! VANESSA: I think this is gonna work. BARRY: It's got to work. CAPTAIN SCOTT: (On intercom) Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. : We have a bit of bad weather in New York. : It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. VANESSA: Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. BARRY:
I gotta get up there and talk to them. VANESSA== Be careful. (Barry flies right outside the cockpit door) BARRY: Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. (The flight attendant opens the door and walks out and Barry flies into the cockpit unseen) BARRY: Captain, I'm in a real situation. CAPTAIN SCOTT: - What'd you say, Hal? CO-PILOT HAL: - Nothing. (Scott notices Barry and freaks out) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Bee! BARRY: No,no,no, Don't freak out! My entire species... (Captain Scott gets out of his seat and tries to suck Barry into a handheld vacuum) HAL: (To Scott) What are you doing? (Barry lands on Hals hair but Scott sees him. He tries to suck up Barry but instead he sucks up Hals toupee) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Uh-oh. BARRY: - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
HAL: (Hal doesn't know Barry is on his head) - Who's an attorney? CAPTAIN SCOTT: Don't move. (Scott hits Hal in the face with the vacuum in an attempt to hit Barry. Hal is knocked out and he falls on the life raft button which launches an infalatable boat into Scott, who gets knocked out and falls to the floor. They are both uncounscious.) BARRY: (To himself) Oh, Barry. BARRY: (On intercom, with a Southern accent) Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. : Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? (Vanessa looks confused) (Normal accent) ...And please hurry! (Vanessa opens the door and sees the life raft and the uncounscious pilots) VANESSA: What happened here? BARRY: I tried to talk to them, but then there was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. : Now one's bald, one's in a boat, and they're both unconscious! VANESSA: ...Is that another bee joke? BARRY:
VANESSA: I can't fly a plane. BARRY: - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? VANESSA: - Yes. BARRY: How hard could it be? (Vanessa sits down and flies for a little bit but we see lightning clouds outside the window) VANESSA: Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. (An ominous lightning storm looms in front of the plane) (We are now watching the Bee News) BOB BUMBLE: This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, : where a suspenseful scene is developing. : Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... ADAM: That's Barry! BOB BUMBLE: ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers : and an incapacitated flight crew. JANET, MARTIN, UNCLE CAR AND ADAM: Flowers?! (The scene switches to the human news)
REPORTER: (Talking with Bob Bumble) We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls : with absolutely no flight experience. BOB BUMBLE: Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. BUD: I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. : They've done enough damage. REPORTER: But isn't he your only hope? BUD: Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. : Their wings are too small... BARRY: (Through radio) Haven't we heard this a million times? : "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."... BOB BUMBLE: - Get this on the air! BEE: - Got it.
BEE NEWS CREW: - Stand by. BEE NEWS CREW: - We're going live! BARRY: (Through radio on TV) ...The way we work may be a mystery to you. : Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. : But let me tell you about a small job. : If you do it well, it makes a big difference. : More than we realized. To us, to everyone. : That's why I want to get bees back to working together. : That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. : We get behind a fellow. : - Black and yellow! BEES: - Hello! (The scene switches and Barry is teaching Vanessa how to fly) BARRY:
Left, right, down, hover. VANESSA: - Hover? BARRY: - Forget hover. VANESSA: This isn't so hard. (Pretending to honk the horn) Beep-beep! Beep-beep! (A Lightning bolt hits the plane and autopilot turns off) Barry, what happened?! BARRY: Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. VANESSA: - That may have been helping me. BARRY: - And now we're not! VANESSA: So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. (The plane plummets but we see Lou Lu Duva and the Pollen Jocks, along with multiple other bees flying towards the plane) Lou Lu DUva: All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! : Move out! (The scene switches back to Vanessa and Barry in the plane) BARRY: Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! (Barry sticks out his arms like an airplane and flys in front of Vanessa's face)
VANESSA: Don't have to yell. BARRY: I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. VANESSA: It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! BARRY: It's not a tone. I'm panicking! VANESSA: I can't do this! (Barry slaps Vanessa) BARRY: Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! VANESSA: (Slaps Barry) You snap out of it. BARRY: (Slaps Vanessa) : You snap out of it. VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! (We see that all the Pollen Jocks are flying under the plane) VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it!
VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! VANESSA: - Hold it! BARRY: - Why? Come on, it's my turn. VANESSA: How is the plane flying? (The plane is now safely flying) VANESSA: I don't know. (Barry's antennae rings like a phone. Barry picks up) BARRY: Hello? LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? (All of the Pollen Jocks are carrying the plane) BARRY: The Pollen Jocks! : They do get behind a fellow. LOU LU DUVA: - Black and yellow. POLLEN JOCKS: - Hello. LOU LU DUVA: All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop. BARRY: Where? I can't see anything. Can you? VANESSA: No, nothing. It's all cloudy. : Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. BARRY: - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. (On the runway there are millions of bees laying on their backs) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. VANESSA: - What? BARRY: - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. : Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. : Bring the nose down. BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! CONTROL TOWER OPERATOR: - What in the world is on the tarmac? BUD: - Get some lights on that!
(It is revealed that all the bees are organized into a giant pulsating flower formation) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: - Vanessa, aim for the flower. VANESSA: - OK. BARRY: Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? LOU LU DUVA: Affirmative! BARRY: Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. : Land on that flower! : Ready? Full reverse! : Spin it around! (The plane's nose is pointed at a flower painted on a nearby plane) - Not that flower! The other one! VANESSA: - Which one? BARRY: - That flower. (The plane is now pointed at a fat guy in a flowered shirt. He freaks out and tries to take a picture of the plane) VANESSA: - I'm aiming at the flower!
BARRY: That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! (The plane hovers over the bee-flower) : Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. : Rotate around it. VANESSA: - This is insane, Barry! BARRY: - This's the only way I know how to fly. BUD: Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? (The plane is unrealistically hovering and spinning over the bee-flower) BARRY: Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! : Just drop it. Be a part of it. : Aim for the center! : Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! : Come on, already. (The bees scatter and the plane safely lands) VANESSA: Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!
BARRY: - Yes! (Vanessa is about to high-five Barry) No high-five! VANESSA: - Right. ADAM: Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? BARRY: What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! ADAM: - Thank you. BARRY: - But we're not done yet. : Listen, everyone! : This runway is covered with the last pollen : from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. : That means this is our last chance. : We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. : If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?
: Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? BEES: We're bees! BEE WHO LIKES KEYCHAINS: Keychain! BARRY: Then follow me! Except Keychain. POLLEN JOCK #1: Hold on, Barry. Here. : You've earned this. BARRY: Yeah! : I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. (The Pollen Jocks throw Barry a nectar-collecting gun. Barry catches it) Oh, yeah. JANET: That's our Barry. (Barry and the Pollen Jocks get pollen from the flowers on the plane) (Flash forward in time and the Pollen Jocks are flying over NYC) : (Barry pollinates the flowers in Vanessa's shop and then heads to Central Park) BOY IN PARK: Mom! The bees are back! ADAM: (Putting on his Krelman hat) If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time. : I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! (The bee honey factories are back up and running) (Meanwhile at Vanessa's shop) VANESSA: (To customer) Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? : Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. (There is a room in the shop where Barry does legal work for other animals. He is currently talking with a Cow) COW: Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! : Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! BARRY: I had no idea. VANESSA: Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? BARRY: Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. MOOSEBLOOD: Sorry I'm late. COW: He's a lawyer too?
MOOSEBLOOD: Ma'am, I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. VANESSA: Have a great afternoon! : Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. BARRY: No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. VANESSA: You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? BARRY: All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. VANESSA: Thank you, Barry! (Ken walks by on the sidewalk and sees the "bee-approved honey" in Vanessa's shop) KEN: That bee is living my life!! ANDY: Let it go, Kenny. KEN: - When will this nightmare end?! ANDY: - Let it all go. BARRY: - Beautiful day to fly. POLLEN JOCK:
submitted by sandwich_with_a_hat to bees [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 00:15 deeneeli the best tierlist and if you disagree about anything you're wrong!!

the best tierlist and if you disagree about anything you're wrong!! submitted by deeneeli to thesmiths [link] [comments]

2023.06.08 21:25 Overall_Captain3780 Tierlist ("ask" got cutout on the top right)

Tierlist ( submitted by Overall_Captain3780 to thesmiths [link] [comments]

2023.06.08 20:58 I-am-just-me83 AITA for changing my grandpa's obituary during the funeral?

I, 38 F, recently lost my grandpa. (Don't be sad, he was 86 and one day just woke up in Heaven.) My grandma had already passed 9 years ago.
The best way to understand this situation is to explain our family dynamics. My grandma was actually my step- grandma, although we never used those terms. There was never 'step' anything. I'll only use the term to explain my plight. My (bio) grandpa had 4 daughters & 9 grandchildren. My (step) grandma had 2 sons, 1 daughter, & 3 grandchildren. As I said, there was never a separation of anything. My grandparents were married for 40 years before my grandma's passing. We were all just one big family.
Now flash back to grandma's passing. Her obituary read more or less as above. All of her children and grandchildren listed as such. Not a mention of step family.
Now back to grandpa's passing. He passed away and my mom and aunts made the plans for the funeral, including writing the obituary. It was posted online to the funeral home website immediately. The first thing I noticed was there was no mention of anyone but my grandma from that half of the family. It was as if my grandma came into the family as a single, childless woman. I called my mom and said I saw the post and it seemed incomplete. She said it was done as it was supposed to be. I asked if grandpa had ever said he didn't want them mentioned. She said again that's how it's supposed to be. I was shocked. Soon messages started coming to me from my cousin's, both bio & step asking why all those family members were left out. I didn't know how to reply.
Two days later we all were at the funeral. My mom pulled me aside and asked that I read the obituary out loud during the funeral. I said sure. I only had a few minutes to prepare but I grabbed a pen and jotted down notes on my copy. I got up to read it and I inserted all the names that has been skipped. As I was reading I glanced around the room. Tears and appreciative nods came from my (step) family. Harsh looks and daggers came from my mom and aunts. After the funeral I was bombarded by thank yous from my step family. All I got from my mom and aunts was "How could you?" & "How dare you?" I simply said I did what I felt grandpa would have wanted and left it at that.
Now it's been a few weeks and my aunt's are still pissed and haven't said a word to me. My mom has maintained a bit of contact, but each time makes sure I know that I was totally out of line for disrespecting my grandpa like that. I told her I was going to need an explanation as to why they felt it was wrong. I have never gotten anything.
So, now I ask. Since you all have all the information I do, am I the asshole for changing my grandpa's obituary during the funeral?
***Update** As it seems these are the commonly asked questions, I'll clear these up. I really don't think the issue stems around money. My grandparents had money set aside for their funerals so no one was out anything making the preparations. As far as inheritance goes everything had already been decided upon by my grandparents. The life insurance policies and the pension payouts were to be split equally. The other question is whether there was infidelity that got my grandparents together. The answer is no. I actually have no idea what happened to my grandma's first husband. I think he passed but I don't really know for sure on that. I do know that he was far out of the picture before she ever met my grandpa. My bio grandmother was a drug addict that my grandpa divorced when the girls were ages 10-16. So they were very aware of the situations that led to being raised by my grandpa. In that situation no one misses their mother. The only children that lived at home after my grandparents got married were my two youngest aunts and they were age 16 and 17. All of the rest of the children were adults and out on their own.
submitted by I-am-just-me83 to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]

2023.06.08 17:47 Slight-Blueberry-895 Stormworks wishlist

  1. Logic system overhaul/improvements. Current system is tedious and a pain to do, even for relatively small builds. Even just having the ability to filter out logic points that are already connected would greatly improve the system across the board, ideally an advanced filter system would be added, such as creating groups, filtering parts, etc. The need to not only use but also create microcontrollers for instrument panels feels excessive and unnecessary. Simplifying panels, or giving the option of a simplified instrument panel that does not need to use a microcontroller, would go far in decreasing the games barrier to entry.
  2. Built in GPS maps. The fact that this game does not have a built in GPS map, like those tom tom gps map things you see on older cars is absurd when career mode’s map doesn’t show where you are on the map. And before anyone says that it’s “realistic”, if fishing boats in the Bering Sea can have a GPS map during rough weather, I see no reason why a SAR vehicle wouldn’t have such basic equipment. The current career mode’s starter boat is kinda useless at the starting base for this reason, there aren’t many landmarks out in the ocean, and I shouldn’t have to use the workshop just to make the base boat functional.
  3. Radio console. A simple premade radio console with knobs and such would also be nice and simplify a decent amount of logic.
  4. Custom window, wedge, and pyramid dimensions and/or more of these blocks in general, and make them more customizable (ie changing the windows color to green or putting designs on wedges and pyramids)
  5. Small boats keep water out, don’t need a closed volume to be buoyant
  6. Sails
  7. 18th century weaponry
  8. Life rafts
  9. Emergency inflatable slides (for planes)
  10. Gliding
  11. Oars
  12. Premade vehicles for every basic need you have in game. There should be basic, cheap, premade cars/trucks, boats, etc that can fulfill most of everything you would need to do in game. Nothing particularly fancy, just simple builds that can easily supplanted by custom creations that can serve as references for your own builds or be stopgap measures until you build replacements.
  13. Search and Recovery. Unfortunately, not every SAR operation is successful. Missions about recovering remains would be nice and can add a decent bit of variety. For example, maybe a hiker found a body in a hard to reach place in the mountains, and because of that an offroad vehicle or aircraft is needed to get there, diving on a wreck to recover remains, or recovering a car from a lake. Other missions could also be diving for investigation critical components, such as black boxes or voyage data recorders, or even specific components that investigators want to find.
  14. More in depth rescue/injury mechanics. Stuff like sprained ankles, injuries, pregnancy status, health conditions, etc, requiring different things to heal/stabilize. This would also add a sense of urgency to each SAR mission, as now you can’t solve/delay everything by throwing a first aid kit at it. Maybe the local hospital doesn’t have the facilities to treat a time sensitive, so you have to transport the patient to a bigger hospital. Dealing with things like hyperthermia would also be nice.
  15. Boat materials (wood/metal/polymer)
  16. Amenities and furniture in general.
  17. Logging industry
  18. Fishing industry
  19. Debris
  20. Other SAR teams/companies to have a presence in the world and are able to be called upon if needed.
  21. Nuclear reactor disaster
  22. More variety and depth for SAR missions, such as an aircraft ditching in the harbor, an aircraft going missing and having to search for it, recovering lifeboats, a nuclear powered ship sinking and having to deal with the radiation, chemical tankers releasing toxic chemicals into the water, sinking an adrift vessel, stopping an illegal salvage operation etc. A cool idea would be to add in the possibility for major accidents to happen, such as a cruise ship capsizing, a nuclear powered ship sinking, or a military aircraft armed with a nuclear warhead being lost over the ocean. Another cool idea would be to add interviews with accident investigation teams after some accidents, such as when a ship sinks because of poor maintenance about what you saw. Obviously, the interviews should only occur for more major accidents and when the player could actually have relevant information. There could also be complications for missions, such as the ship still moving and unable to be stopped, the whole crew is incapacitated, etc.
  23. In the same vein as no 22, an overhaul of Search And Destroy as it pertains to the overworld would also be nice. Instead of simply having an AI that fights the player, how about having 2 major factions that fight each other, the local military and an invading military, with the option of creating your own faction to take over the islands. This would differ from the previous system by making it so that you would complete orders issued to you, such as patrolling a specific area, engaging a fleet, mining or demining a waterway, etc. At first, you start out doing gruntwork, but as you move up in rank the more you can do, such as sending grunts to do the gruntwork for you. You could also give the option for the player to make their own faction Another thing that could be added are pirates and pirate gameplay. SAD could also add in new missions and disasters, such as disarming mines from the second world war, serial killers, hijacking attempts, a fire at a munitions dump, etc. You can have a lot of fun in regards to disasters and special missions too, such as cleaning up a munitions dumping ground (like what the Norwegian military did, dumping thousands of tons of munitions into a river) or a sunken supply ship detonating (like that one off the coast of England) and dealing with the after effects of that.
  24. Hiring AI to do things for you, such as a doctor to administer medical assistance to survivors, a captain to drive a boat, SAR divers to recover people from the sea for you, etc.
  25. Passenger playstyle. Ferrying passengers around feels like a logical next step in the game, with factors such as reliability, how fast you can get to destinations, feats (ie having the fastest passenger ferry in the world even if it does not operate at that speed regularly or having the biggest ferry, etc), price per ticket, amenities(free or paid movie theatre, comfy seats, concession stands, is the interior a comfortable temperature, is there a barbershop and if so is it any good, etc) and necessities (do you have enough seats, is there a bathroom, do you have enough life preservers, if it’s overnight, do you have any beds etc). Options to run excursions with famous or historic ships, simple cruises/excursions to places around the islands would be nice too.
  26. Expansion of delivery and miner playstyles. Expansion of these playstyles, such as hiring AI to do parts of the job, either as employees or contracting out another company to, say, transport coal from your mine to the powerplant would go a long way to fleshing out these playstyles. You can even have the option to do smuggling runs of illegal or illicit goods. Smaller deliveries that can be handled with a van, or doing mail runs would be cool as well as oversized delivery missions. Increasing the variety of cargo to transport, such as transporting locomotives and/or cars for export would be cool.
  27. Terminal loading cranes.
  28. A R&D mode which would allow for quick and easy analysis of a creation where you get raw numbers on a ship’s current tilt, balance, engine performance, etc with the ability to easily change the weather and conditions of the environment and easily switch to build mode.
  29. Shipwrights. The idea here would be to overhaul building mechanics as it relates to career mode. Instead of being able to instantly build everything, how you can modify your vessel is limited to what your facilities can do. To get a brand-new ship, you would have to commission it from a shipwright. Before commission, you would have access to R&D mode to fully test out the vessal. Where the fun part really begins is that you can have an entire playstyle built around receiving commissions for ships by the AI (or even other players) for a desired vessel within x specifications at a cost of x amount for x amount of vessels within x timeframe with a bedroom made out of 50% windows at a height of x feet, or even upgrade/modify preexisting vessels as part of a commission or to flip on the market, buying older vessels of varying states and giving them a new lease on life. How many ships you can produce at a given time would depend on your facilities, which can be upgraded. Of course, there would be aircraft and land vehicle equivalents. You can even see the ships you produced doing their job in the world.
  30. Salvaging. Another playstyle that I feel would be a next step for Stormworks would be salvaging vessels either for scrap, refurbish them for resale, restoration into a museum piece, or simply to clear a waterway. You could even give the option to illegally salvage shipwrecks.
  31. Survey missions
  32. Survival suits
  33. Crabbing
  34. Flooding disaster
  35. Hurricane and super storm disasters
  36. Air conditioning
  37. Other ships coming to assist vessels in distress.
  38. Tropical islands
  39. Blimps, zepplins, and hot air balloons.
  40. Naming vehicles
  41. Rogue waves
  42. Supernatural phenomenon. My idea for this is that you would have two categories of phenomenon, explicable and inexplicable. Explicable phenomena would be phenomena that have scientific explanations for them, things such as ghost lights with scientific explanations behind them, maybe have some missions where you disprove the supernatural. Having everything be explicable, however, can be underwhelming so actual supernatural phenomena, such as fleshgaits (especially with SAR being the core theme of Stormworks), ghost ships, or alien encounters, especially if mechanics, such as SAR, are incorporated in it. Like, imagine a seemingly normal SAR mission turning out to be the rescue of aliens from a crashed spaceship and you have to transport them to a drop off point where the MiB is waiting, or a mission where you first set out to debunk the supernatural to then be assailed by the flying dutchman.
  43. More doors, buttons, ladders, stairs and hatches (ie: a traditional house door, car doors, glass hatches, etc)
  44. Panels that can be used as signs or “hatches” for otherwise external equipment (ie in order to access a fire extinguisher you have to open a hatch first, im sure there is a better word for it but I can’t think of it)
  45. Moonpools
  46. Pools
  47. More buildable/modifiable properties, especially for terminals. Could be expanded with the ability to flip properties.
  48. Races
  49. Competing manufacturers of equipment and engines that have varying strengths and weaknesses that improve as time goes. This would also make the game more accessible by giving new players the ability to easily access better engines while also rewarding those who learn how modular engines work by allowing them to jump ahead of the AI. Perhaps a system where you can lease or even produce your own engine designs could be implemented to further reward and encourage using modular engines.
  50. If the game becomes comprehensive enough, the ability to change which era you play in (1700s, 1800s, 1940s, etc) would be a really cool addition by adding in technological challenges of older eras. Additionally, there could be supernatural phenomena that isekai vehicles to and from different time periods, which could add in a whole variety of interesting missions and challenges.
  51. Built-in couplers for trains
  52. Wind having an effect on the player (exiting an aircraft and standing on its wing should result in you being yeeted off the aircraft)
  53. Pressurization
  54. Ingame tutorials like what From The Depths has
  55. A better openworld, NPCs, and RP experiences. The world of Stormworks feels very much dead, which is a shame because that is it’s biggest selling point for me over other building games like simple planes. It gives a reason for all the vehicles being built beyond simply being cool, you can actually DO things with it. I would recommend solving this by:
  56. Create actual population centers. Not huge cities, but small towns dotted across the islands with actual businesses and populations would go a long way to improving the game world, maybe have one or two cities on the island itself so we can do stuff with skyscrapers.
  57. Global traffic of personal, commercial, and government boats, aircrafts and land vehicles would go a long way to making the world feel less empty. Having npcs use a dedicated radio channel for chatter, and which you can interact with them through would be great. This traffic responds to ingame events, for example increased outgoing road traffic when a disaster is about to hit
  58. More realistic roads
  59. Navigation signs, buoys, etc
  60. NPCs operating gas stations, bridges, and industries in general.
  61. Relating to one, make NPCs not only interactable beyond being glorified money bags, but also interact with their environment. Such as trying to move away from fires, calling for help when they see a vehicle, moving towards a stopped SAR vehicle and climbing aboard, getting inside a vehicle of their own volition or swimming to shore when they are literally meters away instead of staying in the water and/or burning boat. Having NPCs interact with the player as well would also be great, such as thanking you for saving their lives, buying the player a beer as thanks if they meet in a bar, etc would be nice. Ideally, there would be a number of persistent npcs who have names, personalities and backstories. Such as Joe, an old sea captain who’s vessel is painted pink in memory of his 6 year old daughter who disappeared, and, if he thinks his vessel is about to sink, will desire to go down with the ship and be resistant to his personal rescue.
  62. Consequences for your actions visible in game. For example, if a casualty becomes a fatality, there is a funeral service held at the graveyard.
  63. NPCs having varying fluencies in English
  64. Missions with storylines attached to them, such as an archaeologist searching for Atlantis, or a group of sailors looking to raise the cargo ship they worked on after it sunk.
  65. Radio music channels
  66. TV channels, can also have a gameplay effect through amenities
  67. Newspaper with an obituary, some fluff news stories, generic articles, state of the economy, ships launched, details regarding the SAR missions you did or didn’t do, in game events, etc.
  68. Unmarked missions, for example lets say Captain Joe’s ship sinks, but Joe survives. Joe is depressed, but if you go out of your way to salvage and repair Joe’s ship and give it back to him he will be happy.
  69. NPC backstories being more then just a text in a box, perhaps a mission leads to you finding Captain Joe’s daughter, alive or dead leading to either a heart warming reunion or somber closure.
  70. News interviews
  71. Points of interest, such as abandoned buildings, natural wonders, historical locations, museums, heritage railroads, businesses etc with lore surrounding them and special missions for that location. For example, lets say there is a hot air balloon tour operation. There would be a few special missions pertaining to hot air balloons in that location. Or for the heritage railroad, their engineer called in sick so they need someone to fill in for the day.
  72. Flavor for missions, for example maybe a family of four reported in the burning boat and watch you put out the fires
  73. NPCs react like real people in the sense of physiological reactions, such as grieving, becoming frozen in shock, mental breakdowns etc.
  74. All disasters have effects (when applicable) in the overworld, such as destroyed homes, ships transported inland, etc. Having missions pertaining to the aftermath, such as removing large debris from roads and tracks to recovering missing persons.
  75. Visual deterioration of abandoned/sunk/crashed vehicles
  76. NPCs may try to take advantage of disasters, such as by robbing people on a sinking ship, looting buildings after a disaster, etc
  77. NPCs may panic and act irrationally when in a disaster, such as taking life jackets away from women and children, releasing lifeboats/liferafts early, etc
  78. Skills and attributes, such as consoling, leadership, physical fitness, bartering, etc
That’s my wishlist for now. I know it’s a lot, and some of it may seem to be a bit much, but I don’t think any single thing is out of the realm of reasonable possibility. The biggest appeal of Stormworks, at least to me, over competitors such as Simpleplanes is that there is a purpose behind what you build. I think that if Stormworks were to expand on RPG elements it would not only greatly elevate the game as is, but also expand the audience while enhancing the core experience.
submitted by Slight-Blueberry-895 to Stormworks [link] [comments]

2023.06.08 14:07 dreftzg [Daily News] Orient Star Is A Skeleton At 1/5 Of The Price Of A Zenith, Bremont Releases Third Watch For The Williams F1 Team, Accutron Spaceview Gets First Major Update And The Vaer G5 Meridian Is A Flier GMT Watch Below The $1,000 Mark

It's Thursday and let's just get straight into it - make sure to check out the Vaer, interested in your thoughts.

What's new

1/
Orient Star Will Sell You A Skeleton Watch At 1/5 Of The Price Of A Zenith
Just the other day I wrote about the Zenith Defy Skyline Skeleton, a wonderful skeletonized watch. It’s modern, it shows off a legendary movement, but it will also set you back a bit over EUR 11,000, which is a lot of money, no matter what budget you are shopping in. What if there was an a more affordable option out there? Maybe it didn’t have the super high end finishing of the Zenith or a legendary movement, but it looked just as cool and cost less than a fifth of the Zenith? Well, say hello to the Orient Star Avant-Garde Skeleton.
Orient started out in the 50s and has been part of the Seiko Epson Corporation since 2009. Orient Star, however, is the higher-end of the brand, which in 2016 shocked the market with a skeletonised model. Orient Star was known for their classical watches, so this was a huge departure. They updated it once in 2022 and are now introducing two new Avant-Garde Skeleton models as part of its Sports Collection with an automatic movement and a 60-hour power reserve.
The two models differ in the case material - you can have them in stainless steel or black plated steel - but they share the case specs. 42.3mm wide and 12.4mm thick, with a water resistance of 100 meters and bezels with hexagonal screws. The steel model has a combination of brushed surfaces with Sallaz mirror finishings (comparable to Grand Seiko’s Zaratsu polishing), adding accents and emphasising the solid metallic feel of the watch and bracelet.
Composed of two layers, the upper and lower plates of the dial are distinguished by different colours and finishings. The upper plate holds the luminous indices that project over the movement, and the lower plate is designed to protect the upper plate from shocks and deformation. Like the earlier model, the dial features a power reserve indicator at noon, a small seconds counter at 6 o’clock and a view of the balance wheel with its silicon escapement. The hour and minute hands are wider, sportier, and treated with luminous material.
Powering the Orient Star Avant-Garde Skeleton is the automatic, in-house calibre F8F64. Decorated with Geneva stripes, the partially openworked base plate reveals the bright blue silicon escapement peeking out just to the left of the small seconds and it’s rated at +15/-5 seconds per day, with a 60-hour power reserve. The stainless steel model comes with a steel bracelet; the black-coated steel watch on a black Cordura Ballistic nylon strap.
The retail price is EUR 2,000. Looking at photos of the watch, I’m not sure it lives up to that price. I would love to handle one live. However, this looks close enough to the Zenith, which is EUR 11,000+.
2/
Saint Laurent Redesigns The Cult Girard-Perregaux Digital Quartz Watch, Gives It Black Ceramic And PVD Titanium
While Girard-Perregaux is most known for their higher end Swiss mechanical watches, at one time they were pioneers in the era of digital watch. Back in 1971, it made waves with the Caliber GP-350, a quartz movement that set the universal market standard for frequency. Following that was the Caliber 395 and that’s the movement that GP put in the Casquette, an unusual watch even at the time - it was a black geometric hunk on your wrist that displayed the time at the push of a button on a tiny screen on the front facing side of the watch.
The Casquete came in three materials, Makrolon (which was a black composite), stainless steel and gold plated. It was only made for two years - 1976 and 1978 - and during that time 8,200 pieces were made. The original is still a desired item among collectors, which GP recognized and did a recreation of the watch last year. While remaining fully retro, the reissue is powered by the vastly more efficient GP-03980 that displays hours, minutes, seconds, the day and the date, the month, the year, a chronograph, a second time zone, and a secret date.
Now, there’s a new version of the Casquete, one redesigned by Saint Laurent Creative Director Anthony Vaccarello for the Saint Laurent Rive Droite line. Vaccarello gives the watch a radical upgrade in materials, as the case is now made out of black ceramic and black PVD-treated grade 5 titanium. It’s sleek, it’s retro, chunky and dramatic, all the things Vaccarello is known for.
The watch is released under the Rive Droite imprint, a series of objects that are sold exclusively in two stores located in Paris and LA. This means that it will also be available exclusively at Saint Laurent Rive Droite stores in Paris and Los Angeles, as well as online via the official Saint Laurent Rive Droite store, in selected countries only. That, combined with the fact that this will be a limited edition of only 100 pieces, means you aren’t very likely to see one in the flesh. Which isn’t that much of a shame because I’m not sure it would be easy to justify the $6,700 price tag.
3/
Bremont Releases Their Third Limited Watch For The Williams F1 Team
Formula 1 racing is an incredibly expensive sport. It was, at least, until 2021 when the organization implemented a budget cap of about $135 million. It’s still expensive, yes, but before the cap teams were known to spend up to half a billion dollars per year to push as hard as possible to win championships. The money for this endeavour comes from Formula 1, the organization, but this is just a small amount distributed to every team. The rest has to be raised from sponsors, and raising $135 million from sponsors is not easy.
Because of the high costs of the sport, the sponsorships are equally as high. It is estimated that the cheapest sponsorship is $1 million per year, an ammount that doesn’t get you a lot - surely doesn’t get you a sticker on the car, and it’s rumoured that Rolex is paying up to $50 million to be the official timing partner of the organization. So, I was pretty shocked three years ago to see that Bremont, the independent British watchmaker, sponsored Williams, the legendary British racing team, to a tune high enough to get a prominent sticker on the car. I had no idea Bremont was doing that good. Good on them.
To mark this sponsorship, Bremont has already created two limited edition watches and is just now releasing the third. Since both companies are very British, it’s no surprise that they are doing so just a month before the British Grand Prix at Silverstone. It’s the Bremont WR-45, a limited-edition chronograph that is inspired by this year’s Williams Racing F1 car, the FW-45.
The watch has Bremont’s signature three-piece “Trip-Tick” construction, it’s made from stainless steel with a black DLC finish and measures 43mm in diameter by 16mm-thick, with 22mm lugs and an overall lug-to-lug profile of 50mm. Despite the fact that the crown and pushers that operate the chronograph don’t screw down, it has a 100 meter water resistance. Unlike previous Bremont Williams Racing watches, the dial fitted to the new WR-45 is black to match its case, and it has a tri-compax configuration and a date window within the 6 o’clock sub dial. The white register at 9 o’clock features a light blue hand and serves as a running seconds indicator for the time, while the other two sub-dials are fitted with white-finished hands. Additionally, the hours counter features a thin three-color ring in light blue, dark blue, and white surrounding its perimeter, and this serves as a subtle nod to the official colors of the Williams Racing F1 team.
Inside the watch is the brand’s Caliber BE-53AV automatic chronograph movement based on the proven ETA/Valjoux 7753. It has a frequency of 28,800vph (4 Hz) while offering users a power reserve of approximately 56 hours, while the rotor has been skeletonized to look like the wheels of the Williams F1 car. The watch comes on a black two-piece alcantara strap.
This will be a limited edition of 244 pieces and every watch is accompanied with a genuine wheel nut taken from one of the Williams Racing cars. It’s priced at $6,595.
4/
The Accutron Spaceview Gets First Major Update With Spaceview Evolution, But Keeps The Very Cool Electrostatic Movement
Accutron is one of the most familiar names in watchmaking. This Bulova model participated in the space race and was, reportedly, narrowly pushed out by the Omega Speedmaster to be the official NASA watch that will be worn on the moon, but the Bulova Accutron remained a beloved watch by many astronauts and was used in space. That’s why it was a bit puzzling when Bulova in 2020 decided to spin of the Accutron into its own brand. But the puzzle was put aside when Accutron introduced the gorgeous Spaceview 2020 with an open-worked dial and inspired by the original 1960s Spaceview. Now Accutron is introducing two new models called Evolution that do exactly that - evolve the Spaceview.
Just like the 2020 model, the Spaceview Evolution watches are housed in a 43.5mm polished stainless steel case that is 15.9mm thick. Where it differs from the previous model is in the movement. Not the movement they use, but rather the orientation of the movement - the entire thing is shifter 30 degrees, moving the crown to 2 o’clock, giving the watch a completely new look.
Accutron currently offers two versions of the Spaceview Evolution timepiece. One with a smoke-gray open dial, darkened metal outer ring, silver-toned hands, and a matte-black alligator strap. The other also includes a smoke-gray open dial paired with a silver-toned outer ring, metallic blue hands, and a shiny blue alligator strap. Both straps are genuine American alligator and are finished with double-press deployant clasps.
Inside the Spaceview Evolution watches is Accutron’s proprietary electrostatic energy movement. Essentially, the movement is home to twin turbines that rotate at rapid speeds with the motion of your wrist. Those turbines are located between two electrodes, which serve to capture the electrostatic energy created by the turbines and send them to an accumulator. The stored energy in the accumulator then powers two motors: an electrostatic motor (a world’s first) that drives the gliding seconds hand and a step motor that drives the hour and minute hands. The duo of motors are synchronized via integrated circuits and provide an accuracy rating of +/- 5 seconds a month.
The movement also has a power-saving mode, which kicks into gear after five minutes of inactivity with the second hand automatically halting at 12 o’clock. Although the seconds hand stays in place, the watch will continue to keep time as the hour and minute hands continue to move. To stop the power-saving mode and reactivate the seconds hand, you simply have to swing your arm up and down for about five seconds.
The Accutron Spaceview Evolution watches are priced at $3,950 and are available immediately for purchase.
5/
The New Vaer G5 Meridian Is A Flier GMT Watch Well Below The $1,000 Mark
At the moment, my favorite GMT movement is a highly modified Miyota 9015 which the microbrand Arken calls the ARK-9015DT and uses in their Alterum. It’s a crazy movement that works unlike any other GMT movment. Rotating the hands clockwise moves the entire handset, including the GMT hand, as well as both AM/PM indicator discs. However, moving the handset in the opposite direction will lock the GMT hand and its corresponding AM/PM indicator (left of the dial) allowing you to set the time difference between your local and home times. This means you can set the minutes to any time and just rotate the hour hand.
Other than that movement and, obviously, in house ones, there seems to be a consensus that it’s hard to beat the recently introduced Miyota Cal. 9075 movement which is an affordable option for those who want a “flier” or “true” GMT, which allows for an independently adjustable local 12-hour hand. And this exactly has been a request from millions of collectors and watch enthusiasts. The movement also allows microbrands like the LA based Vaer to slap these movements into watches that look great and are really affordable.
Vaer’s most recent watch is the G5 Meridian GMT and it’s an intresting proposition. At first glance, the G5 looks identical to their G7. That could be because it comes in a 39mm stainless case without a crown guard and 200 meter water resistance or the fact that they come in pretty much the same four colors - two models with black dials and either red/blue or black/blue bezels, along with an all-black PVD variant, plus a third stainless steel option that is fitted with both a green dial and a green bezel. However, while Vaer’s G7 GMT is a Swiss-made timepiece powered by the Sellita SW330-2 and priced just above the thousand-dollar mark, the Vaer G5 Meridian GMT is an American-assembled version that runs on the Japanese Miyota 9075.
The watch comes on two different straps or bracelets that connect to the 20mm lugs with integrated quick-release springbars. Since the G5 GMT was designed to be used in the water, a black FKM rubber tropic strap is the standard included configuration, as it is the most water-friendly option available for the model. For the secondary strap/bracelet option, buyers have the option of either a simple NATO or a nylon single pass strap — or opting for one of the premium leather straps or stainless steel bracelets in Oyster and Jubillee designs.
The official price of the Vaer G5 Meridian GMT is $799 or $849 if you opt for one of the premium strap/bracelet options. That’s a fantastic price that gives you more functionality for a traveler.
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On hand - a selection of reviews

1/
Review Of The ProTek Series 1010, The Official Watch Of The United States Marine Corps
2/
Hands-on With The The Delma Shell Star Titanium That Sheds Both Size And Weight
3/
In-Depth Reveiw of The Horage Lensman 2 Exposure — A Watch With A Photographic Cheat Sheet
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Watch Worthy - A look at an offbeat, less known watch you might actually like

The RZE Aspirare launches the brand into yet unexplored waters
Up until now, RZE have been quite conscious of their case sizes pleasing the majority of modern collectors who prefer conservative diameters. Their largest watch was the now-discontinued RZE Valour Chronograph at 42mm, with the sold-out Fortitude coming in second at 41mm. The new RZE Aspirare is bullish with its 44mm diameter, and untamed with a 53mm lug-to-lug that will absolutely demand some bravery to wear if you don’t have large wrists. Although the RZE philosophy has catered to the adventurous, the Aspirare is designed to be their most rugged project yet.
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People loved the Seiko Alpinist giveaway! That's why I'm doing a new one. This time, we're giving away four Hamilton Khaki Field Automatics in a color of your choice. Head on over to the newsletter if you would like to enter.
If you would like to receive some additional watch-adjacent content, as well as this news overview, every morning Monday-Friday in the form of a newsletter feel free to subscribe. However, there is absolutely no need for you to subscribe, as all the news from the newsletter is posted here. It is only if you want to receive a couple of daily links that are not strictly watch-related and want to get this news overview in your inbox.
submitted by dreftzg to Watches [link] [comments]

2023.06.08 03:05 TheDuzzyFuckling A Breakdown of the Splash Hits at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T/Oracle Park

A Breakdown of the Splash Hits at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T/Oracle Park
On Friday, June 2nd, 2023, Giants' first baseman Lamonte Wade, Jr. smoked the opening pitch of the game into McCovey Cove to take a 1-0 lead over the visiting Orioles. The historic home run was the 100th round tripper hit into the water by a Giants player since the best stadium in baseball (sorry Pittsburgh) opened in the year 2000.
While I found helpful data sources on MLB.com and Baseball Almanac, I wanted to dig a little deeper into Splash Hit data by both the Giants and opposing teams, specifically because I knew Barry Bonds had the most waterballs, but I had NO idea who was #2. Let me throw some fun facts at you first - these will be great trivia questions for the other, more offline baseball fans in your life.

Splash Hit Fun Facts

  • While Giants players have now combined for 100 Splash Hits, all other opposing teams have combined for 55
  • Joc Pederson and Ryan Klesko are the only two players to have Splash Hits as members of the Giants and another team - the Dodgers and Cubs for Joc, and the Padres for Klesko
  • Including Joc, four players have hit more than one Splash Hit as members of more than one other organization - the others are Adam Laroche with the Diamondbacks and Pirates, Bryce Harper with the Nats and Phillies, and Carlos Delgado with the Mets and Marlins
  • The Diamondbacks are the opposing team that has hit the most Splash Hits with 8
  • No player on the Guardians, Tigers, Royals, Twins, Orioles, Yankees, Rays, Blue Jays, A's, or Mariners has hit one yet, mostly due to limited appearances in San Francisco (not the A's though, they just suck)
  • Tim Lincecum is the Giants pitcher who has given up the most opposing Splash Hits with 5, and ten other pitchers are tied for second with two
  • Barry Bonds hit the first Giants Splash Hit on 5/1/2000, while Todd Hundley of the Angels was the first opponent to hit one two months later on 6/30/2000
  • No right-handed hitter has ever clubbed a Splash Hit, although Buster Posey came close a few times
  • EXTREMELY GOOD TRIVIA QUESTION ALERT: Who was the second Giant after Bonds to hit one into the cove? Utilityman Felipe Crespo, who bounced around the league for five years, amassing ten career home runs... 20% wet dongs isn't bad.

Splash Hits by Giants Player

Here is the graph showing the top thirteen Splash Hit bombers for the Giants. No surprise that Barry Bonds is alone at the top (and will probably stay there until we get Ohtani next season).
Take a shot if you thought you'd see Aubrey Huff in this post.
I was pretty surprised that Brandon Belt was #2, considering that he never achieved the power numbers it seemed like he could. Regardless, hitting almost one Splash Hit per year as a Giant was enough to get him there. It's great to see current players Yaz, Lamonte, and Joc moving up each season, and I think Joc will take #2 from Belt if he stays a few more years.

Data

Giants Splash Hits
Splash Hit Batter Date Pitcher
1 Barry Bonds 5/1/2000 Rich Rodriguez
2 Barry Bonds 5/10/2000 Andy Benes
3 Barry Bonds 5/10/2000 Heathcliff Slocumb
4 Barry Bonds 5/24/2000 Mike Thurman
5 Barry Bonds 7/19/2000 Brian Meadows
6 Barry Bonds 9/20/2000 Steve Parris
7 Barry Bonds 4/17/2001 Terry Adams
8 Barry Bonds 4/18/2001 Chan Ho Park
9 Barry Bonds 5/24/2001 John Thomson
10 Felipe Crespo 5/28/2001 Bret Prinz
11 Barry Bonds 5/30/2001 Robert Ellis
12 Barry Bonds 6/12/2001 Pat Rapp
13 Felipe Crespo 7/28/2001 Curtis Leskanic
14 Barry Bonds 8/4/2001 Nelson Figueroa
15 Barry Bonds 8/14/2001 Ricky Bones
16 Barry Bonds 8/31/2001 John Thomson
17 Barry Bonds 9/29/2001 Chuck McElroy
18 Barry Bonds 5/13/2002 Kevin Millwood
19 Barry Bonds 5/18/2002 Brad Penny
20 Barry Bonds 5/18/2002 Vic Darensbourg
21 Barry Bonds 9/8/2002 Brian Anderson
22 Barry Bonds 9/28/2002 Jeriome Robertson
23 Barry Bonds 10/12/2002 Chuck Finley
24 Barry Bonds 4/14/2003 Wade Miller
25 Barry Bonds 4/30/2003 Matt Clement
26 J.T. Snow 6/5/2003 Kyle Lohse
27 Barry Bonds 6/27/2003 Ted Lilly
28 Jose Cruz, Jr. 7/8/2003 Dan Haren
29 Barry Bonds 8/8/2003 Jose Mesa
30 Barry Bonds 8/19/2003 Ray King
31 Barry Bonds 9/13/2003 Doug Davis
32 Barry Bonds 4/12/2004 Matt Kinney
33 Barry Bonds 4/13/2004 Ben Ford
34 Michael Tucker 5/30/2004 Joe Kennedy
35 A.J. Pierzynski 7/6/2004 Denny Stark
36 Barry Bonds 7/30/2004 Chris Carpenter
37 Barry Bonds 8/3/2004 Cory Lidle
38 Michael Tucker 4/9/2005 Scott Dohmann
39 Randy Winn 9/14/2005 Woody Williams
40 Barry Bonds 9/18/2005 Hong-Chih Kuo
41 Barry Bonds 8/21/2006 Livan Hernandez
42 Barry Bonds 4/18/2007 Ryan Franklin
43 Ryan Klesko 5/21/2007 Trever Miller
44 Ryan Klesko 6/29/2007 Livan Hernandez
45 Barry Bonds 8/8/2007 Tim Redding
46 Fred Lewis 4/26/2008 Matt Belisle
47 John Bowker 7/2/2008 Ryan Dempster
48 Andres Torres 6/15/2009 John Lackey
49 Pablo Sandoval 7/30/2009 Rodrigo Lopez
50 Pablo Sandoval 8/29/2009 Jason Marquis
51 Aubrey Huff 5/1/2010 Rafael Betancourt
52 Aubrey Huff 6/16/2010 Jeremy Guthrie
53 Andres Torres 7/28/2010 Jorge Sosa
54 Pablo Sandoval 8/12/2010 Randy Wells
55 Pablo Sandoval 9/30/2010 Barry Enright
56 Pablo Sandoval 7/4/2011 Ernesto Frieri
57 Nate Schierholtz 7/8/2011 R.A. Dickey
58 Pablo Sandoval 8/31/2011 Rodrigo Lopez
59 Carlos Beltran 9/14/2011 Mat Latos
60 Brandon Belt 9/27/2011 Alex White
61 Brandon Belt 6/14/2012 Wandy Rodriguez
62 Brandon Belt 9/4/2012 Ian Kennedy
63 Pablo Sandoval 5/12/2013 Kris Medlen
64 Brandon Crawford 4/13/2014 Rex Brothers
65 Tyler Colvin 5/12/2014 Gavin Floyd
66 Brandon Crawford 5/14/2014 David Carpenter
67 Travis Ishikawa 9/12/2014 Kevin Correia
68 Brandon Belt 9/25/2014 Andrew Cashner
69 Brandon Belt 6/8/2016 David Price
70 Denard Span 6/13/2016 Chase Anderson
71 Denard Span 8/20/2016 Bartolo Colon
72 Brandon Belt 5/13/2017 Lisalverto Bonilla
73 Brandon Belt 6/10/2017 Jose Berrios
74 Denard Span 7/7/2017 Dan Straily
75 Denard Span 7/19/2017 Carlos Carrasco
76 Denard Span 9/11/2017 Kenta Maeda
77 Pablo Sandoval 4/4/2018 Felix Hernandez
78 Brandon Belt 5/15/2018 Tyler Mahle
79 Stephen Vogt 8/9/2019 Drew Smyly
80 Scooter Gennett 8/11/2019 Jake Arrieta
81 Brandon Belt 8/29/2019 Chris Paddack
82 Mike Yastrzemski 7/29/2020 Matt Strahm
83 Mike Yastrzemski 9/25/2020 Chris Paddack
84 Mike Yastrzemski 4/24/2021 Yimi Garcia
85 Brandon Crawford 4/27/2021 Daniel Bard
86 Steven Duggar 6/15/2021 Alex Young
87 Mike Yastrzemski 6/15/2021 Humberto Castellanos
88 Brandon Belt 6/19/2021 Aaron Nola
89 LaMonte Wade, Jr. 7/31/2021 Zack Greinke
90 Alex Dickerson 8/11/2021 Tyler Clippard
91 LaMonte Wade, Jr. 9/17/2021 Ian Anderson
92 Jason Vosler 4/30/2022 Erasmo Ramírez
93 Mike Yastrzemski 5/8/2022 Génesis Cabrera
94 Joc Pederson 5/24/2022 Drew Smith
95 LaMonte Wade, Jr. 7/17/2022 Jason Alexander
96 Joc Pederson 8/30/2022 Nick Martinez
97 Joc Pederson 9/2/2022 Kyle Gibson
98 LaMonte Wade, Jr. 4/8/2023 Brady Singe
99 Brandon Crawford 4/22/2023 David Peterson
100 LaMonte Wade, Jr. 6/2/2023 Dean Kremer
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Count of Giants Splash Hits by Player
Batter Count
Barry Bonds 35
Brandon Belt 10
Pablo Sandoval 8
Denard Span 5
Mike Yastrzemski 5
LaMonte Wade, Jr. 5
Brandon Crawford 4
Joc Pederson 3
Felipe Crespo 2
Michael Tucker 2
Ryan Klesko 2
Andres Torres 2
Aubrey Huff 2
J.T. Snow 1
Jose Cruz, Jr. 1
A.J. Pierzynski 1
Randy Winn 1
Fred Lewis 1
John Bowker 1
Nate Schierholtz 1
Carlos Beltran 1
Tyler Colvin 1
Travis Ishikawa 1
Stephen Vogt 1
Scooter Gennett 1
Steven Duggar 1
Alex Dickerson 1
Jason Vosler 1
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Count of Splash Hits Surrendered by Giants Pitchers
Pitcher Count
Tim Lincecum 5
Anthony DeSclafani 2
Madison Bumgarner 2
Johnny Cueto 2
Hunter Strickland 2
Ryan Vogelsong 2
Tim Hudson 2
Matt Cain 2
Kevin Correia 2
Matt Morris 2
Brett Tomko 2
Jacob Junis 1
Kevin Gausman 1
Trevor Gott 1
Jeff Samardzija 1
Tony Watson 1
Shaun Anderson 1
Connor Menez 1
Chris Stratton 1
Will Smith 1
Ray Black 1
Matt Moore 1
George Kontos 1
Yusmiero Petit 1
Jake Peavy 1
Javier Lopez 1
Barry Zito 1
Ramon Ramirez 1
Sergio Romo 1
Jonathan Sanchez 1
Osiris Matos 1
Vinnie Chulk 1
Jamey Wright 1
Brad Hennessey 1
Jason Schmidt 1
Tyler Walker 1
Ryan Jensen 1
Kirk Rueter 1
Tim Worrell 1
Shawn Estes 1
Robb Nen 1
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Opposing Players Splash Hits
Splash Hit Batter Team Date Pitcher
1 Todd Hundley LAA 6/30/2000 Robb Nen
2 Luis Gonzalez AZ 9/23/2000 Shawn Estes
3 Mark Grace AZ 5/28/2001 Tim Worrell
4 Luis Gonzalez AZ 5/30/2002 Kirk Rueter
5 Ryan Klesko SD 4/9/2003 Ryan Jensen
6 Hee Seop Choi FLA 4/30/2004 Kevin Correia
7 Corey Patterson CHC 8/7/2004 Tyler Walker
8 Cliff Floyd NYM 8/21/2004 Brett Tomko
9 Russell Branyan MIL 4/23/2005 Brett Tomko
10 Larry Walker STL 7/8/2005 Jason Schmidt
11 Carlos Delgado FLA 7/23/2005 Brad Hennessey
12 Cliff Floyd NYM 4/25/2006 Jamey Wright
13 Carlos Delgado NYM 4/26/2006 Matt Morris
14 Carlos Delgado NYM 5/9/2007 Matt Morris
15 Adam LaRoche PIT 8/11/2007 Tim Lincecum
16 Lance Berkman HOU 5/15/2008 Vinnie Chulk
17 Prince Fielder MIL 7/19/2008 Osiris Matos
18 Brian Giles SD 8/24/2008 Kevin Correia
19 Miguel Montero ARI 9/29/2009 Jonathan Sanchez
20 David Ortiz BOS 6/27/2010 Tim Lincecum
21 Adam LaRoche ARI 8/27/2010 Tim Lincecum
22 Adam LaRoche ARI 8/28/2010 Sergio Romo
23 Rick Ankiel ATL 10/8/2010 Ramon Ramirez
24 Dioner Navarro LAD 7/20/2011 Tim Lincecum
25 Mitch Moreland TEX 6/9/2012 Ryan Vogelsong
26 Brian McCann ATL 5/10/2013 Matt Cain
27 Carlos Gonzalez COL 5/25/2013 Barry Zito
28 Garrett Jones PIT 8/22/2013 Matt Cain
29 Carlos Gonzales COL 4/11/2014 Madison Bumgarner
30 Yasmani Grandal SD 4/30/2014 Tim Hudson
31 Freddie Freeman ATL 5/12/2014 Javier Lopez
32 Curtis Granderson NYM 6/8/2014 Tim Lincecum
33 Adam Dunn CWS 8/13/2014 Jake Peavy
34 Corey Dickerson COL 8/27/2014 Tim Hudson
35 Ender Inciarte ARI 9/9/2014 Yusmiero Petit
36 Bryce Harper WAS 10/7/2014 Hunter Strickland
37 Cody Asche PHI 7/11/2015 Ryan Vogelsong
38 Ben Zobrist CHC 5/20/2016 George Kontos
39 Joc Pederson LAD 6/12/2016 Hunter Strickland
40 Curtis Granderson NYM 8/19/2016 Johnny Cueto
41 Chase Utley LAD 9/12/2017 Johnny Cueto
42 Cody Bellinger LAD 9/13/2017 Matt Moore
43 Matt Carpenter STL 7/820/18 Ray Black
44 Rougned Odor TEX 8/24/2018 Will Smith
45 Max Muncy LAD 9/30/2018 Chris Stratton
46 Max Muncy LAD 6/9/2019 Madison Bumgarner
47 Michael Conforto NYM 7/21/2019 Connor Menez
48 Robel Garcia CHC 7/22/2019 Shaun Anderson
49 Bryce Harper PHI 8/9/2019 Tony Watson
50 Shin-Soo Choo TEX 8/2/2020 Jeff Samardzija
51 Daulton Varsho ARI 9/5/2020 Trevor Gott
52 Mike Moustakas CIN 4/13/2021 Kevin Gausman
53 Joc Pederson CHC 6/3/2021 Anthony DeSclafani
54 Bryson Stott PHI 9/3/2022 Jacob Junis
55 Jack Suwinski PIT 5/29/2023 Anthony DeSclafani
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Count of Splash Hits by Opposing Team
Team Count
Arizona Diamondbacks 8
New York Mets 7
Los Angeles Dodgers 6
Chicago Cubs 4
Pittsburgh Pirates 3
Philadelphia Phillies 3
Texas Rangers 3
Colorado Rockies 3
Atlanta Braves 3
San Diego Padres 3
St. Louis Cardinals 2
Milwaukee Brewers 2
Miami Marlins 2
Cincinnati Reds 1
Washington Nationals 1
Chicago White Sox 1
Boston Red Sox 1
Houston Astros 1
Los Angeles Angels 1
Cleveland Guardians 0
Detroit Tigers 0
Kansas City Royals 0
Minnesota Twins 0
Baltimore Orioles 0
New York Yankees 0
Tampa Bay Rays 0
Toronto Blue Jays 0
Oakland Athletics 0
Seattle Mariners 0
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submitted by TheDuzzyFuckling to mlb [link] [comments]

2023.06.08 00:43 JeliPuff Felix Vail: The Pedophile Serial Killer Caught After 54 Years (PART 2)

This is Part 2 of this write-up. Please read part 1 first. This is the link:
https://www.reddit.com/UnresolvedMysteries/comments/143r7l9/felix_vail_the_pedophile_serial_killer_caught/

PART 2:

ANNETTE CRAVER:

Born on the 7th of December 1965, Annette Craver was intelligent and creative. At 15 she was a singer-songwriter and in her senior year at a private school that specialized in medicine. Her dream was to become a midwife.
http://charleyproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/vail_annette6.jpg(A photo of Annette Craver.)
In the summer of 1981, she and her mother, Mary Rose greeted people at a friend’s yard sale in the Montrose neighborhood in Houston, Texas. They had just returned from a vacation in Mexico, and Annette felt heartsick, still infatuated with a boy named Adolfo, who was unable to join her in America.
VAIL MEETS ANNETTE
While people browsed the sale, Vail pulled up on a motorcycle and spoke with Annette. He was 41 and had done some carpentry work in the area. “When I saw her, I thought, ‘That’s going to be my new girlfriend,’” he said about the 15-year-old.
In April 1982, Rose and her daughter invested in a Tulsa home that had a rental cottage behind it. Rose began renovating both. After graduating from high school, Annette joined her mother in Tulsa. Vail appeared a few days later, and convinced Annette to leave with him on his motorcycle. They lived off the $500-a-month Social Security check that she received from her father’s death 3 years prior. It would be over a year before Mary Rose would see her daughter again.
That fall, Annette (who was still 15) would fall pregnant, and Vail would force her to have a painful abortion.
Jerry Woodall, reportedly friends with Vail later recalled an embarrassing scene, where the 42-year-old Vail was in a sleeping bag, having public sex with a 16-year-old Annette, only 20 feet away from him and his then-wife Meredith McMackin. Annette grinned and waved at them. Woodall and McMackin did their best to ignore them.
McMackin would later say that Vail had “this coldness and controlling aspect to his personality. Annette was so open and alive, but I think he just totally dominated her. He would try to convey that he was this higher form of being. At first, I thought maybe he was evolved, but then I realized it was this arrogant act.”
Later that summer, police in California would arrest Vail for violating probation a dozen years earlier. Annette telephoned Woodall, who gave her $200. After Vail walked free from prison, he and Annette decided to get married. However, as a 17-year-old she needed permission.
Annette told her mother that she loved Vail, that they were already “spiritually married” and that they would travel to Mexico and get married there if she refused. Not wanting to lose her daughter completely, Rose said OK.
On August 15th, 1983, in Bakersfield, California, the couple were wed.
AFTER THE MARRIAGE
Four months after the marriage, Annette turned 18, allowing her to collect more than $98,000 ($293,500 today) from life insurance policies on her late father. Accompanied by Vail, she withdrew all the money in cash from a San Antonio bank. She bought a Fiat convertible that Vail liked and paid for his dental work.
In April 1984, Rose returned home to find Annette waiting at her door. She told her she wanted to divorce Vail, and enroll in college. She talked about Vail’s temper, including an incident where he had broken his hand trying to punch his wife. He missed and hit a wall.
A few weeks later, Vail showed up. The couple fought constantly, and Vail left after a few days. Mary Rose said that Vail was “insanely jealous” and would become furious when Annette spoke of her desire to go out with younger men.
She and Annette worked on renovating the two homes after Vail left, enjoying their time together. The 2 even started a garden together.
Annette received a letter from Vail, who vowed their time apart would fuel their love. He wrote to her: “After we hung up, I went out to a park and ran and hung and talked with God and smoked some and shot some pool and rode with the top down out through the marsh playing ‘Iron Butterfly’ [“In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”] and bathing every inch of your body-spirit being with love.”
He referred to being away from Annette as “deprivation jail” and to her ego as “his jailor.”
“The idea of her cutting away ego’s “feeder roots and creating roots between your spirit and the cosmic ground of loving makes me hot for you. My mind is kissing you everywhere.”
After that, Vail would return to Annette’s life. Rose said, “Annette told me, ‘Felix is the wisest person in the world, and I can’t make decisions without him.’” His influence on Annette had only grown stronger. According to Rose, she even compared Vail to God, a comparison Vail agreed with.
After this, the couple angrily insisted that Rose move out and deed the house to Annette. Accompanied by suicidal thoughts brought on by Vail’s continued control over her daughter, Rose left for California to stay with family and friends, deeding the house to Annette for $7000 ($21,000 today) before she did.
Annette would add Vail to the deed, and a month later had deeded him both homes, leaving him as the sole owner.
ANNETTE’S DISAPPEARANCE
Mere weeks after deeding the houses to Vail, the couple told neighbors they were leaving on vacation. When Vail returned in October, he was alone.
Vail told a neighbor that Annette had a lot of money wither her when he’d left her, and that she was likely visiting friends in Denver.
Upon learning that Annette hadn’t come back with Vail, Mary Rose called him. “He told me that while they were camping, Annette had a sexual dream about being with other men in Mexico, and she wanted to go there,” she recalled to an investigative reporter years later. “He claimed that the dream made them both realize that she should have her freedom.” The next day, Vail told her he had put Annette on a bus with $50,000 ($150,000 today) but didn't elaborate.
On Oct 22, 1984, Rose filed a missing person’s report. She told the Tulsa Police Department that each person who spoke with Vail “gets a different story about the amount of money that Annette took with her and where she might be. We all believe that he knows where she is or has done something with her.”
On January 22, 1985, Detective Dennis Davis and another officer questioned Vail at his home (This is obscenely late to start questioning him). By this point, Vail had filed for divorce, citing an inability to find her after a “diligent search.” Davis said her mother, Mary Rose, mentioned her daughter had received more than $90,000 from her father’s estate. Vail confirmed this was true, saying the couple had spent much of that money traveling in foreign countries. He said they kept their money in cash because they didn’t trust banks and that he had found about $10,000 in cash when he returned home.
The next day, Vail called a lawyer, who promised to talk with the officers and tell them to “leave me alone,” as he wrote in his journal.
When Davis returned five days later, Vail had a detailed alibi: The couple left Tulsa between noon and 3 p.m. on Sept. 13, 1984, and stayed the night in a hotel in Claremont, Oklahoma. After two nights of camping on the river, Annette woke up and told Vail she had decided to leave him. He took her to the Trailways Bus Station in St. Louis and left before she bought the ticket. (There is no Trailways Bus Station in St. Louis, and there has never been a Trailways Bus Station in St. Louis.)
He told the officers that she had told him she was headed for Denver, where she planned to get a fake ID card and leave for Mexico. When asked if he would take a lie detector test, Vail said no.
After Davis left, he wrote a letter to Rose. He blamed her for the “bad things” about Annette, told her that after the couple had returned from Costa Rica Annette had been “seeing friends and relatives --- completing her relationships with them for the purpose of getting ready to drop everybody and start over.” He wrote that Annette “disappeared herself from you” because Rose kept imposing her “value system” on her, and said Annette viewed her mother, grandmother, and herself as “zero self-image whores for approval.”
He explained the 2 had no plans to communicate, he did not know where she was, and that “I also assure you that even if I did know, I would not tell you.”
When Rose returned to Tulsa in April 1985, she entered the cottage Annette used to live in, only to find almost all the young woman’s belongings were gone, including her clothes and her diary.
Inside a Barbie suitcase, Rose found a photograph of her daughter and several of her identification cards. She also located things that Annette had written, including a Feb. 17, 1984, note that contradicted Vail’s claim that the couple had spent most of her inheritance on their travel to Mexico and Central American countries.
Instead, the note detailed how they used the money to buy the Fiat, pay off all of Vail’s loans, and deposit $36,000 into Louisiana Savings. It said that as of that day, they had $41,600 ($125,000 today) in cash.
Rose shared the information with the police. Detective Davis showed up again, and Vail told Davis the couple divided the money into smaller cashier’s checks, contradicting his earlier statement that they kept the money in cash.
After a while, Davis left, and despite the (seemingly obvious) suspicious behavior of Vail, closed the missing person’s case.
AFTER ANNETTE’S DISAPPEARANCE
Rose kept calling Vail after this and was finally able to reach him on September 14th 1985.
When asked about Annette’s whereabouts he refused to tell her.
When asked about Annette’s missing clothes he said he gave them to charity.
When asked about the insurance money, Vail told her ‘That’s all she really cared about.’ Rose hung up.
Two years later, fed up with the lack of progress in Annette’s case, Rose would return to Tulsa. She spent thousands of dollars on private investigators to locate Vail. When that failed, she simply went and found him herself.
Tipped off that he was staying at someone’s house, she went there with a friend and found him sitting outside. When asked where Annette went, he replied “Mexico.” When asked where in Mexico, he said the 2 had made a pact to contact each other every 5 years, contradicting his statement that the 2 didn’t have plans to communicate. Rose didn’t believe a word of it.
The whole time Vail never looked up, never stood up and never looked her in the eye.
BETH FIELD
Some time after this, Vail began dating Beth Field. Soon the couple had began arguing, and Vail would call her a “whore.” During a December 1987 argument, he would strike her so hard he ruptured her ear drum. She told Vail there was no justification for violence, to which he responded, “If you quit behaving like a whore, I’ll quit hitting you.”
In August 1988 Beth received a call from Rose, sharing details about the disappearance of her daughter, Annette. From that point forward, Field said she began to examine Vail’s words more closely, realizing that he had likely murdered her.
Four months after the call, he entered her home unannounced. Already drunk, he accused her of “imagined promiscuity,” according to a court order. He slapped her, struck her, and threw her across the bedroom. She asked if Vail was going to kill her, to which Vail replied, “It depends on what you tell me.”
A judge gave her a protective order, requiring Vail to keep his distance. Two weeks later, the sheriff reported that Vail was nowhere to be found.
While Field was visiting a meditation center in Texas in 1990, Vail arrived. After composing herself, she told him “There is a part of you that goes off, and it’s sick and it’s dangerous.”
He looked at her and asked, “Really?” She said “yes, really.” This time, the message seemed to go through. Vail left the next day, and with a single exception about five years later, she never saw him again.
MARY ROSE LEARNS ABOUT THE OTHER 2 CASES
In the summer of 1991 (6 years after Annette's disappearance), Rose drove over 2000 miles to Canyon Lake, Texas to speak to Sue Jordan, Felix Vail’s sister. Jordan said that Vail had told her that Annette wanted to leave, that he took her to a bus station and that she left with some Mexican men, heading for Mexico. Jordan also mentioned that Vail’s first wife had drowned, which was news to Rose.
Before she left, Jordan also told her, “Oh, you know, there was another woman that disappeared. I remember her mother calling my mother for years, checking to see if they’d heard from her. I think her name was Sharon.”
After the conversation, Rose sat down at a typewriter, writing every word she could remember. She also called the public library in Lake Charles.
The librarian remembered the 1962 drowning of Vail’s first wife, Mary Horton. She told Rose that he had taken out life insurance policies on his wife prior to her drowning and that the insurance companies were suspicious and didn’t pay the full value. The librarian made copies of newspaper articles and mailed them to her.
After reading them, Rose reached out to Mary’s family in Louisiana, speaking to Will Horton. He shared her suspicions about Vail and a copy of the 1971 National Enquirer article made after Vail's son Bill reported him to the police. When she read it, she learned that Sharon’s last name was Hensley.
In 1994, she read in the newspaper about Dolores Strehlow’s disappearance from Medford, Oregon, seven years earlier. Police had just arrested her husband, thanks to the work of Detective Terry Newell. She contacted Newell, who helped her find the family of Sharon Hensley. When Rose dialed the Hensley family, Sharon’s mother, Peggy, answered. Rose asked if Peggy knew a Felix Vail. Peggy replied with "you bet I do"
THE INVESTIGATION HEATS UP… AND COOLS DOWN
The detective who helped Rose before, Terry Newell, contacted Jim Bell, a national expert in serial killings working for the FBI. When Rose talked with Bell, she felt like she'd finally gotten somewhere. He was interested in working on the Vail case if he could swing the time. He still remained busy with active serial killer cases, helping train task forces across the U.S. Vail’s son, Bill, told Rose that he was willing to testify, as long as authorities provided protection to his family. Both the Tulsa police and the district attorney’s office in Lake Charles revived their investigations into Vail, now considered a suspected serial killer.
Bell suggested the victims’ families gather with authorities at the FBI Academy in Quantico, Virginia, to share information on Vail. He was unable to work on the case and left the FBI in 1995. The meeting in Quantico never materialized, and the cases involving Vail grew cold once again.
A QUICK RUN DOWN OF EVENTS
In the fall of 1997, family and friends held a mural for Annette.
Diagnosed with esophageal cancer, Vail’s son Bill heard from doctors that he didn’t have long to live. He’s quoted saying “now I’ll get to be with my mom.” Months before passing away in 2009, Bill talked about his father in a recorded interview with his pastor at Grace Church in Overland Park, Kansas.
On Jan. 3, 2009, Bill died, and Vail wrote in his journal, “I feel a large empty hole in my being where his life presence has been for 47 years,” before writing about getting a good haircut. He drove to Kansas but didn’t attend his own son’s funeral. If he had, he would have heard the recording, with his son detailing how he had overheard his father talk about murdering Bill's mother, Mary.
When Vail learned of the recording, he wrote to Pastor Tim Howey, asking for a copy. He blamed his son’s statements on “false memories,” saying, “I have not known about it until now and am stunned.”
In 2012, while attempting to confront Vail with reporter Jerry Mitchell whom she had contacted to write about Vial, Rose was stopped by Kaye Faulkner, Vial’s sister. She told Rose and Mitchell of the recording and urged Mitchell to get a copy of it. She also said that she believed Vial had murdered Mary Horton, Sharon Hensley, and Annette Craver.
She gave the reporter Vial’s number, as well as the numbers of her other brother, Ronnie, and her sister, Beth. Vial didn’t answer those calls, so Mitchell left a message. Ronnie promised to speak to his brother on his behalf.
MITCHELL INVESTIGATES
Mitchell arrived in Lake Charles and stopped by the Southwestern Louisiana Genealogical and Historical Library, which shared copies from old city directories. He began tracking down people who had lived in the Maree Apartments with Felix and Mary.
Many described Mary’s fair of drowning. A close friend of Vails, Judson McCann II described Vial as a ladies’ man, and insinuated he was a cheater. “Many nights, his car wouldn’t be home, and Mary would be there with the lights on. When Felix was gone, it wasn’t because he was trotline fishing.”
Another close friend, Bob Hodges described Vial’s story of Mary ‘falling’ in the river as “horse manure.”
A college roommate of Mary, Sandra Sudduth Pratt, said “Nobody believed it was an accident.”
Mitchell shared Mary’s autopsy report with pathologist Dr. Michael Baden of New York City, who concluded that foul play had taken place in her death.
The report showed large bruises with bleeding into tissues on the left side of the neck, which he said suggested she suffered forceful neck trauma before entering the water. There were hemorrhagic bruises to the right calf and left leg above the knee, which he said were consistent with a struggle before her submersion. But most convincingly of all was the scarf authorities found around her neck that extended 4 inches into her mouth, which suggested traumatic asphyxia before entering the water.
“Somebody had to push that scarf into her mouth. She had to have that scarf wedged in her mouth before she was put in the water.”
A cousin put Mary’s brother Will Horton in touch with former detective “Rabbit” Manuel, who had headed up the Calcasieu Parish Sheriff Office’s investigation back in 1962. He had never forgotten Mary’s death. “Felix’s story just didn’t add up. The fishing tackle was dry. The trotline was dry. The boat was dry. Even Felix’s cigarettes were dry, despite him telling the deputies he dove straight in the water to save Mary.”
He and Manuel met with “Lucky” DeLouche, who directed an elite task force unit that investigated homicides. Three young detectives took notes as they talked. Manuel shared details from the case, saying deputies (officers) wanted to prosecute, but the district attorney wouldn’t let them. Horton shared the autopsy report, Vail’s letters and his belief that Vail was a serial killer. Horton said DeLouche replied, “This absolutely fits the profile of a serial killer,” to which the other detectives agreed.
Shortly afterwards, DeLouche left the task force, and for seemingly the hundredth time, grew cold again.
After Mitchell posted a story about Vail titled “Gone” (It’s nearly 9,000 words long, and the precursor to the 35,500 word story I have drawn heavily from) a man named Wesley Turnage contacted him. He told him of a conversation he had had with Vail in 1963 during a car ride.
According to Turnage, Vail called Mary a bitch and said she thought another child would help solve their marriage problems. He quoted Vail as saying, “She wanted to have another kid. I didn’t want the one I got. I fixed that sorry bitch. She will never have another one.”
Mitchell would make another discovery. District Attorney Salter Jr. had ordered that the judge dismiss 882 criminal cases — more than three cases for each working day.
Will Horton told Mitchell the original detectives in the case told him that Salter wouldn’t allow them to present the evidence they had collected against Vail. That matched the stories Mitchell had heard from grand jurors’ families.
Horton then contacted District Attorney John DeRosier, who said he would be willing to reopen the case if there was enough evidence.
Then came an interesting wrinkle in the story. Finding Vail.
He’d disappeared, returning on Labor Day weekend 2012 to sell his property, before disappearing again. Luckily, another reader of "Gone" came to the rescue. He phoned Mitchell, telling him where Vial was. Canyon Lake, Texas.
Mitchell then contacted Enzo Yaksic, founder of the Serial Homicide Expertise and Information Sharing Collaborative. Yaksic then contacted Armin Showalter, acting chief for the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, which specialized in serial homicide investigations.
Yaksic shared a copy of GONE with Showalter, who in turn called Calcasieu Parish Deputy Randy Curtis, now taking on the Vail case. Curtis phoned Mitchell to find out where Vail was. A few days later, he called back to say the FBI had discovered Vail purchased property at 737 Shadyview Drive in Canyon Lake.
On Jan. 18, 2013, Curtis decided to confront Vail. He found him at that address, living in a storage shed. Curtis said he read Vail his rights before asking him about the death and disappearances of the women. Vail refused to say anything, accusing families and The Clarion-Ledger (Where "Gone" was published) of lying about him. The whole time, Vail couldn’t stop smirking.
​
Will Horton gave Mitchell the number of his cousin, who was a caretaker for 90-year-old Isaac Abshire Jr. When Mitchell sat down with the man, he shared a haunting story.
Abshire had worked with Vail and offered him a room to rent out. Once Vail and Mary were married, Vail had moved out. Abshire viewed himself as “a big brother” to Mary, calling her “a sweet little girl.”
After the marriage, Vail had become angry at work, talking about how ugly his wife was when she was pregnant, and how he didn’t like his baby. On the Friday before she was killed, the couple visited Abshire, bringing Bill, who was still an infant. Mary privately asked Abshire if he thought Vail could take her baby away.
Two days later, Mary was dead.
Abshire and two other workers went out the next day to drag the river. The next morning, Oct. 30, 1962, he returned with one of them, Jimmy May, to continue dragging.
Abshire said while they were talking, “something popped up. A guy with binoculars asked, ‘Does she have blonde hair?’ I said, ‘Yes, that’s her.’”
They recovered the body, and Abshire could never forget what he saw. Her body was rigid, and a scarf was wrapped around her neck before going into her mouth. Blood boiled on the boat, everyone voicing the same opinion. Vail had killed Mary.
Abshire had kept photos from that day for over 50 years. He said he had given them to Deputy Curtis as well as a copy of the 1962 sheriff’s report, which listed 15 points suggesting Vail’s guilt.
Despite being behind on major bills, Vail had managed to pay an entire year’s premiums in advance for a $50,000 ($150,000 today) life insurance policy on his wife. He had a second life insurance policy on her for $8,000 ($24,000 today), which promised to pay double if she died by accident.
It was almost as if he knew she was about to die.
Deputies had reported witnesses claims that Vail had told them he didn’t love his wife, that she looked stupid and vulgar, and that he had had sexual relations with multiple women, and at least one man.
Vail told deputies that his wife was wearing an off-white leather jacket when she went into the water. But she wasn’t wearing the jacket when her body was recovered. Inside his boat, deputies found two life preservers. Mary had not been wearing one, despite her fear of drowning. As for the trotline the 2 were supposedly running, deputies found it still inside Vail’s tackle box.
Most witnesses the Deputies had spoken too felt that Vail was capable of killing his wife.
When asked if he believed Vail killed his wife, Abshire said “Oh, my God, yes.”
THE CHASE & THE FINAL CLUES:
Ever since Vail had sold his Mississippi property, Mary Rose had wondered if he would eventually sell the Tulsa property, the one she and Annette had lived in. He did. Vail sold it for $149,000. Rose asked the question on the mind of everyone investigating. “What is he going to do with all that money? --- He could be running.”
On April 30th Mitchell got a call saying that Vail had left Texas. He was pulled over by police in Columbus, Mississippi after hopping the fence of his now dead brother Ronnie’s property. Curtis told Mitchell that the Columbus police were sending him a photo of Vail and the white pick-up truck he was pulled over in. He once again warned Mitchell that Vail could be running.
Vail’s sister called again, saying she heard her brother was heading to Montpelier. She wondered if he was driving to the home of possible witness Wesley Turnage.
Mitchell called Turnage to let him know that Vail might be headed his way. Turnage replied “If he sets foot on my property, there won’t be no trial.” He called Mitchell back later, saying no one in Montpelier had seen Vail.
Private Investigator Gina Frenzel, who had questioned Vail herself, including pretending to be his girlfriend, called Mitchell with good news. Vail had contacted her and told her he was back in Canyon Lake. Mitchell informed Curtis.
On May 17th 2012, authorities arrested Felix Vail for the murder of his wife Mary Horton.
In telephone calls from the jail in Lake Charles, he shared his explanation of what happened the night of Oct. 28, 1962, when Mary died.
He referred to his first wife as a “coon-ass lady,” saying she was “half kneeling” on his feet when she “saw one of the float buckets that were on the line.” He said the boat was “going real slow along the edge of the bank when the boat hit a stump ... and it dumped her right out.” Vail said he shut off the motor and dove in “where she had plopped in the water. I mean, nothing. The river had sucked her right in.” He said he “dove around until I was exhausted, and came in immediately to the police station in town and reported the accident and that was it.”
This story differed greatly from his story in 1962 when he said his wife was sitting on top of a boat seat when she fell out, not that she was kneeling on his feet. Back then, he said nothing about hitting a stump — just swerving to miss it.
It also differed from the story he had told his son, where a wave from another boat had dumped Mary out.
Vail told Frenzel that the case “has been an avalanche coming down the mountain all that time, waiting to hit my head, and it finally has.”
He blamed the families and Mitchell, “an evil, shrimpy reporter,” for what had happened, calling the charges “fabricated” and insisting that “a large amount of money, hate and political ambitions are behind them.”
At Vail’s request, Frenzel returned his truck to his home and went inside to take care of a few tasks. While there, she spent 16 hours photographing all his journals, more than 2,400 pages. She also photographed letters, documents, photographs and business cards, some dating back to the 1960s. She found a collection of women’s jewelry, old buttons, pins, and even a glass dildo.
Disturbingly, if at this point unsurprisingly, she found a photograph of a naked 3-year-old girl. Frenzel later spoke with the girl, now a woman. The journals revealed that Vail had stalked her for years.
Frenzel discovered the birth certificate of Annette Craver, who had used it for previous trips to Mexico.
Mitchell and Frenzel poured through the journals she had photographed. They noticed gaps in them that lead them to believe Vail had ripped pages out, including times when he should have been with Sharon and Annette.
His journals were dominated by sex, dreams of sex and reflected an obsession with children. In a March 27, 1986, entry, Vail wrote about the visit of a woman and her daughters in his home. “The little girls were delicious --- We massaged some, hugged & kissed some & it was 12 (midnight) & time for them to go.”
On Aug. 29, 1992, Vail walked into the Wal-Mart in West Point, and as he wrote in his journal “a 1-year-old white girl looked in my eyes loving me like there was no age difference between us.”
When Mitchell interviewed Kert Germany, a co-worker of Vail in 1977 he said that Vail attracted women wherever he went, and that Vail had told him the best sex of his life had been with 2- or 3-year-old girl.
It was that this time that Alexandra Christianson, Vail’s ex-wife called Mitchell and told him her story. She also put him in contact with Bruce Biedebach, the man she had been on a date with when she left with Vail. Biedebach would tell Mitchell that during a party in 1965 that turned into a “boast-fest” Vail had boasted about something he had done, that no one else had done.
Killed his wife.
He told the men at the party that he had held his wife’s head underwater until she drowned.
Biedebach then put Mitchell in contact with Rob Fremont, who had bicycled around California with Vail when he was 13. He said that while riding with Vail, he had told him that he hit his wife on the head and drowned her. Fremont never rode with him again after that.
With as much evidence as they could possibly gather, the case went to trial.
THE TRIAL:
Vail’s trial began on August 8th, 2016.
District Attorney John DeRosier laid out the evidence clearly.
He spoke of the evidence against Vail about Mary’s murder on October 28th, 1962.
He spoke about Vail swearing to Sharon Hensley’s mother that she wanted to start a new life in 1974.
He spoke about his letters to Mary Rose, telling her he wouldn’t tell her where her daughter Annette was “even if he knew.” Vail smirked at that one.
Finally, he spoke to the jurors.
“Mary Horton Vail is gone, Sharon Hensley is gone,” DeRosier said, “and Annette Craver Vail is gone.”
“You’re going to write the last chapter, and it’s simply going to read, ‘And justice was finally done. William Felix Vail, guilty as charged.’”
Prosecutors called all three families to testify.
Will Horton told jurors of his sister, “Mary was the kind of person you would want as a friend.” He broke while talking about visiting his nephew after he death in 1962. “I just wanted Bill to know how much his mother loved him.”
Brian Hensley told jurors that he last saw his sister, Sharon, with Vail before the pair left Bismarck, North Dakota, in 1972. Other than a telephone call and letter in the months that followed, he said no one had seen or heard from her since.
When Mary Rose took the stand, Vail bowed his head.
This was the woman who had been working for 32 long years to bring him into this court.
This was the mother who had waited 32 years for this moment.
She called Annette “a huge light in my life. We were always loving toward each other.” She testified that Vail ran off with her daughter on his motorcycle and married her. She testified that Annette, who inherited nearly $100,000 and received two homes, disappeared weeks after deeding those homes to Vail.
Wesley Turnage, Rob Fremont, and Bruce Biedebach swore under oath that Vail said he killed his first wife. Biedebach said he asked Vail if Mary was a bitch, to which Vail had said yes. Vail laughed in court as he told the story.
The current coroner, forensic pathologist Dr. Terry Welke, testified that in most drownings, the body comes up in a “dead person’s float,” with the back of the head surfacing first and the limbs hanging down in the water.
After sharing a series of pictures to show it, he showed the court two black-and-white photographs of Mary Horton when her body was recovered on Oct. 30, 1962, less than two days after she reportedly drowned. Her body was stiff, with her hands over chest as if she was in a coffin.
They also saw the videotaped testimony of Isaac Abshire Jr, who had died in 2014. He said her body was stiff when it surfaced either sideways or face up when she bobbed up in the Calcasieu River.
That testimony helped contribute to Welke’s homicide conclusion. So did the unbroken grease-like stain across her Chi Omega sweatshirt, which he believed could have come from a tarp covering her. Welke concluded Mary was dead and stiff before her body went into the water, explaining why rigor had set in.
Testimony was heard of Vail not paying for his own wife’s funeral, despite having made thousands from her life insurance.
THE VERDICT
The jury didn’t even take a half hour to reach their verdict.
William Felix Vail Sr was unanimously found guilty of murdering Mary Horton. He was sentenced to life in prison.
After the verdict, the prosecutor also revealed that the FBI had found out that Vail had molested a child over 30 years ago. They were unable to put him on trial for it, as the statue of limitations had passed.
Finally, nearly 54 years after she was murdered, Mary Horton had found justice.
Finally, 42 years after her disappearance, Sharon Hensley had found justice.
And Annette Craver, with the help of her mother Mary Rose’s tireless efforts, had finally found justice after 32 years.
https://content.api.news/v3/images/bin/f75084c7dce4fb08e12e45ccba5e40a1
This a photo of Mary, Sharon and Annette. I felt it was fitting to end off with. May they all rest in peace.
MY SOURCES:
https://www.namus.gov/MissingPersons/Case#/8284?nav
https://charleyproject.org/case/annette-michelle-craver-vail
https://www.clarionledger.com/story/news/local/felixvailgone/2016/12/29/felix-vail-gone-one-wife-dead-two-other-missing-jerry-mitchell/95895894/
https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/5796622/mary-elizabeth-vail
https://charleyproject.org/case/sharon-hensley
https://www.namus.gov/MissingPersons/Case#/20525?nav
submitted by JeliPuff to UnresolvedMysteries [link] [comments]

2023.06.08 00:30 JeliPuff Felix Vail: The Pedophile Serial Killer Caught After 54 Years (PART 1)

Yesterday I had multiple people ask me to post this, and their comment has 552 likes at the time of me writing this, so I have spent the last day and a half editing, and adding information so it's up to standard. Overall, it has taken me close to a week to make. It probably isn't perfect, but I will edit it if I notice any mistakes. I hope you enjoy ❤
I would like to start this off by saying that this is an incredibly long write-up. This case spans 54 years, and this write-up is over 8650 words long, and is in fact so long that it exceeded the character limit, forcing me to make 2 parts. u/that1guywiththehat has already covered this case, and their write-up is much shorter. I will link it here, and you can check it out if you'd like. They did a fantastic job. 😊
https://www.reddit.com/UnresolvedMysteries/comments/g3wqcc/after_18yearold_annette_craver_vail_vanishes/
Secondly, this write-up borrows EXTENSIVELY from "Gone," a 35,500 word book about the life and crimes of Felix Vail. It contains information that you simply cannot find anywhere else, and I'd estimate that around 80% of this write-up uses it's information. While it's extremely long, being over 4 times the length of this write-up, it is well worth the read. I will also link it here so you can check it out if you'd like.
https://www.clarionledger.com/story/news/local/felixvailgone/2016/12/29/felix-vail-gone-one-wife-dead-two-other-missing-jerry-mitchell/95895894/
Now with that out of the way...

PART 1:

MARY HORTON:

​
Born on the 16th of February 1940 to Floyd and Lillie Horton, Mary was popular, beautiful, and well liked. She became homecoming queen at Eunice High School and wrote for the school newspaper. After graduating she began attending McNeese State University where she was so popular that all 5 sororities invited her to join. She eventually chose Chi Omega.
https://www.clarionledger.com/gcdn/-mm-/d313713be82928fb5c54a52348e9f0b6fbe9ca88/c=0-232-3288-4617/local/-/media/2016/12/27/JacksonMS/JacksonMS/636184665129485321-mary-horton-0001.jpg?width=300&height=401&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp
(Mary Horton from 1957, as Eunice High School homecoming queen.)
A FATEFUL ENCOUNTER
In 1960 she began dating William Felix Vail Sr, who goes by Felix. He was 6’, slender and in the words of another sorority girl “looked like he’d been touched by heaven.” In her diaries and messages to friends, Mary spoke of being happy and excited. However, not everything was sunshine and rainbows for the young couple.
On June 20th, 1960, Mary confided in a friend “I really do love Felix, but I don’t think that I like him anymore. He really is sweet, but we don’t see eye to eye on things.” She requested that a friend set her up on a date with another man in the hopes that Felix would leave her.
In response to this date, he came to Mary saying he suffered from a disease. She asked what disease he had. He meant Mary.
The 2 had a conversation that Mary described as ‘Felix doing all the talking, and her just listening.’ He told her that he had changed, and she said that she had too.
The 2 began dating again, but Mary continued to see other people. She attended a house party with Kelley McFarland, who afterwards heard that Vail was so angry he ‘wanted to kill him.’ McFarland tracked him down, eventually meeting him in dark woods. The 2 exchanged no blows, and they went their separate ways.
After this incident, Mary described herself as “miserable” and Felix as “jealous”, although she reiterated her love for him. There was reportedly an incident at a pool party where Felix “walked up to Mary and just slapped the heck out of her,” according to Mary’s high school boyfriend Leonard Matt.
Despite everything, Mary continued to defend him, calling him a “wonderful person.”
THE MARRIAGE
On July 1, 1961, in Eunice, Louisiana, Mary Horton and Felix Vail got married.
https://www.clarionledger.com/gcdn/-mm-/3a212b032aef874dfc60297c45f3a63946f5aeee/c=0-304-1765-2658/local/-/media/2016/12/28/JacksonMS/JacksonMS/636185193505145184-1022maryhorton003.JPG?width=300&height=401&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp
(Mary Horton in her wedding dress, July 1st, 1961.)
In the fall of that year, Mary began her job as a second-grade teacher at Moss Bluff Elementary School. That December, she found out she was pregnant. Another teacher, Myrtis Quinilty said Felix didn’t want a child.
Her sister-in-law, Sue Jordan, told Mary the only reason Vail believed she wanted to get married was to have a baby, and not because of him. Mary blamed herself, saying “I can see, looking back, from many things I said how they could have been misunderstood.” Mary insisted that the couple were happy but did comment on how unattractive she felt while pregnant, a sentiment that Felix shared.
On their anniversary, Mary gave birth to William Felix Vail Jr, who they called Bill.
https://www.clarionledger.com/gcdn/-mm-/c701d4cdc0e5ff127e79b575a1c137adfa57d585/c=0-0-180-240/local/-/media/2016/12/28/JacksonMS/JacksonMS/636185195986996911-TCLBrd-08-11-2016-ClarionLedger-1-A001-2016-08-10-IMG-636047953682196834-M-1-1-G0FAJ00I-L860703094-IMG-636047953682196834-M-1-1-G0FAJ00I.jpg?width=180&height=240&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp
(Mary holding Bill in 1962)
Within a month, Mary suspected that she may be pregnant again. At this time, strange things began to happen in the couple’s apartment. One morning, the couple awoke to find their front door had been removed from its hinges. Another time, they found the front door of their apartment wide open. Nothing was stolen.
Mary began receiving threatening calls. The couple concluded that whoever was calling must be watching them because the caller only ever did it when Felix wasn’t home.
Mary spoke with her mother about divorcing Felix. Her mother, a devout Catholic, urged her daughter to stay and work things out. It would be a fatal mistake.
MARY'S DEATH
On October 28th, 1962, at 7:30pm, Felix Vail drove up to Shell Beach saying that his wife had fallen in the water of the Calcasieu River while they were running trot lines. It took 2 days to find her body, close to where Vail had said she disappeared.
Her funeral was held on October 31st. Vail never paid a cent for it.
On November 4th deputies arrested Vail at work, hauling him to jail and questioning him. He refused to take a lie detector test. The coroner ruled Mary’s death an “accidental drowning,” a sentiment not shared by the officers who found her body, or the community at large. Days later, Vail was released without charge, as the D.A declined to prosecute.
Months later, he picked up his son, Bill, from the Louisiana home of his late wife’s aunt and headed for Mississippi. According to Bill years later, Vail told him that he and Mary were out fishing, that a boat had come by and caused a big wave and knocked her out of the boat. Mary didn’t know how to swim, had no life jacket (despite being afraid of water) and so immediately sank and drowned. He said he had almost died trying to rescue her.
I will go further in depth into Mary’s death further down this write-up when I go through the investigation that followed, decades later. There are more details that I will cover there.
ROBIN SINCLAIR:
In this section I will cover his relationship with a girlfriend between the murders of Mary Horton and Sharon Hensley. Vail was a full-time scumbag and I want to illustrate that, as well as show some of the other lives he’s impacted, and other people he’s hurt. I will be covering multiple instances like this one. If you only want to read about the 3 murder victims, feel free to scroll down, I have them clearly marked for convenience.
AN 11 YEAR AGE GAP AND A DEAD-BEAT DAD
In 1967, Vail met a 17-year-old Robin Sinclair at a bus stop in San Diego. (Vail would have been 28 at this time. Large age gaps will be a theme in this write up.) She was spending the summer there with her sister, and the 2 began dating. When summer break ended, she left without him, returning home to San Francisco.
In October of 1968 while attending an Iron Butterflies concert, Vail appeared again. Sinclair took it as a sign that the 2 belonged together. He had his young son Bill, and the 3 bounced from place to place together. Sinclair would later describe how Bill was poorly looked after, neglected and that Vail would even give the young boy drugs. Bill would later recount his father giving him LSD as a child.
While watching over another couple’s home during the Christmas holidays, she learned she was pregnant and shared the news with Vail. He said, “Well, I don’t think you’re emotionally stable enough to handle the pregnancy.” The next morning, Vail and his young son had vanished. A friend told Sinclair that he went back to Mississippi, that it was time for his son to go to school and that he didn’t want to be with her.
Heartbroken, Sinclair would move in with her parents. In August of 1969 she gave birth to her daughter, who she named Simone. She wrote Vail an angry letter, and 2 months later he showed up on her doorstep. She told him to leave, and that she never wanted to see him again. She never did.

SHARON HENSLEY:

​
Sharon Hensley was born on December 20th, 1948. Growing up in the state capital of Bismarck, North Dakota, she dated football players and belonged to the high school’s 'Demonettes', an award-winning dance team founded by a former Rockette.
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT-drYY1YZjqadja6gpHI_j8-zHNTiww7XDLwZ3pq-m&s
(A photo of Sharon Hensley.)
She graduated in 1966, and attended Bismarck Junior College, where she took classes in dance and acting, performing in a play with her older brother, Frank.
In 1967, aged 19, Sharon discovered she was pregnant. Wanting to escape her hometown, she followed her brother Frank and other classmates to San Francisco. After arriving, she stayed in a home for single mothers, where she gave birth to a girl she named “Cherry” after the popular Neil Diamond song. She told friends she wanted to keep the child but was unable to. Two years after leaving for California, Sharon was in jail and her mother, Peggy, headed there with a $5,000 cashier’s check to bail her out. When she returned, Sharon wasn’t with her.
“She said she had lost her daughter,” her younger brother Brian would later say. “She cried almost every night. She was never the same after that.”
MEETING VAIL
While house-sitting in a high-rise apartment, Vail would meet his future girlfriend, Sharon. She was 20, and attractive, having even modeled in her teens. They became friends, and then started a relationship despite the 10-year age gap.
While hitchhiking across California, Vail would confess to Hensley that he had killed Mary, something his son Bill overheard. Because of this, Bill would later go to the police to report his own father for murder. The police at first didn’t believe Bill, but after camping out on the front steps, one detective listened. He told the detective that he was hungry, tired of using the drugs his father gave him, that he wanted to go back to school, live like other kids, and that he had overheard his father admit to killing his mother.
At a beach along the Merced River, police found his father and Hensley, carrying a bag of LSD capsules. Police charged the couple with LSD possession and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Vail received a six-month jail sentence, plus three years’ probation, after pleading guilty to a lesser charge of LSD possession.
California police shared their information with Louisiana authorities. Once again, the district attorney in Lake Charles once again passed on prosecuting Vail for murder. Another fatal mistake.
Bill returned to Mississippi to live with his grandparents, who then gained full custody. On January 23rd, 1971, Vail and Sharon showed up in the driveway. Bill thought Vail was there to kill him, and his grandmother had to reassure him that he was safe.
The father and son eventually sat down and had a talk. Vail told Bill that he didn’t blame him for the time he spent in prison, but instead blamed Sharon, which the young boy found strange because “she had nothing to do with it.”
The family wondered how the couple could even legally be in Mississippi if they were supposed to be on probation in California. They couldn’t. After a visit from the Sheriff, the 2 were smuggled out of town and given enough money to get back to the West Coast.
In the Summer of 1972, the couple appeared unannounced at Sharon’s childhood home in Bismarck. The more the family saw of the couple, the more horrified they became. Sharon wore a mini skirt with no panties and had armpit hair and leg hair "like a man." She had been losing weight and losing clumps of hair.
Her younger brother Brian said it felt like his sister had been brainwashed. If someone asked her a question, “either Felix would answer the question for her, or she would look at Felix while she was giving the answer.”
The couple left then North Dakota and traveled to Mississippi, where they stayed with Vail’s family. On the dairy farm the family owned, they helped paint the home. The couple also sunbathed in the nude, drawing the ire of neighbors.
Peggy Hensley received a telephone call from Sharon, who said she and Vail were heading to New Orleans and then to Miami to make pornographic films. She believed it was a cry for help as “what daughter tells her mother she’s going to do a porno?” Sharon’s parents wanted to travel down to get their daughter back but couldn’t. (The 2 did end up shooting pornographic scenes together, but I won’t get into any of that.)
In early 1973, Sharon called and talked of traveling to South America with Vail, where they would eat natural foods and write a book. It was the last conversation the family would ever have with her. Soon after, she would send her final letter. It contained a photo of her holding a pen, captioned “making travel notes.” It was the last picture ever taken of Sharon Hensley.
https://www.clarionledger.com/gcdn/-mm-/94195697544ea2e63b0b95e33a6de88a8b4f1e2b/c=0-50-399-276/local/-/media/2016/12/28/JacksonMS/JacksonMS/636185487179588030-Sharon-Hensley.jpg?width=399&height=226&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp
(The last photo ever taken of Sharon.)
THE DISAPPEARANCE
In March of 1974, Peggy received a letter from Vail, claiming he was in West Florida. He wrote that he last saw Sharon about a year before in Key West, with an Australian couple that was traveling around the world. All he recalled was the first names of the couple (John and Vanessa), who were talking with Sharon about “island hopping around South America, the West Indies, --- Hawaii for a while, maybe a couple of years in the Philippines, then India, Egypt and the Mediterranean islands and coasts. I don’t know which of these (if any) they decided on or in what order.” Peggy didn't believe a word of it.
In the fall of 1975, Vail’s mother wrote to the Hensley family, saying that her son was surprised the family hadn’t heard from Sharon during that time. Interestingly, Vail told his mother the names of the couple that Sharon left with were Frank and Sally, different names than he had given a year earlier. Vail explained to his mother that before Sharon left, she had burned all her identification cards, got new IDs, and declared that she would become a completely different person.
Bill recalled his father mentioning Sharon. “He said she would never bother anyone ever again.” The words upset Bill, who believed his father had just confessed to another murder. “There was not a soul I could tell about it because I had had my experience in court when I was 8, no one would believe me. It would be my word against his, and no one would believe a 13-year-old.”
​
SHARON CAMPBELL:
I want to talk about this relationship because of the egregious age difference. For reference, Campbell is only 4 years older than Vail’s son.
While riding a bus to north Mississippi in 1975, Vail sat next to 17-year-old Sharon Campbell. Despite being literally twice her age, he commented on how fit she looked, saying "he needed someone like her to keep him fit." In spite of this, she felt flattered and shared her telephone number with him. Not long after she got home, Vail appeared in a yellow Volkswagen bug.
Vail said he wanted Campbell to travel with him, and she told him the only way her parents would allow it was if they got married.
On July 24, 1975, they did, honeymooning in Gulf Shores, Alabama.
In court years later, she would tell prosecutors that they never consummated the marriage because “he was unable to obtain an erection.” (This isn’t relevant, I just wanted to include it out of spite because fuck this guy.)
Several weeks later, she went with Vail to visit his relatives in Louisiana. There, she said a niece told her, “You probably need to know that he killed his first wife --- they arrested him. We all believed that he did it, he drowned her out of a boat.”
Campbell didn't believe them, telling herself that he would be in prison if he was a murderer. But as the months passed by, she concluded that he “had no value in the female gender,” and that “he hated women.”
She later traveled with Vail to his parents’ home in Montpelier. While there, he was outdoors working on the Volkswagen and Campbell walked closer without him noticing. He opened a compartment, and she said she saw “sinister, surgical looking saws of all shapes and sizes in a neat formation.” To her, the sight screamed evil. “It scared me. I said, ‘I’m not going anywhere with you.’” She left, annulled the marriage, and never looked back. It was likely the best decision she ever made.
After the divorce he would marry a woman named Carolyn in 1977. The relationship would end after he cheated on her with a woman named Alexandra Christianson during a double date. When Carolyn called Vail’s mother and asked her if the behavior surprised her, she simply replied “no.”
After being served the divorce papers, Vail smashed his car into her MGB Sports Car. A month later he would call her saying “I love you.” She did not reciprocate. She would later describe Vail as “mentally deranged.”
​
ALEXANDRA CHRISTIANSON:
Alexandra is the woman Vail cheated on Carolyn with. She eventually got married to him in Mexico after he officially divorced Carolyn. Not long after their marriage, she heard that Vail was cheating on her.
After a motorcycle accident, he came to rest up at her condo in Costa Mesa, where she confronted him about the cheating. He reportedly got agitated and said, “you know my first wife died.” When she replied saying he’d told her she drowned, Vail shot back “I could have saved her, but I chose not to.”
After telling him to leave, she went to have a shower. While in the shower, Vail attacked her, wrapping his hands around her neck. Hearing her screams, Alexandra’s young brother came in, grabbing Vail and forcing him to the ground. Vail then left.
Soon after this, she found out she was pregnant. The child was still-born, and Alexandra was heart-broken. She would later lead important investigators to witnesses that were used in Vail's eventual trial.
In part 2, I will cover Vail's final victim Annette Craver, and the lengths her mother went to to finally secure justice.
Here is Part 2:
https://www.reddit.com/UnresolvedMysteries/comments/143riqi/felix_vail_the_pedophile_serial_killer_caught/
MY SOURCES:
https://www.namus.gov/MissingPersons/Case#/8284?nav
https://charleyproject.org/case/annette-michelle-craver-vail
https://www.clarionledger.com/story/news/local/felixvailgone/2016/12/29/felix-vail-gone-one-wife-dead-two-other-missing-jerry-mitchell/95895894/
https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/5796622/mary-elizabeth-vail
https://charleyproject.org/case/sharon-hensley
https://www.namus.gov/MissingPersons/Case#/20525?nav
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2023.06.07 14:32 Suemravik-kw-com Embrace the endless possibilities of your future dream home, just minutes away from Trempealeau, Arcadia, Winona, and La Crosse Uncover 2003 Spakenburg Rd. Today! Sue Mravik & Associates, Keller Williams Realty Diversified 📞 (608) 498-6076 📧 [email protected]

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2023.06.07 11:34 GlamHamm Cardiff night one setlist ✨

Cardiff night one setlist ✨ submitted by GlamHamm to Coldplay [link] [comments]

2023.06.07 09:50 LawbirdBringer A new home, an introduction

So, I'm feeling an itch to try and do another crossover, this time with Frostpunk of all things. Thus, I am gonna try it. However I must state some thing. In this universe, as the date Frostpunk is set in. Or at least, The scenario "A new home" is happening in. Is somewhere during 1886 to 87. And the invention of the Nukes are during 1933. So for all intents and purposes, The Federation never stumbled upon humanity. At least, in a way they stumble upon them so much earlier than they should. This way, the feds never had a reason to exterminate the species in the first place. They didn't know they existed.
In terms of things regarding the Laws of New London. In this story, both Order and Faith are mixed together. The laws leading to Faith Keepers and The Temple are signed as well as the laws leading to Patrols and Foremen. As for Adaptation laws. Child Labor, Extended Shift, Soup, Extra rations for the Ill, Prosthetics, Ceremonial funerals, Public house. Nearly everything is researched.

For the purpose of the City, they haven't crossed the Line yet. But as any who played the game knows. The other side of the Line is so tempting. So very, very tempting.

Memory Transcript: Felix Hawthorn - Captain, leader of the last City
Date: [standardized human time]: Day 47
I can no longer see the lights out there. The Little fires and candles that lit up the city. The houses are all but covered in ice. The automatons are barely managing to work through the frigid winds. I turn to check the thermometer, even in my office. Built at the base of the Generator. The winds could reach me through the cracks in the walls. I blinked the ice out of my eyes as my vision locks with the thermometer. "Negative... 150 degrees..." I croaked out. Speaking aloud as I slowly turned to face the cloak on the wall.
To my bewilderment, and amazement. It was still turning away. Even when frost threatened to break it. Just a few more hours... just a few more...
I weakly lifted my arm, If I survive. It'll need amputating. I couldn't even feel the burning cold that was coating its' senses yesterday.
No guardsmen, Faith Keeper, or anyone has came to alert me to anything new... The infirmaries were the only buildings with enough warmth for people to at the very least. Feel chilly... Heh... "Should probably go to one..." I shiver at I felt Jack Frost threaten to tear my insides apart, speaking my thoughts won't help much... thinking things out will keep me focused...
I can't go to a Infirmary. We have no space for a new one to be built, nor do we have enough space for everyone... Thus, here I sit. In my chair. Watching the frost grow on my windows... I pray to myself, that whoever plunged us in this Frozen Hell. Would have mercy on the children and the elderly
As the glass in my window gets overgrown in ice and snow, I slowly close my eyes. And lay back. If this is the end of the human race as we know it... I rather sleep through it than see the results. I already wrote down notes so whomever finds me, will know what to do.
Sleep takes me, the frost won't win that battle at least. In the realms of Dreams. I'm sitting under the warm sun, my daughter and son playing in the grass not too far from me. My wife and I play a game, pointing out the different shapes the clouds made in the sky...
​
There is a pirate ship... a bird... that's a whale... "No, silly. That's a dolphin!" she'd laugh, I would respond with a chortle and a "Well, when you're right, you're right."
Such warmth... It's not even that warm in actuality, it is as average a day as any other... but I feel so... warm.
---------
Memory Transcript: Jannim, Junior Venlil explorer
Date: [standardized human time]: Day 47
I shivered as the ship struggles to handle the temperature of this planet. Of course, sometimes a explorer will never come back. Be it through running into Predators, a error in the systems. Or just bad luck. But I never thought it would happen to me.
I boot up the terminal, thankful it still worked at least. "Explorer Log 21. Jannim. Horkle, our exterminator. Succumbed to the wounds he sustained during the crash. Day 7 after the crash, our pilot, Thalk and captain Fonn still haven't came in from checking on the damages the ship sustained when the storm hit us. Should've left when we noticed it but no... we just had to be heroes to a race we don't even know how to find." I panted as I glanced to the ships' walls. Thanks to the ship I'm alive, but how long will the power last? If Fonn and Thalk were still alive out there... I took a deep breath and continue the log "The captain and pilot left the ship sometime yesterday, to check on external damages and on the engines.-" A growl from the predator-like winds stole my attention away.
You survived a Arxur raid, and this is how you go out? Fearing for your life because of alien nature?
Yes, I was...
​
I take a bite out of my emergency rations, the blandness of it was much better than the chill in the air. "-I-if anyone finds this, leave this planet. Don't go looking for the natives, LEAVE. Before the scans broke down, it appears the planet is gonna undergo various storms similar to the one I am in. Leave at once and mark the planet down as a Deathtrap." I managed to keep myself from stuttering as I continued the message "The planet itself seems predatory, if this is anything to go by. I believe the natives of this planet will have succumbed to the frost during this storm. If not this one, then the next one. Or the one after that. However long it takes. Nothing should be able to survive such harsh winds in this temperature."
I stop myself, taking a few deep breaths, then another bite of my ration. "... If you're stationed near Venlil Prime. Please, find Pallhen. He's my father... tell him... I love him, and that I'm with Mother now." I choke past a tear as I looked to the systems. "Looks like the lights are about to fail, if the controls are anything to go by. Even if the pilot and captain return. We won't be able to even launch... Final log of Junior Explorer Jannim. Protector watch over us." I sighed before ending the Log. Left in silence, I listened to the predatory-storm beat on the ship. And watch Horkles' corpse lay on the medical table of our ship.
Silently counting the emergency rations, and what regular rations we have left. I would last around a week. Perhaps longer if I space my meals out... I think I'll just keep my meals as is, having to do with spacing meals out will just raise my hopes... Can't really have that if this storm lasts much longer.
I resumed eating my ration as I try to guess what the natives were like before this planet became a great, big, Temperature Predator. ------------------------------------------------ Memory Transcript: Felix Hawthorn - Captain, leader of the last City
Date: [standardized human time]: Day 48
"Captain!" A harsh voice awakens me, I use my one good arm to push the Faith Keepers' hands off me. He was apparently shaking me awake. "I'm up, I'm up!" I cried out as I sighed. I could see the relief worm its way onto Brother Collins' face. "Captain. We made it" he exclaimed as a mix of relief and pure joy radiates from his face to his voice. I grumbled in tired bewilderment as I turned to look at the thermometer.
"The storm has passed!" Collin cheered as I mentally froze at the sight on the Thermometer on the wall. -20 degrees Celsius... "Brother Collin! don't just stand there!" I cried out as I stand up with as much my renewed vigor would allow me. Causing the Faith-keeper to freeze in place. "Get out there, and tell the Guards to check the people, check them yourself it you have to. I need information on how our population handled this storm before we move forward!" I shout my orders at Collin, before grabbing my scarf off my neck. The ice still hasn't thawed off my scarf but... I fashion it into a sling for my arm "I'll be here after I have my arm amputated. Can't die now after all we went through." I allow a slight snicker escape my lips as I walk out the doors of my office and marched to the nearest infirmary. I could hear Collin run out of the office shortly after me and went off to find the guards, check families. Maybe both.
To my relief, the infirmary I first arrived at had a place open for me. Due to overcrowding, I was given a seat on the floor. And now... here I wait, listening to the doctors and nurses comfort and calm the ill and wounded. A few shot nasty glares at me... I'd like to see them try and prepare the city for a storm like that. I think I did pretty well... ---A few hours later.--- "So... we're at 307 able bodies, a hundred dead. Five missing. And finally, 246 amputees" I stated to the Head guardsmen, Matthew Williams. And there beside him stood high Priest Jenkins Anderson. "Moral will go up of course, everyone who survived the storm will feel nothing but joy for a while. But now we have to deal with reverting the city to what it was before the storm." I point to Matthew with my newly attached arm, the claw couldn't point fingers but it works when I need to grab something. I shift to point at Anderson as this was for them both to do. "Spread word that we are sending hunters back out and are putting the hothouses back up. I want scouts looking through the wilderness for anything they can find out there. We're not out of the storm yet" I declared as I brought my prosthetic back down. "Take stock of what rations we currently have, and spread them out as much as you can to the population. Send word to the Factory to start churning out Prosthetics... And when you have the scouts ready, inform me." Mister Williams saluted me before leaving the office, while Anderson stays there, watching me... "Did... the two come back?" I asked him, the silent shake of his head told me everything... "We don't have the bodies... find out the name of that father and his daughter, then make a pair of graves for them." Anderson nods and with a respectful bow, stepped out the door.
Finally left to my thoughts, I sat back in my chair. Staring at my desk. So many lives lost... I did what I could, but should I have done better? I could have done better... they are all dead because of me, how many of them were parents?... how many children?
I sat in silence as I start a prayer to the dead. Praying they forgive me for failing them. Praying again that they pass on to a place better than where we are. And finally, Praying that someone up there actually is listening...
Once my prayers were done, I looked to the reports brother Collin had placed on my desk during my time in the Infirmary. Apparently something had crashed during the start of the great storm. There was something flying out there... Going by the calculations the engineers did under Collins' request. The crash is relatively close by... a three day travel on foot, two via riding one of the automatons through the days and night.
I stand from my desk and walk out the door, Paying some mind to a picture of my wife on my way out. I had to be one of the scouts. For this at the very least... if there is some hope there is a survivor out there, if the father and his daughter is there... I have to be certain... we have enough automatons and able bodies to use the coal mines and coal thumpers. And after the storm, I do not believe we required the other laws. I'll leave the high priest in charge until my return. Matthews is a good man but... Anderson is the more compassionate of the two. He'll keep up the moral while I'm away.
​
-------
​
This wasn't a lot, but hey. Hope you liked the introduction. If anyone has any questions regarding New London in the story, please feel free to ask. If anyone has anything to just say, feel free to share your thoughts.
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2023.06.07 06:46 CornerCornea Old Traditions for a Night Wedding

I had been contacted by the magistrate to investigate a night wedding in the countryside that had involved the loss of human life. There seemed to be a recent rise in tourists involved in ghost dowries over the years. However, from my research I believe it was a man in search of night weddings for personal gain that was the cause of so many deaths.
When I received the request, I was nearby on Green Island, and addressing a rather unique matter even in my line of work. A little girl from the mainland had arrived two weeks prior and claimed to be the recently deceased husband of the grieving widow.
The child claimed to have woken up in a hospital where the doctors informed them that they had drowned and was clinically dead for 4 minutes when the body inexplicably sat upright in the gurney. This would have seemed to be great news, except when the child looked into the mirror, it was not their face staring back at them.
In old Taoist texts I have read of such events, where the bodies of the recently deceased are not put to ground quickly enough, and their souls are left to wander. They could get carried away by the Northeast or Southwest wind. Depending on the location from where they died. And possibly attach to an empty host.
This seemed to be the case, as the wife acknowledged that due to the wet season, they did not bury her husband's body right away. Because the grounds were so wet, that any graves would wash away, leaving corpses laying in the street. Still, I had the responsibility of testing the child. Whom passed a simple test of naming names. Where they used to live. The wife's habits. A conversation they recently had, and even childhood memories. All were confirmed by friends and family. But it would be the child's handwriting that ultimately convinced me. They were a perfect match, down to the signature.
Upon my approval, the villagers had no choice but to accept that this child was indeed the man come back to life. And when I left, he was sitting outside of his house cleaning fish as he had always done for 32 years, except now in the body of a 10 year old girl.
I didn't have much time to dwell on this case as I was needed at the aftermath of the failed night wedding. Ghost dowries have been in use for thousands of years, and traces of it can be found in many different cultures. From the Aztec to the Egyptians, and more recently from old Spain to the streets of Southeast Asia. Though in recent times, only a few remote places continued the practice, and there are a limited number of priests today who are qualified enough to handle such a case. Luckily, I had plenty of experience in this matter.
In my early years, I had married many ghost brides.
And was often asked, "But you're a priest, how can you get married?"
"Zhengyi Taoist priests can choose to take a wife or not. In fact, in order to pass on my Celestial title, I must have an heir."
The man looked distraught, "And you're sure this will stop her from whispering into my ear every night?" He clutched the bag rather tightly.
"Don't you worry," I took the bag from his hands. "Everything will be fine."
We would perform the customary vows and the following night the man reported no more whisperings from his daughter, yet a week later, the police raided my hotel in a different district. The man had claimed that I had swindled him. That his daughter had returned and continued her whispering of terrible, horrible things that he dare not listen. Clanking and banging away in the walls as he covered his ears in fear until sunrise.
Fortunately, I was allowed to prove my innocence.
I returned and stayed in the man's room, waiting with him for signs of his daughter. And surely enough, late in the hour, I heard the wretched scraping and dragging in the walls. The man stopped breathing in his bed and laid perfectly still. Even I was afraid to move as the most dangerous aspects of my practice are in the unknown. My mind began racing, wondering if I had somehow botched the night wedding. Or worse, that the ghost bride wasn't his daughter at all, and I had inadvertently given this mysterious entity a special anchor to this world, a holy man.
The walls shook without reason. And a tiny noise could be heard near the man's bedside. He jumped off his mattress and ran to my side. The two of us watched as the noise traveled back and forth against the back wall like wooden clogs.
"My daughter did always carry around a rattle drum when she was little," the man whispered.
"Hush, don't let it capture your breath," I warned him. "Whatever this is, I don't believe it is your daughter. And because of the ritual, we may have increased its hold on this realm."
He whimpered, "Not my daughter?"
I held up my finger and traced the noise as it traveled in an odd form. I began to wonder if the entity was creating some sort of symbol.
"What are you drawing," the man cried.
"It may be creating a portal," I told him. "Now hush before it turns its attention toward us."
"Please, there must be something you can do?"
I reached into my bag and pulled out some incense. I lit the ends and began chanting. From my waist I pulled out a long yellow parchment. And drew on it a sealing spell. "Spirit," I called as I stepped forward. "I am a guiding light." The noise rattled with conviction as I drew closer. "Let me lead you to peace!" And with one quick motion I punched my hand through the wall, clutching the sealing spell in my palm, at the last place I heard the noise. To my displeasure I felt something wriggling in my grasp as something long and thin wrapped itself around my wrist, its end clawing at my forearm. I screamed when I felt its teeth sink between the soft flesh of my thumb and index finger. But I did not let go. Instead I pulled out this demon from the wall and threw it roughly to the ground.
The man screamed as he jumped onto a chair, "Rat!"
Yes. A simple field rat. That had a trap stuck on its tail which caused its movements to rattle in the wall. It had been rummaging near the man's nightstand because in one of the drawers he had left a bag of watermelon seeds.
Not all cases are this simple, and plenty are true to life supernatural encounters. Over the years my experience has taught me to be more cautious in my evaluations. Which was why when I finally arrived at the house of the massacre due to a failed night wedding. Every hair on my neck stood on end as I tried to be objective as possible.
But there was no denying that something heinous had occurred here. Bodies were still laying on the floor. Some with their faces in the dirt. Some missing their heads completely. And those with their faces up, were unrecognizable. I felt the cold presence of my first wife as she leaned into my ear and whispered to me, "This is the work of a ghost bride."
"How do you know?"
"I recognize her anger. It was mine before we were married."
"How do I know what?" A man walking toward me asked. "Are you the priest they called out here?"
He was average built, and in plain clothes, "Detective, why yes. I am here to assist you in anyway that I can."
The detective spit on the ground, "Assist me? As far as I'm concerned we're wasting valuable time carrying on with this hocus pocus bullshit. The killer's trail will be cold by the time we get through all this religious tape." He wafted the air in front of his face, "And the dead bodies boiling out here. This is all your fault as well, as far as I'm concerned. Assist me," he snorted.
"Are there any eyewitnesses, Detective?"
"Several. But they are all saying the same damn thing. Spouting a bunch of nonsense. Which is why those religious nuts down at the town hall dredged you up."
"All non-relatives to the home owners?"
He snorted again, "Coincidence."
"Let us hope so," I told him. "Because the alternative is much worse." I walked the scene, going around the upturned tables, tracing the steps of carnage in the courtyard, to the main living room. There I saw the body of an old man, both hands clutching his chest, his face was completely missing. "Any surviving family members?"
"Some are still left," he grunted. "But we've gathered most of them under police protection."
"Have you located the husband?"
"Yeah, we're extraditing him as we speak."
"Extradite?"
"The foreigner took off in the middle of all the commotion. Boarded a flight back home according to our investigation. We've contacted the airline, and the airport security in America will hold him when he lands. As he is currently my number one suspect."
I circled the area in front of the shrine. Noting the spilled bowl and its contents on the ground. The position of the spoon next to it. Before standing in the spot on the left side where the effigy would have stood. "What about the bride?"
The detective shook his head, "What bride?"
"It was a night wedding," I told him. "There must have been a physical object acting as a stand in for the daughter's soul."
"Nothing more than bags of cotton usually," he paused. "But they did report that the stand-in this time was some sort of department figurine. A mannequin of some sort."
"Have you looked into that?"
"Why would I look into that. Are you crazy?"
"Right, you're right of course. You'd have to wait until after sunset to be able to figure out which mannequin serves as the ghost bride's earthly form."
The detective stormed off as if I had said something outlandish. Leaving me to my own devices, I interviewed a few of the neighbors who attended the night wedding, gathered some evidence and logged it with the other officers at the site, and then left for the nearest hotel in the city.
It had been a long month for me and I couldn't think of anything that I would enjoy more than a cold beer. So after checking in I went down to the bar, where an ethereal creature sat alone. She was beautiful to say the least and I had to strike up a conversation lest I live a life of regret, "S'il te plaît ma chérie, dis-moi comment on t'appelle pour que quand je sois perdu dans les ténèbres. Puis-je demander la lumière."
"What?"
"Oh, American. I apologize. I thought you were French."
"On my mother's side," she brushed away her hair.
I noticed the ring, "Ah, you are married. My sincerest apologies miss. I didn't know you were with someone."
"Newly married," she commented. "My husband is speaking with the concierge."
"Activities on vacation," I mused. "How wonderful."
"It's nothing like that. It seems someone has left him a note. And we're technically on our honeymoon." She paused, "Though this isn't where we're supposed to be. We're supposed to be in Hawaii."
I ordered a beer with the bartender and sipped my drink, "Hawaii is wonderful, but this is also a beautiful island. In fact, when the Portuguese came here, they named it Formosa. Which translates to beautiful island. It may not be where you're supposed to be, but perhaps you'll find that this is exactly where you need to be."
The woman sighed, "I don't even know anymore."
"Ah, I know what this is. I've great experience in these matters. Having been married many times. You feel doubt."
She laughed, "How many times have you gotten a divorce?"
"Divorce?" I laughed. "I never leave a woman after we have been wed."
She looked taken aback, "Oh. I didn't know polygamy was so common in these parts." She glanced behind her to where a tall man was standing with what looked to be the hotel's concierge. "I guess we're in the same boat."
"It's not what you think," I told her.
"Where have I heard that one before," she rolled her eyes.
"Larissa!" The man called for her.
She stood up, "Well, it was nice meeting you. Tell your wives I said hello."
I smiled as she left, glancing at my sides. "If only you knew," I said while sipping my beer.
Now in hindsight, if I were not so fatigued after nearly a month of work and travel. I would have perhaps picked up on the fact that she too was familiar with the concubine lifestyle. Which was unusual in itself for an American. Or perhaps I would have picked up on the fact that Larissa was an uncommon name. As I had read Jim's article. But there was no such luck, which is why, when I say that I am deeply regretful of what I read on the news later about the couple, I am truly at a loss for what I could have prevented. But that is not my story to tell.
After I finished drinking at the bar I made my way to the elevator and got in. When a man coming towards me waved as a sign to hold the door, I called out, "It's full." He looked at me bewildered as I was the only person he could see in the elevator, before sticking his hand out to stop the elevator from ascending. Huffing and puffing, he glared at me angrily before pressing his floor number for the door to close. Except the elevator pinged. The weight capacity light had turned on above our heads. "Like I said, it's full." The man shook his head in amazement. Pressing his floor number again. The elevator pinged again, unwilling to budge. I sighed and got out, "I'll wait for the next one."
And wait I did, even in my room I waited for night fall instead of resting. The thoughts of a botched night wedding swirling in my head. For the many things that could go wrong. Because even though I had much practice in these matters, I was still always nervous before a fight. So when night fell, I was red eyed and exhausted, but better mentally prepared than before.
But when I arrived back at the scene of the crime, I was not prepared for all of the commotion.
"Ka-kin-eh Ka-kin-eh," a man shouted as the fire blazed.
I grabbed one of the men running by with an empty bucket, "What happened here?"
"T-the villagers, they set the p-place on fire. Trying to rid the evil demon."
I let him go and shook my head. The fools! I made my way toward the courtyard where I saw the detective from earlier moping his forehead as he was helping put out the fire. "Detective! This is terrible," I yelled as the flames licked the night.
"No shit dumbass, it's a fire."
"You don't understand," I told him. "Now the entity has nowhere to return. We may never find it."
He threw the bucket to the floor and whirled around, "Enough! I've had enough! Listen here, there is a fire. F-I-R-E. This a real problem. If it catches to the fields, it could light the newly laid fertilizer on fire and catch the entire mountain!"
"Detective!"
That was the only word I had to say before he punched me. It was a dark night out, but stars had suddenly appeared. He hovered over me and I thought he would strike me again but then suddenly he froze. "What is that?"
I turned my head and looked out into the field. The heat of the fire burning the back of my head as I tried to stop my nose from bleeding. "Where?"
Neither one of us moved as we watched the tall field.
"Right there." He pointed.
I reached up and threw his hand down, "No! You never point at entities," I told him. "Now you could be marked!"
He ignored me and reached for his gun, "Stop! Hey you! I order you to stop or I'll shoot!"
I looked into the field, scanning the endless rows before my eyes stopped and froze in horror. At one point in time the thing must have been a simple plastic mannequin. Standing in a department store perhaps. But now, it was twisted and gnarled. Its face beading and unrecognizable. The thing stood on all fours sometimes threes as it swayed slowly back and forth. It moved without form because it didn't have the constraint of joints as normal people as it was still objectively, plastic. It swung its arms behind it and used that as leverage to run, turning its head completely around - cracking the seams that had somehow still held and took off.
The detective rung a shot out at it. I think it struck but it didn't matter as the mannequin disappeared in the field. The detective must have lost his mind because he gave chase.
I couldn't let him go alone so I followed. Pulling out my long yellow parchment as I wrote on it the symbols for sealing, hoping the simple spell would work. As we entered the tall field.
It was chaos. The ground was mushy beneath my feet, and the smell of fecal matter assaulted my senses further. In the brush I had lost the detective, so I was forced to tell my wives to help me locate his whereabouts. They didn't often leave my side, and some were reluctant but ultimately agreed.
I stood in the field, waiting with bated breath as I heard further gunshots in the distance. I couldn't wait for my wives to gather as I tore after the detective. And just in time as I saw him standing, looking absolutely terrified as he shot blindly into the fauna until his pistol clicked. The mannequin lunged for him. But I got there first. Pushing him to the ground, causing both of us to tumble.
He was eating a mouth of dirt as I pulled him to his feet. "We have to get out of this field! The ghost bride will pick us off in this thicket!"
Stumbling, and running, the two of us were covered in more than dirt. Several times we heard rustling nearby as if something were running alongside us. But eventually we made it out into the open plain. The detective trying to catch his breath as he reloaded his pistol.
"Shooting it doesn't work," he panted. "But maybe I can disable it from moving."
"Shut up," I told him. "Listen."
He stopped for a moment and we waited. Then all of the stalks before us shook wildly as if a hundred people were running through them. The detective raised his arm but I stopped him as my wives ran out of the field.
They were terrified as they ran right through us.
I hadn't experienced the feeling in awhile but the coldness as their ghostly forms went through our bodies like ice was enough to bring us both to our knees, clutching our chests as we struggled to breathe. I had passed through one or two in a row before. But never 10 or 20 at a time.
"What was that," the detective managed to gasp, his fingers in a death grip around his gun.
"A blue procession," I told him. "Something caused all of my dead wives to flee."
We looked up as the leaves in front of us rustled.
"Is it..."
I shook my head, running forward to catch her. My 13th wife, Ah-ren. Her arm was missing, and a part of her shoulder. She was an innocent girl that had drowned when she was alive. Her innocence carried on with her to the afterlife where many souls generally grew up embittered. But never her, always sweet my girl, just weary of water.
"I didn't want to go," she told me.
"I know," I held her. "I'm sorry."
"It got some of the others too. But Meita got in its way and told me to run." She cried.
"Don't cry I told her. You know how you hate getting wet."
"I don't want to go. I wanted to stay with you. All of us together."
I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye before her soul splintered and disappeared forever.
I had never felt such fury. In all my years, a womanizer, a liar, a cheat at cards, a scoundrel, a bastard even. But an undutiful husband? Never.
Without thinking I approached the field and cast a spell that was forbidden.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm cursing the field. All beings alive or dead will forever feel displaced when they enter here. A feeling of unending dread and doom will overcome them, causing madness if they do not leave or are unable to." I reached into my side and threw a handful of salt. It landed on the ground as I chanted. The winds carrying it into the field, the small white morsels rolling obediently into the darkness.
"Nothings happening," the detective's word stuck in his mouth as a horrible scream echoed into the night. It sounded like two pieces of steel being twisted together.
"There," I took off after it. The jumbled figure of the mannequin charged out of the field and fled toward the village.
We followed it through the streets and between alleyways; the villagers screamed and hid when they saw it. We barged through home after home as we chased it. Until we cornered it at an abandoned building on the edge of town.
"It was supposed to be a mall," the detective told me. "But the developers ran out of money."
We walked quietly into the empty building. Shells of stores stood in various degrees of construction. We checked a few of the empty fronts before venturing deeper inside.
"You've got to be kidding me," the detective said as we came near the center of the complex. There next to the escalators and the fountains was an army of mannequins of all shapes and sizes lined up like terracotta warriors. "They must have stashed them all here when the place was being built, and forgot about them when it closed."
"There are hundreds."
"We'll go through together. Quickly and quietly." He added, "Stay alert."
We moved through the rows, staring at all of the stuck faces, searching for one covered in grime and bullet holes. But it was more difficult than it sounded. Many of the mannequins were in bad shape, weathered, broken, laying in pieces on the ground. It was hard to tell if a pile of parts was indeed our culprit.
Slowly we began to clear the rows and I could see the other side in sight.
"There!" The detective shot his gun. The surrounding mannequins dropped like dominoes when the entity scattered. Falling down all around us, drowning us in a sea of plastic arms and smiling faces, I struggled to breathe as the debris settled. "I think I'm stuck," I told the detective. But he wasn't listening, his eyes were concentrating on the only mannequin that was still moving. It began rushing toward us. He fired his gun blowing out one of the mannequin's knee caps. I hurriedly searched for my parchment. Another shot, another hit, but the scorned bride kept on charging unable to feel pain.
It jumped into the air and the detective blew the rest of its face away before he started screaming as the bride began to devour him. Pieces of his sinew was launched into the air as he was torn apart. I freed myself and rushed forward trying to help but the creature grabbed me by the throat and lifted me into the air. My feet scratching the ground as my lungs folded trying to breathe. The thing turned its head toward me and said, "Will you marry me?" As the darkness closed into the corners of my eyes.
The fight was leaving my body as I saw several of my wives rushing forward. Their ghostly forms bloodlusted as they began tearing at the mannequin, slowly pulling out pieces of her soul, causing the mannequin's arms and legs to go limp as they dragged her out of the corporeal form.
I hit the ground and scrambled blindly with my fingers searching for my sacred parchment but could not find it amongst the rubble. I had no time to look further as the ghost bride was fleeing, leaving the shell of her mannequin in a heap on the floor. My wives chasing after her, screaming their fury at her for killing the others. For destroying their souls.
I chased after them outside into the open air, where she had been cornered. She was crying as I approached, trying to escape into the Southwest wind. Begging for forgiveness. I knew what I should have done, but could not bring myself to do the right thing. Instead I bit my finger and drew symbols on my forearms with my own blood. Approaching the bride that never was and tore her soul into pieces.
When I was done my wives sat down around me before slowly dispersing as the sun began to rise.
A familiar voice came, "We did it huh?"
I continued staring out into the horizon, "Yeah."
"Well then," the detective said before disappearing. "Maybe in the next life I'll be sooner to trust you."
Later they would find his body in the abandoned mall. Still clutching his gun. The department gave him a 21 gun salute at his funeral and a medal as commemoration. I was just glad that his soul had not been eaten.
I, on the other hand, went back to the hotel. To the bar and ordered a well deserved drink. Where I saw a pretty woman sitting alone, "Did you know that in order for me to pass on my Celestial title, I must bear an heir?"
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submitted by CornerCornea to nosleep [link] [comments]

2023.06.07 05:36 cheeseb2909 personal ranking of the smiths songs but don't take it too seriously b/c i made it at 2am

personal ranking of the smiths songs but don't take it too seriously b/c i made it at 2am submitted by cheeseb2909 to thesmiths [link] [comments]